“I wish I could control my mind”
“I would be more successful if I could win at mind games”
“I have a 6th sense that tells me if any wrong is going to happen. I just need to control it.”
In the dimension of ever-lasting happiness the biggest denominator to happiness is Mind Control. He who can control his mind can control the universe around him.
In a world full of external and internal conflicts, the mind is blinded to perceive the omnipresent happiness. The pages of history show us how the discourse of the Bhagvadh Gita, just before the Mahabharata empowered the warrior Arjun with a complete control over his fickle mind to regain the path to happiness.
If happiness was distributed freely, no one would ever understand its value and importance. Probably that’s the reason why nature has decided to put a heavy tag price on it. The bargain is to control the body’s most sensitive organ, the mind. Just imagine how the mental picture of a smiling baby changes your mood for a few seconds.
The mind is heavily influenced by 6 factors. These are the 5 senses (vision, touch, smell, taste and hearing) and the unconscious mind. The unconscious mind is the most dynamic of all these factors. Its primary role is to integrate all sensory inputs and create a set of memories, rule and regulations which constitute the blue print of an individual’s personality. As a person focuses more on resolution of external and internal conflicts, he loses control over the unconscious mind. This eventually causes a change in approach from experiencing happiness to searching for happiness. The consequences of this personality change affect the entire spectrum of social, personal and professional life. A slow but empathic development of degenerative qualities like:
a. Decrease in professional and personal potential.
b. Increased negative emotions like sadness, irritability, anger
c. Increased negative memories like repeated recollection of traumatic experiences
d. Increased negative thoughts like pessimism, guilt feelings and even suicidal thoughts.
are experienced by both the individual and those related to him.
Training is the process of constant practice of a certain techniques to reinforce and strength a certain skill. Weight training is the process of constantly practicing a series of scientifically drafted exercises that increase the endurance, strength and power of the muscles in the body.
Similarly Mind Training is the constant practice of specialized techniques that reinforce and fortify the unconscious boundaries. This works at multiple levels:
a. Protects against negative emotions, memories and thoughts.
b. Enhances the charm and persona of an individual
c. Enhances unconscious processes like memory, concentration, quickness in answering, efficiency at home and work.
d. Opens the unconscious eyes to happiness.
Mind Mantra provides individual and collective Mind training sessions. Our focus is to provide the best mind, emotion and behavioral solutions for long lasting happiness. The two primary lines of approach are:
1. Individual Mind boutique – A detailed discussion with the client to create a persona specific, specially designed and customized, framework of techniques that can be easily incorporated within the life-style of an individual. On a prima faci:
a. It revolves around effective utilization of time and mind resources to create the maximum impact within the minimum time and effort.
b. It’s a 100% client centric approach, whereby the professional mind trainer works as a facilitator rather than dictator.
c. All issues personal, professional, social and sexual are open to discussion depending upon client comfort level.
d. It’s effective for anyone from 17yr to 80yrs of age.
2. Collective Consciousness – a small group of individuals are integrated in a previously discussed environment to deal with common relative issues like:
a. effective (verbal and non-verbal) communication,
b. problem resolution in finding collective goal-oriented focus,
c. Design goal achieving techniques for personal, group and organizational satisfaction.
d. Increase group and organizational loyalty.
This is the 1st part of “Mind Training “ series. Those interested can directly contact us through the mind mantra website. (www.mindmantra.in)
The next part of this series will concentrate on the deeper aspects of mind training program through mind mantra.
Dr.Hemant Mittal (MBBS, PGDPM)
The trail of a Cheating Husband
“We had a love marriage. I trusted him blindly. I fought my family, society and friends for him. I still cannot believe it. He’s been having an affair with his secretary for 2yrs, and I just couldn’t sense it???” - Seema, 33yr old, BPO executive.
“Why me? I was a devoted wife, I took care of everything, his parents, the kids, the home. I never complained. I never asked for anything. Do I deserve this for trusting him? It’s been 3yrs since he has been in a relationship with her.” - Radha, 35yr old, housewife.
“I am so stupid…It all happened under my nose. You should hear what people say…The greatest Manager in the history of this Multi-national company couldn’t manage her own home. It’s devastating. It’s been a year, he gave so many cues, but I just couldn’t see” - Rohini, 36yr old, senior manager in a MNC.
The above are real life cases of adultery that I have interacted upon at the Mind Mantra clinic. The names have been changed to keep the information confidential. But the feeling that all of them share is the same. Undoubtedly a cheating husband is the most devastating psychological pain that any wife can be subjected to.
Biologically and psychologically men in general have a higher chance of cheating upon their partners. Mostly the “illicit” relationships arise out of need a fantasy or need for adventurous physical pleasure, but in many a cases it can be due to lack of emotional support at home.
Most men behave like boys when they are involved in an extramarital relationship. The guilt and excitement of a new female in their life, usually manifests through a lot of verbal and non-verbal cues. If a wife keeps her eyes and ears open, she can understand these cue’s and prevent such a happening.
The most common signs of cheating are:
1. Sudden Uncertain Schedules- Most men have a fixed life-style. Every day, every month, every year, year after year, they go to work at a specific time and come back at a specific time. Meeting, deadlines are normally advertised well in advance.
One of the first signs of a doubtful behavior are uncertain sudden changes in schedule (like sudden night long meetings, more work on weekends, problems with deadlines), long-late nights at work, increased frequency of office tours, increased complaining about co-workers and boss for increasing work burden..
The excuses are never-ending, with the purpose of spending more and more time outside home.
2. Guilt cover-up – The unconscious mind always wants to follow moral values. Men who are feeling guilty of what they are doing try to cover it up by giving extra attention to their wife. Sometimes they behave juvenile, newly-wed style. An increased expression of love through physical gestures like gifts, dinners, naughty text-messages, love letters, and even more intense love making is observed. Suddenly they rise from being “average” to “perfect husbands”
3. Hawk-eye – A happy relationship is based on the secret law of trust. Trust allows personal individualistic growth of each of the spouses. A man in an extra-marital relationship might suddenly keep extra scrutiny of his wife’s schedules. Minute to minute details are kept in memory. Specifics about the day’s activities, phone calls at odd times to secretly ask about their location, being more preoccupied with time and location is normally seen.
4. Secretive- Suddenly all his data will be password protected. Email address, cell phone, computers, are all going to have passwords. On being asked to unlock it, he might find excuses for the same. Else he would take some time to delete all sensitive data and than let his wife access data.
5. Looks- New focus on his looks. Sudden wardrobe changes, hairstyle changes, joining a gym, reducing weight are commonly observed.
6. Talk of town- Initial excitement normally leads a man to talk a lot about the particular female he is in or planning to get into an extra-marital relationship with. What starts with occasional updates, slowly might change into detailed description of her way of dressing, walking, likes, dislikes. He might also receive texts or calls from her, which are camouflaged as official work. On being questioned, normally she is portrayed as needing help and he as helping him.
7. Rumor-mill – When the chemistry between a man and a woman gets really good, rumors starting churning out fast. Many colleagues and friends might tease him at office parties and the odd looks from around the corners is more of a red signal of alert.
8. Fresh in morning, stale at night- Even if a man is tired because of work, he will always like to get intimate with his spouse. A change in sexual habits, with decreased interest in sex is quite significant of a changed mental status towards his relationship.
9. Arguments without a cause- If a man gets emotionally involved in his extra-marital relationship, his starts distancing from his family. Constant unwanted arguments, fights and excuses to stay out of home or at the “friends” place are experienced.
This article is meant to promote love and healthy relationships. It’s important for men to remember that a juvenile fantasy or short-term physical infatuation can destroy a healthy, happy and prosperous family life. It’s important for women to remember that a men might deviate from the righteous path because of a lack in communication, common goal-setting and common desires.
Dr.Hemant Mittal (MBBS, PGDPM)
Anger Management in Relationships
“I am short tempered, we have had many discussions, but we eventually end up more enlightened” Sumit, 34yr old software professional married since 3 years
“My husband is an animal when he gets angry. I have been beaten up many times...sometimes i feel like running away... but my kids!!!” Joana 35yr old, college professor.
“Ours was a love marriage, we knew each other very well. But after marriage, she hasn’t been able to adjust... she just gets angry without reason” Hari, 28yr old marketing executive.
Anger is a powerful emotion that can affect the happiness of any relationship. Excessive anger is one of the major reasons for constant disputes, abuse and separation of many relationships.
The age old teaching of “one partner has to be calm during an altercation” has lost its significance and importance in modern financial and social world.
Anger in relationships is very common and there could be an array of reasons to fuel it. It’s important to learn how to avoid anger and come out of the situation gaining love rather than losing respect.
The systematic approach to diffusing anger starts with identification and understanding of its origin. The most common relationships issues that lead to generation of dangerous and destructive anger are:
“Every time we try to get intimate, we end up fighting”
“My husband always says he enjoys the love-making, but I feel dissatisfied”
“My wife wants to have sexual relationships every night, she just doesn’t understand”
“He wants physical relationship only after getting drunk.”
The taboo to openly discuss about an individual’s sexual desires and sexual needs leads to hidden stress in a relationship.
Some of the key issues that are never discussed within a couple are :
a. Comfortable Frequency of sex in a week, month.
b. Comfortable days to have sex. (during menses, weekends, weekdays)
c. Desirable sexual positions
d. Foreplay and sexual performance
e. After sex talk
f. Wearing clothes or not during the act
g. Physical and mental condition of a person at that moment
h. Fantasies regarding it.
The lack of sexual satisfaction is one of the most common reasons to increase frustration and anger levels among couples.
It also forms one of the main reasons for extra-marital affairs or breakup of relationships.
Suspicion of Infedility
“My wife calls/sms more than 30times in a day, she gets angry if I don’t answer her”
“My girlfriend cann’t stand me talking to any other girl, why is she so insecure”
“Every time I come late from office, my husband feels uneasy”
“My boyfriend got a lesser job in my office, just to confirm if I was having an affair with my boss”
Suspiciousness or the fear of being cheated upon arises from the lack of trust between spouses or lovers. This lack of trusts spins out of a major defect in creating a firm and solid communication bridge among them.
Anger expressed with this feeling as the base is extremely destructive for a relationship.
Major communication gaps come in following areas:
a. Lack of understanding each other’s personality.
b. In case of an overtly suspicious partner, increased communication from the other partner is extremely important.
c. Extreme display of flirty nature might make your partner insecure.
d. Wearing clothes that are provocative.
e. Playing the blame game or insulting your partner.
"work, boss, travelling, and then she expects me to go out with her”
“I need to find a job else she won’t marry me”
“Children, Make-up, Client, Boss, After-event dinners, and he expects me to still have a happy face”
Earning money is not easy. Having a job, reporting to seniors, investing your money, travelling, always giving your best is a very tough emotional, physical and psychological task.
Job dissatisfaction, low self esteem, the pressure of bringing up kids all these add to an individual’s stress levels.
Home is the only place where an individual can vent out his stress. If he or she is not given a proper way to vent it out, it normally explodes as unexplained anger.
It’s important to find a common de-stressing activity for both partners.
Digging up old skeletons
“I told her about my past at the time of marriage, today 5yrs later she still brings that topic out”
“Every time my ex calls, she gets extremely sad”
“Since my husband knows that I have my ex-boyfriend on facebook friends list, every night we land up having a fight”
Many people preach or hold false-belief in modern ideologies of living. They still harbour rigid old generation thoughts about their husband or wife being a virgin and never have been in any relationship before.
Such people are very possessive and obsessed in trying to prove their deluded ideologies.
The best way is to create a communication bridge that shows a lot of transparency. It might be difficult at start, but on the long run can yield wonderful results.
“He spends money on brand new gadgets but if I have to account for every single hair clip I buy.”
“We both earn, but he says my salary should go for savings. I am left begging for money every month.”
“I love her like mad, but she won’t go out with me because I am not rich.”
“She keeps pressurizing me to earn more, else her father won’t say yes for marriage”
“Money is honey”... and every individual wants a spoonful of it. Every person is a little bit greedy about money. This greed remains even in the most love-filled of relationship.
It’s very important to set mutually agreed ground rules about income, expenditure and saving of money.
As mentioned, it has to be MUTUALLY agreed. The needs and desires of both should be democratically discussed and met. Any element of autocratic behaviour will lead to destructive anger.
Find the root cause of anger in your relationship, and eliminate it. Manage your life towards happiness.
Dr.Hemant Mittal (MBBS,PGDPM)
Body building is a great sport... it enhances the personality of an individual both biologically and psychologically... like any other sport or personality changing training it requires time and dedication... thousands of impatient youngsters take the short-cut, by consuming anabolic steroids without any professional supervision... Leading From mild effects like sexual dysfunction to major like psychosis (madness)-
the most common side effects:
1. elevate blood pressure,
2. harmful changes in blood cholesterol levels: some steroids cause an increase in LDL cholesterol and a decrease in HDL cholesterol.
3. Alter fasting blood sugar and glucose tolerance tests. Increasing risk of diabetes.
4. Increase the risk of cardiovascular disease or coronary artery disease.
5. Acne is fairly common due to stimulation of the sebaceous glands by increased testosterone levels.
6. Premature baldness
7. High doses of oral anabolic steroid compounds can cause liver damage,
8. There are also sex-specific side effects of anabolic steroids.:
a. Development of breast tissue in males, a condition called gynecomastia
b. Reduced sexual function in males
c. Temporary infertility due to testicular atrophy ( decrease in size and productivity of testicles.) This inhibits production of sperm. This is a temporary side effect. The size of the testicles usually returns to normal within a few weeks of discontinuing anabolic steroid use as normal production of sperm resumes.
d. Female-specific side effects include increases in body hair, deepening of the voice, enlarged clitoris, and temporary decreases in menstrual cycles.
Severe side effects of anabolic steroids-
a. In adolescents the steroids may prematurely stop the lengthening of bones resulting in stunted growth.
b. Accelerated bone maturation, that leads to decreased height in adolescents.
c. increased frequency and duration of erections. Also premature sexual development.
d. Alterations in the structure of the heart, such as enlargement and thickening of the left ventricle, hypertension, heart failure, arrhythmias and sudden cardiac death.
Upon administration, a small quantity of anabolic steroids goes to the brain through blood circulation. Over a long-run, these small quantities not only stimulate the brain , but also make it dependant on them. From the 1st dose onwards they start bringing small neuro-chemical and neuronal changes within the brain structure. These changes are manifested as severe psychiatric side effects.These include:
1. Aggression and hypomania- this is called "roid rage". Anabolic Steroids stimulate the brain upon consumption. This leads to increased irritability, hostility and anger. Once the anger is triggered, it can lead to disastrous consequences, even murder.
2. Clinical Depression and suicide - Both the consumption and withdrawal effects of anabolic steroids can trigger clinical depression and suicidal behaviour. Low self-esteem and lower levels of confidence, along with memory problems, concentration problems, sleep irregularities and negative thinking are prominently observed.
3. Addiction potential- They have very high addiction potential. Once such an addiction is triggered, the individual will spend majority of time, money and thought thinking over procuring the substance. The effect of the substance. He/she will require larger quantities of the substance. Over-indulgence in exercise, extreme episodes of violence, excessively thinking about the substance, extremes like involvement in anti-social activities to procure the substance can also occur.
4. Body dysmorphic disorder- A common mind-body interaction seen among anabolic steroid uses is the body dysmorphic disorder. An individual is always remains dissatisfied with his/her own body image. He intensifies the struggle to achieve a Adonis-like perfect body. This makes him overindulge in exercise, increased thinking about body building, increased learning and implementation about body building. This deviates him from his socio0cultural responsibilities and introduces personality changes, changes in sleep and appetite pattern , socio-cultural interaction which can lead to harmful effects including death.
5. Schizophrenia or Psychosis – Psychosis or developing an altered reality fully coloured with visions and voices is one of the severe most side effects of anabolic steroids. It’s mostly happens in cases of individuals with family history of schizophrenia, individuals in clinical depression or hypomanic state.
for further information contact me at -
Dr.Hemant Mittal (MBBS, PGDPM)
website - http://www.mindmantra.in
The Power of Love
Love is as critical for your mind and body as oxygen. It's not negotiable. The more connected you are, the healthier you will be both physically and emotionally. The less connected you are, the more you are at risk.
It is also true that the less love you have, the more depression you are likely to experience in your life. Love is probably the best antidepressant there is because one of the most common sources of depression is feeling unloved. Most depressed people don't love themselves and they do not feel loved by others. They also are very self-focused, making them less attractive to others and depriving them of opportunities to learn the skills of love.
There is a mythology in our culture that love just happens. As a result, the depressed often sit around passively waiting for someone to love them. But love doesn't work that way. To get love and keep love you have to go out and be active and learn a variety of specific skills.
Most of us get our ideas of love from popular culture. We come to believe that love is something that sweeps us off our feet. But the pop-culture ideal of love consists of unrealistic images created for entertainment, which is one reason so many of us are set up to be depressed. It's part of our national vulnerability, like eating junk food, constantly stimulated by images of instant gratification. We think it is love when it's simply distraction and infatuation.
One consequence is that when we hit real love we become upset and disappointed because there are many things that do not fit the cultural ideal. Some of us get demanding and controlling, wanting someone else to do what we think our ideal of romance should be, without realizing our ideal is misplaced.
It is not only possible but necessary to change one's approach to love to ward off depression. Follow these action strategies to get more of what you want out of life—to love and be loved.
• Recognize the difference between limerance and love. Limerance is the psychological state of deep infatuation. It feels good but rarely lasts. Limerance is that first stage of mad attraction whereby all the hormones are flowing and things feel so right. Limerance lasts, on average, six months. It can progress to love. Love mostly starts out as limerance, but limerance doesn't always evolve into love.
• Know that love is a learned skill, not something that comes from hormones or emotion particularly. Erich Fromm called it "an act of will." If you don't learn the skills of love you virtually guarantee that you will be depressed, not only because you will not be connected enough but because you will have many failure experiences.
• Learn good communication skills. They are a means by which you develop trust and intensify connection. The more you can communicate the less depressed you will be because you will feel known and understood.
There are always core differences between two people, no matter how good or close you are, and if the relationship is going right those differences surface. The issue then is to identify the differences and negotiate them so that they don't distance you or kill the relationship.
You do that by understanding where the other person is coming from, who that person is, and by being able to represent yourself. When the differences are known you must be able to negotiate and compromise on them until you find a common ground that works for both.
• Focus on the other person. Rather than focus on what you are getting and how you are being treated, read your partner's need. What does this person really need for his/her own well-being? This is a very tough skill for people to learn in our narcissistic culture. Of course, you don't lose yourself in the process; you make sure you're also doing enough self-care.
• Help someone else. Depression keeps people so focused on themselves they don't get outside themselves enough to be able to learn to love. The more you can focus on others and learn to respond and meet their needs, the better you are going to do in love.
• Develop the ability to accommodate simultaneous reality. The loved one's reality is as important as your own, and you need to be as aware of it as of your own. What are they really saying, what are they really needing? Depressed people think the only reality is their own depressed reality.
• Actively dispute your internal messages of inadequacy. Sensitivity to rejection is a cardinal feature of depression. As a consequence of low self-esteem, every relationship blip is interpreted far too personally as evidence of inadequacy. Quick to feel rejected by a partner, you then believe it is the treatment you fundamentally deserve. But the rejection really originates in you, and the feelings of inadequacy are the depression speaking.
Recognize that the internal voice is strong but it's not real. Talk back to it. "I'm not really being rejected, this isn't really evidence of inadequacy. I made a mistake." Or "this isn't about me, this is something I just didn't know how to do and now I'll learn." When you reframe the situation to something more adequate, you can act again in an effective way and you can find and keep the love that you need.
(This article was forwarded to me by a friend. And I thought it was apt to share it with all of you)
Dr.Hemant Mittal (MBBS, PGDPM)
The Stress Cycle
This is one of the most common health hazards that nearly 70% people face at least once in their life time. It not only affects a person emotionally, but financially and physically as it triggers repeated visits to doctors, blood checkups and medications.
What is The Stress Cycle?
It can be described as the following:
• You get negative moods or emotions caused by problems in at home, workplace, traffic, or friends. This ultimately led to generation of negative stress.
• This negative stress increases the biological demand on the body. This causes changes in blood circulation and weakens body immune system.
The most common physical manifestations of stress are high blood pressure, allergies, regular headaches, common cold, fever, digestive problems, memory problems, sleep problems, weight gain, concentration problems, sexual difficulties, hair fall, skin problems (acne, lack of glow on the skin).
• Since the root cause of Stress is never treated, these aliments keep recurring over a short period of time.
• The presence of negative stress along with recurring physical aliment, introduce change in your personality. This gives rise to negative attitudes and behaviors towards others.
• The realization that your behavior towards others has altered leads to further increase in negative stress and generation of anxiety.
• This newly added negative stress and anxiety reinforce your negative moods or emotions resulting in a full circle of stress.
Most stress sufferers can identify this stress cycle in their lives. But find themselves helpless to prevent it or battle it.
How to Prevent It?
The core belief of ancient medical practices, like ayurveda, has been treating the root cause.
To treat the root cause it’s important to identify the root cause.
If you are someone who has one or more of the above mentioned physical aliment then it’s time to introspect.
It’s time for you to think about your stress, how it has been affecting you, and what can be done to prevent it.
What is effective Help?
Modern living has introduced the concept of “immediate-results” or “short-term benefits” into our society. If you have the money and means, you can buy what you want. Certainly we carry that same attitude when it comes to health. You have a headache you take a pill. You have a common cold you take 2 pills. You have bad stomach you take a pill and powder. But when it comes to stress you just let it be.
In short, you never cure the main cause. You explore a 1000 ways to deal with it. You might even start a few of them, but along the way you forget and return back to the 1st square.
Like a small child, you blame the world and then you blame god. Still there is no solution. Finally you give up, and sit as lame duck for clinical depression to eat you over.
Effective help is a long term method. It might include some initial short term ways of bringing your stress down, but it focuses on long term ways to conquer stress and break the stress cycle.
“ Vikram and his family had noticed a change in his personality over the last few months. The pressure of performance at work, and the stressful commute were taking toll on him. He had become more irritable, pessimistic and violent. A visit to his general physician for continuous headache revealed high blood pressure. At 33yr, he was a mild hypertensive. His doctor asked him to take anti-hypertensive medication for 6months. A few weeks after starting medication, he noticed stomach problems starting to develop. He again visited his doctor, who thought it too be an Irritable Bowel Syndrome. A new tablet was added along with his already on-going anti-hypertensive. A few months later, he showed hair fall. He visited a dermatologist who introduced another tablet into his diet.
All his doctors told him to keep the stress down. Unfortunately, he knew about it, but never worked upon it.
I met Vikram, nearly 3years after he had been diagnosed with High blood Pressure. He still continued the tablet. Which in today’s society is sort of fashionable to consume? He still had his Irritable Bowel Syndrome, and he had lost all his hair. When I met him, he was suffering from Generalized Anxiety Disorder. That meant another pill to be added, but something that could be easily preventable.”
“Reshma was always a bold and beautiful girl. Her expectations from life were high. She wanted the best. A few years after her marriage, her personality started showing a change. She slowly became fearful, would dedicate most of her time taking care of her kids. Would involve herself in none productive work. Would spend time on the phone with her friends, or watching the T.V. slowly she gained a lot of weight, lost the glow on her face and skin started to sag. She visited a dermatologist for her skin treatment, when he suddenly happened to ask her about stress levels. She confessed to be feeling very lonely. Thou her family loved her she always felt more of the provider than the receiver of love.
She was referred for psychiatric help, which she never took.
5 yrs later, during one of her visits to India, she suffered a nervous breakdown. I was contacted by her family for a home visit. They wanted to keep the whole issue secret. I met her again at a coffee shop a few days after the incident. That’s when she told me, how she had been experiencing stress and its related physical aliment since more than 7yrs”.
“Shilpa was an amazing human being. She was always the first one to help others. This made her very popular among her peers and community. Being from a Punjabi background, she constantly faced the wrath of close family members for being over-weight. She had already been “rejected” by 5 prospective grooms because of her weight. Hundreds of thousands of rupees where spent on “helping” her become slim. From crash diets, to expensive slimming treatments, to liposuction, everything had been tried and failed. This issue had taken a dangerous effect on her mother. One day after battling it for few months, her mother walked into my clinic to seek treatment for severe depression that was forcing her towards suicidal thoughts. As Shilpa was accompanying her mother, I decided to psycho-analyze the young lady’s mind. It wasn’t soon before I found that she had a problem of compulsive eating. That was triggered by stress. Within 3 months Shilpa, lost 15kgs, and above all lost her stress. Today 9 months after I last met her, I daily bump into smiling, playful and cute pictures of her and her husband uploaded on Facebook”
Dr.Hemant Mittal (MBBS, PGDPM)