Sexual infidelity

A new research says "watching porn for married men and women, triggers the same area of the brain as being involved in an extra-marital sexual relationship"

Some true stories of sexual infidelity, that I have come across as a psychiatrist -

"I had sex with someone at work. I love my wife but I somehow felt the need to experiment. Till when can I be satisfied with one only"

"He was an old friend of mine, we are in a healthy sexual relationship. I love my husband, but he make me feel young again"

"I have a wonderful wife, but I cannot control my urge to be sexually involved with new women"

"My husband is great, but if I want to be successful in this corporate world, I have to make use of my body"

"I have a great family, but I keep fantasing about other women. I have a false facebook account and even sex-chat with many of them"


Sexual infidelity is one of humanity's great obsessions, perhaps second only to violence.
We HATE and feel EMBARASSED to talk about it but secretly a great majority is INTERESTED and INTRIGUED by it.


So why is monogamy so hard for many?

The question is while thousands of researchers have proven that being in an long-term monogamous relationship is extremely good for mental health, still being monogamous is so difficult. Why?

1. The superiority complex - Many men and women suffer from a "superiority complex".
Out of those who have "Superiority complex" many indulge in the "sexual game"

As a psychological development flaw in expressing their emotions, they indulge in a  "sexual game"... this game revolves around "sexual conquests".
For such an individual, the ultimate goal is how many men or women they have been able to take to bed.
Having sex satisfies their feeling of "superiority".
Marriage many times fails to stop this complex. And within months they are again back on the "hunt".

When presented with an opportunity to have a conquest, They fail to see "rational" and "love" towards spouse. They get into the game, and start playing it.



2. The inferiority complex - Many men and women feel incomplete in their marriage.
They always feel something is lacking. They always blame themselves for not putting that extra-effort in the relationship.
When they meet someone from the opposite sex who makes them feel special or gives them attention, they stop feeling that "inferiority complex", and tend to go the "extra-mile" to satisfy this new person in their life.
Such people will show sudden changes in their personality. They will go from sad to happy and from fearful to confidence within days of being in an affair.


3. Need to feel young - No one likes to age. And one of the worst part of aging is feeling rejected by the opposite sex.
Many men and women get into short-term sexual relationships to feel young.


4. Physical attraction - Many people, specially in india, marry spouses who are not "physically attractive" for them.
Some times if their partners become fat, have some disease, loses their hair or teeth then they are no longer attracted to them .

Personalities that are indirectly attracted to the material world will look to have extra-marital affairs with younger and more attractive partners, to feel deserved.


5. Work stress - many times we discount work stress, but it is one of the 3 most important stress a sexually active individual faces.
If your partner doesn't understand your work stress, isn't helping you battle it, then you lose the importance of your partner in your life.
This loneliness is satisfied by getting sexually involved with co-workers who understand and can talk about your work-stress.


6. Lack of fulfillment of sexual needs - as one grows, his/her sexual needs change.
Years ago I counseled a gentleman who wanted to have sex with 2 women at one time. He told his wife, and she didn't agree. So he got into extra-marital sexual relationships.
I have also met women who love to experiment with their sexuality but know their husbands won't agree, so seek the "thrill and fun" outside.


7. Problems in married life
Engaging in an extra-marital affair is a very easy way to get out of problems that one might be facing in their marriage.

A few years ago, I was at a marriage function, were the groom's mother happened to be an old patient of mine. The groom's parents had divorced because his father was caught having multiple sexual relationships. Though he kept pleading and pledging love for his wife, he couldn't explain his need for "extra-marital sex". I remember the old lady very politely and in a very classy way telling her son - "It's not money or power or expensive gifts, but The greatest symbol of your love towards your wife is fidelity. Make me a proud mother and make her a proud wife, always be truthful"

FIDELITY IS POSSIBLE ONLY THROUGH A JOINT EFFORT..
EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION IN AND OUT OF BED IS ESSENTIAL..
MANY TIMES THE PROBLEM NEEDS PROFESSIONAL PSYCHOLOGICAL HELP SO IT CAN BE SOLVED... IF IT CAN MAKE YOU HAPPY, THERE IS NO HARM IN CONSULTING A GOOD PSYCHIATRIST/PSYCHOLOGIST.

For further assistance on this topic, you can CONTACT ME (all conversations are kept CONFIDENTIAL) -

Dr.Hemant Mittal
(Neuro-Psychiatrist, Mental Health and Sexual Health Healer,
Motivational Writer/Speaker and Counselor)

by-
email - eksoch@gmail.com
website - http://mindmantra.in/services.html

or visit my wellness clinic @-
address- 15, shreeji plaza, next to ice n spice restaurant, opposite seawoods station, seawoods (east)
Navi Mumbai

Is technology killing your relationship

 Is technology killing your relationship

Communication devices were supposed to help people stay connected. However it seems that one is disconnecting with his closest ones.

Not many years ago, couples would go the extra mile to communicate. Talking face to face was essential. Men would drive half way through the city to meet their loved ones, married couples would make sure the evening meal wasn't just watching the TV but talking about the day. Problems were discussed together, and physical presence gave re-assurance that any problem would be faced together.

Technology was supposed to ease this process... Did it happen? NO!
Blackberry messenger, Whatsapp, facebook are silently killing relationships.

In the last few years, have counseled many men and women who have complained "feeling alone, even when in a committed relationship".
On inquiry, I found that either them or their partner seemed to be "married to the smartphone".

Such is their involvement with the smartphone, that couples are turning away from conversing with each other and are seeking company in their latest gadget and gizmo. Conversation with a partner is slowly dying out, people feel more expressive to communicate through a whatsapp/blackberry message rather than face to face conversation.

Going out, watching a movie, having dinner, even while sharing a romantic moment, the "tring tring" sound of a new text/sms or blinking red light of a new BBM, are taking their attention away from the moment.
Decreased spans of attention automatically kill the emotional involvement within the moment.
When two people stop "effective communication".. This in turn decreases the love, affection and bond between them... There relationship become fragile... and can be easily broken by a third person.

A new survey, I read about in a national newspaper, suggest that -
a. About 80% of smartphone users avoid conversations as they are busy on their phone or laptop at the lunch/dinner table.

b. About 76% smartphone using couples also revealed that silence envelopes the space between them in bed as they sit around surfing the net using their phone or laptops,without saying a word.

c. Around 80% of people said they hate being interrupted when on their phone or laptop.

d. People have become so obsessed with having a virtual presence that very few make it a point to socialize in the real world.  This is evident through the rampant multiple conversations happening through messenger services simultaneous.
Though one feels these are satisfying for the self, they are actually destroying your involvement with the real world and taking you away from the issues that really matter.

e. 98% people who are involved in this obsessive behavior will deny it. And say "we can leave our smartphones any time"

We cannot leave technology aside, but becoming an emotional slave of a screen is the most stupid thing you can do.

Nothing can replace face to face interaction.


What you should do?

1. Log off - Learn to Log off...  Everyday for 3-5hrs of your awake time, make sure your BBM/Whatsapp/Facebook is turned off.

2. Plan time with your partner.
If you partner is completely obsessed with his/her mobile device, make sure you spend few hours with him/her where the device is left aside.

3. No phones should be allowed while having lunch/dinner.

4. Avoid browsing the net on your phone or laptop while having a conversation with your partner as its disrespectful.

Remember the first few times you will do this, your partner will get irritable and angry. But don't hesitate from continuing your efforts.

5. if you partner is completely obsessed the smartphone, make sure you get him/her to visit a counselor/psychiatrist, before he/she land into an online extra-marital relationship which destroys your relationship.

For further assistance on this topic, you can CONTACT ME (all conversations are kept CONFIDENTIAL) -

Dr.Hemant Mittal
(Neuro-Psychiatrist, Mental Health and Sexual Health Healer,
Motivational Writer/Speaker and Counselor)

by-
email - eksoch@gmail.com
website - http://mindmantra.in/services.html

or visit my wellness clinic @-
address- 15, shreeji plaza, next to ice n spice restaurant, opposite seawoods station, seawoods (east)
Navi Mumbai

OCD - Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

One of the silent mental health problems, taunted to affect 1 in every 5 adult within the next 15years.

Broadly, OCD can be said to be a combination of the following mental process : -

1. Recurrent thoughts, images, or impulses that are experienced as intrusive and inappropriate, causing marked anxiety or distress

2. these are more than simple worries about life.

3. A person puts in all efforts to ignore, suppress, or neutralize these thoughts but fails on the same.

4. Most people Recognize this to be a product of their own mind

5. Compulsions may be present or not. They are behaviors or acts that you feel driven to perform although may recognize them as senseless or excessive. At times you may try to resist doing them but this may prove extremely difficult. You may experience anxiety that does not diminish until the behavior is completed.

6. Such an emotional and behavioral pattern subjects a Person to develop extreme fear, negativity, decreased self-worth, introvert lifestyle, sadness and loneliness.


The most common OCD patterns observed are:
a. cleaning and keeping things in order
b. sexual thoughts and masturbation
c. washing hands or taking bath
d. checking – locks, switches, etc
e. special sequence of numbers/words to be repeated before and after an action
f. mental list reviewing or mental list making.
d. constant recurrent memories of traumatic experiences in life.


CURE?
OCD has to be carefully assessed.
1. there is no magical cure for OCD
2. Because its invisible doesn't mean it doesn't exist.
3. You cannot just stop the brain from having the symptoms.
4. Depending on the various degrees, types and presentation of OCD it can be treated by:
a. relaxation techniques - meditation/ deep muscle relaxation/ self-hypnosis
b. counseling - CBT or REBT
c. Medications -

For further assistance on this topic, you can CONTACT ME (all conversations are kept CONFIDENTIAL) -

Dr.Hemant Mittal
(Neuro-Psychiatrist, Mental Health and Sexual Health Healer,
Motivational Writer/Speaker and Counselor)

by-
email - eksoch@gmail.com
website - http://mindmantra.in/services.html

or visit my wellness clinic @-
address- 15, shreeji plaza, next to ice n spice restaurant, opposite seawoods station, seawoods (east)
Navi Mumbai