Happy Marriage Foundation - Battle the adjustment problems.

As a counselor and psychiatrist, I have found that one of the most common reasons for new marriage's, specially in Mumbai, to walk down the dark path of sadness, fights and lack of fullfillment is adjustment issues that both the bride and groom.

While the first 6months might seem a great honeymoon period, its during this time that the base for future fights is being laid.

Be it a love marriage or an arranged one, its important to understand that no matter how prepared one comes into marriage its still going to be a completely new physical, emotional, financial, psychological and sexual experience.

When one is exposed to changes at so many levels, the brain-mind complex reacts in different ways.

While very few "mature" people tend to internalize the changes and "adjust" to it, others are more expressive and it comes out as anger, discontent, taunts, stress.

The most common reasons for this to happen-
1. A game of Expectations - Marriage is a game of expectations. It doesn't matter all the the flowery and lovely words spoken during the courtship period. Once married, the burden of expectations starts to dawn.
Time, social responsibilities, family responsibilities, way to take care of each other, physical intimacy, all of these are new learning that take time to learn.

Initially many take it very lightly, but slowly they start reading in-between the lines and creating a lot of anger.

2. Lack of Friends - While most men are expected to decrease the interactions with their friends, women (specially those from other cities) suddenly find themselves without friends.
Making new friends isn't easy. Having friends as good as your childhood friends isn't easy.
It creates a lot of loneliness.
While many wife look towards their husband to take care of this loneliness, husbands might find it as too much love.

3. Emotional Anchor - In any marriage the most important part is healthy communication. Being at different intellectual planes can increase the emotional instability.

4. Sex - angel or devil - I have found that upto 75% men and women getting married have no idea what sex is.
no one teaches them what is sex, what is its importance, how to perform and what to expect out of it.

Most find it as a recreational activity.
While men base their ideas about sex on the fantasy world pornography teaches them. Women rely on the hyped up experience of their friend.
While men idiotically think that having a 30min intercourse is what is normal, women feel that its just a way to satisfy their husband.

Sex without ego and full of positive emotions can be the greatest binding force. It could be the greatest form of non-verbal communication that two individuals can share.

Sex isn't an act of the devil.. but an act made by god for spreading love.

5. Guilt or Self-Blame - I have found so many people who within the 1st year of marriage tell me "I was better off not married, but what to do now?"

the moment you have guilt, sadness or self-blame coming into you, remember you are creating base for a troubled future.

If things aren't as you expected then accept the change. If you cannot accept the change, than consult a professional to find out why are you so rigid.

6. What is the perfect conduct in marriage? -
Nobody is prepared for marriage. Marriage is a journey where you learn with every day.
If you are not ready to learn and accept the teachings, then nothing can help you from falling trap to depression.

While many men battle is it right to favor their mother or their wife.
Many wife battle is it right to answer back to their mother-in-law or keep quiet.
Ego is many times confused for self-respect and a battle of ego's churns all.

THINGS TO KEEP IN MIND-
Many individuals are deeply affected by the above changes. This leads 3 or more of the following-
a. feeling sad through out the day
b. restlessness - mind is always occupied with thoughts.
c. running away from home and preferring to stay out
d. anger/irritation
e. crying episodes
f. calling parents through out the day and complaining
g. constant want to change situation
h. talking of separation.
i. decreased sexual needs.

such people need to consult a counselor/psychiatrist as their mind is going into a stress cycle that will only increase when family/friends try to counsel them.

if such a stress cycle is left untreated it eventually turns into chronic depression, which changes the brain shape and leads to complications in the future.
falsh-backs, constant complaining, irritation, anger, excessive spending, family fights are all later manifestations of the same.

for any further help email me at eksoch@gmail.com

Dr.Hemant Mittal
email - eksoch@gmail.com
website - www.mindmantra.in

when will we start to see the beauty inside the heart

"FROM BEAUTY TO BEAST" - This is the comment that someone had posted to his photo on Facebook... For a second I felt really sad.

I thought, how sad is the society, in whic we live in. More often than not physical appearance defines females.  The guy who posted that comment never thought that today Ashwariya Rai is a Mother, one of the most beautiful feelings in the world, and one that only women are blessed to experience.

As I read further, I found there were many men who had posted similar comments or liked that comment.

Ironically, a few hours later I was visited by 2 girls who suffered from "inferiority complex" arising from this "cheap" male mentality that affect the society like a disease.

Girl no.1 - Varsha (not real name)

She was 25yr old, very educated, middle-class girl. She came with extremely high stress and restlessness. Her issue, she was dark and slightly on the healthier side. This was reason enough for hundreds of marriage proposal rejections.
After I analyzed her personality, I told her, you are very gifted. The guy who marries you will be extremely lucky, because you have an amazing adjusting personality, that can drive any marriage to extreme happiness.
It was true, and I hoped some guy would soon see beyond her looks and relieve her of the pain.


Girl no.2 - Rekha (not real name)
A 42yr old, very graceful, middle-high class lady. I thank god for every person I get to meet as they teach me a lot. But meeting Rekhaji was amazing. A happy-go-lucky jolly woman, who could counsel even the worst of suicidal people...but sadly couldnt find a solution for herself. She was an extremely beautiful punjabi girl when she got married. After 15yrs, 2kids, and gaining 15kgs, her husband appreciated the sacrifices and great mother/wife she was. But at the same time, couldn't resist from
seeking "sexual pleasures" outside wedlock because his wife didn't have the same attractive power.. and same sexual activity as before.
A woman who laughed through most of the session, who had one of the most positive aura's I have come across, broke down on her helplessness... broke down on the feeling of worthlessness... All these years of sacrifice and love seemed immaterial, in front of that one sentence her husband said.
She is a very strong lady, and has the will-power to even seek separation... but that doesnt' discount the sadness she is gone through.


Its so ironic that most men chose their girl-friends and wifes based on beauty. when beauty wont last... The most beautiful woman in the world has proved it..

"THE ONLY LASTING BEAUTY IS THE ONE IN YOUR HEART" - always search for it, as its blissful.

Dr.Hemant Mittal
email - eksoch@gmail.com

SUICIDAL FEELINGS/THOUGHTS

A great majority of people experience suicidal thoughts/feelings at least once in their life.
Based on true cases, here is a brief over-view on this very important topic:

Why does one feel suicidal?
Many kinds of emotional pain can lead to thoughts of suicide. The reasons for this pain are unique to each one of us, and our ability to cope with the pain differs from person to person.

Don't listen to anyone who tells you, "That's not enough to be suicidal about." We are all different. What might be bearable to one person may not be bearable to you.

There are, however, some common factors that may lead us to experience suicidal thoughts and feelings.

1. Most common cause of feeling suicidal is due to the presence of medical problems that can be treated depression, anxiety disorders, stress, medical conditions that cause constant pain, cancer, drug and alcohol dependency.

2. Second most common cause is the presence of environmental factors that need exterior solution, like financial, legal or school problems, grief or loss of a loved one, and other life difficulties can all create profound emotional distress.

Once triggered emotional pain due to anyone of the above causes changes in the brain functioning. This causes a decreased ability to solve problems and decreased "positive chemicals/hormones".

Once you are unable to think about solutions and the futures "seems" sad, extreme steps are thought of.

The emotional pain required to trigger such a thoughts in one individual differ from other. So never compare yourself to others.

A suicidal thought is always an EMERGENCY.. never take it lightly. What to Do?
1. REACH OUT FOR HELP - TALK to family, friends.. If they don't help, then pay someone to listen to you, understand your pain and not judge you. Counselors, psychologist and psychiatrists are there for that.

If even that fails, call the various suicide helpliness and talk it out.

YOUR LIFE IS VERY VALUABLE....EVERY SINGLE LIFE IS... DON'T LET IT GO WASTE.

One thing I have observed is that even when you decide to talk to either someone you trust or someone neutral/professional admitting your suicidal thoughts to another person can be difficult. Thats why chosing someone who doesn't judge you is essential.

Don't feel bad, tell them what exactly is going in your mind. What is your plan.
read it.

What if you don't feel understood?
If you do not feel the person you have chosen to talk to has understood, tell someone else, or call a suicide crisis helpline.

There are plenty of people out there who will understand. Don’t let one bad experience stop you from finding someone who can help.

2. Ways to cope with suicidal thoughts and feelings
a. Talk with someone every day/ weel, preferably face to face. - Though you feel like withdrawing and being alone, take the effort, ask your trusted friends/acquaintances to spend sometime listening to you.
If you don't have friends/family to do so, there are professionals ready to help you.

b. Make a safety plan. Always carry the contact numbers for your friends and family members who will help in an emergency.

c. Plan your life - Make a schedule for yourself every day and stick to it, no matter what. Keep a regular routine as much as possible, even when your feelings seem out of control.

d. Get out of your comfort zone. At least 30 minutes a day.

e. Exercise at least 30minutes a day.

f. Make time for things that bring you joy. Even if very few things bring you pleasure at the moment, force yourself to do the things you used to enjoy.
even eating a chocolate cake can bring pleasure, so do every such activity.

g. Consult a professional psychiatrist - New age medications given for a few weeks, without any side-effects, no drowyness and no addiction potential can help you come back to life soon then thought.

3. Things You should avoid when having suicidal thoughts:
a. Being alone. Solitude can make suicidal thoughts even worse.
Visit a friend, or family member. If you have no one log onto the internet and just do something or chat with someone.

b. Alcohol and drugs. Drugs and alcohol increase depression, hamper your problem-solving ability, and can make you act impulsively.
Its a popular myth that alcohol helps to cure depression, instead it causes more harm to your psyche than you can think.

c. Avoid things that will make you feel worse. - Listening to sad music, looking at certain photographs, reading old letters, or visiting places you spent with a loved one can all increase negative feelings.


For any further help on this topic email me,
Dr.Hemant Mittal
email - eksoch@gmail.com
website - www.mindmantra.in