The trail of a Cheating Husband
“We had a love marriage. I trusted him blindly. I fought my family, society and friends for him. I still cannot believe it. He’s been having an affair with his secretary for 2yrs, and I just couldn’t sense it???” - Seema, 33yr old, BPO executive.
“Why me? I was a devoted wife, I took care of everything, his parents, the kids, the home. I never complained. I never asked for anything. Do I deserve this for trusting him? It’s been 3yrs since he has been in a relationship with her.” - Radha, 35yr old, housewife.
“I am so stupid…It all happened under my nose. You should hear what people say…The greatest Manager in the history of this Multi-national company couldn’t manage her own home. It’s devastating. It’s been a year, he gave so many cues, but I just couldn’t see” - Rohini, 36yr old, senior manager in a MNC.
The above are real life cases of adultery that I have interacted upon at the Mind Mantra clinic. The names have been changed to keep the information confidential. But the feeling that all of them share is the same. Undoubtedly a cheating husband is the most devastating psychological pain that any wife can be subjected to.
Biologically and psychologically men in general have a higher chance of cheating upon their partners. Mostly the “illicit” relationships arise out of need a fantasy or need for adventurous physical pleasure, but in many a cases it can be due to lack of emotional support at home.
Most men behave like boys when they are involved in an extramarital relationship. The guilt and excitement of a new female in their life, usually manifests through a lot of verbal and non-verbal cues. If a wife keeps her eyes and ears open, she can understand these cue’s and prevent such a happening.
The most common signs of cheating are:
1. Sudden Uncertain Schedules- Most men have a fixed life-style. Every day, every month, every year, year after year, they go to work at a specific time and come back at a specific time. Meeting, deadlines are normally advertised well in advance.
One of the first signs of a doubtful behavior are uncertain sudden changes in schedule (like sudden night long meetings, more work on weekends, problems with deadlines), long-late nights at work, increased frequency of office tours, increased complaining about co-workers and boss for increasing work burden..
The excuses are never-ending, with the purpose of spending more and more time outside home.
2. Guilt cover-up – The unconscious mind always wants to follow moral values. Men who are feeling guilty of what they are doing try to cover it up by giving extra attention to their wife. Sometimes they behave juvenile, newly-wed style. An increased expression of love through physical gestures like gifts, dinners, naughty text-messages, love letters, and even more intense love making is observed. Suddenly they rise from being “average” to “perfect husbands”
3. Hawk-eye – A happy relationship is based on the secret law of trust. Trust allows personal individualistic growth of each of the spouses. A man in an extra-marital relationship might suddenly keep extra scrutiny of his wife’s schedules. Minute to minute details are kept in memory. Specifics about the day’s activities, phone calls at odd times to secretly ask about their location, being more preoccupied with time and location is normally seen.
4. Secretive- Suddenly all his data will be password protected. Email address, cell phone, computers, are all going to have passwords. On being asked to unlock it, he might find excuses for the same. Else he would take some time to delete all sensitive data and than let his wife access data.
5. Looks- New focus on his looks. Sudden wardrobe changes, hairstyle changes, joining a gym, reducing weight are commonly observed.
6. Talk of town- Initial excitement normally leads a man to talk a lot about the particular female he is in or planning to get into an extra-marital relationship with. What starts with occasional updates, slowly might change into detailed description of her way of dressing, walking, likes, dislikes. He might also receive texts or calls from her, which are camouflaged as official work. On being questioned, normally she is portrayed as needing help and he as helping him.
7. Rumor-mill – When the chemistry between a man and a woman gets really good, rumors starting churning out fast. Many colleagues and friends might tease him at office parties and the odd looks from around the corners is more of a red signal of alert.
8. Fresh in morning, stale at night- Even if a man is tired because of work, he will always like to get intimate with his spouse. A change in sexual habits, with decreased interest in sex is quite significant of a changed mental status towards his relationship.
9. Arguments without a cause- If a man gets emotionally involved in his extra-marital relationship, his starts distancing from his family. Constant unwanted arguments, fights and excuses to stay out of home or at the “friends” place are experienced.
This article is meant to promote love and healthy relationships. It’s important for men to remember that a juvenile fantasy or short-term physical infatuation can destroy a healthy, happy and prosperous family life. It’s important for women to remember that a men might deviate from the righteous path because of a lack in communication, common goal-setting and common desires.
Dr.Hemant Mittal (MBBS, PGDPM)