Mind Games played in between a Husband and a Wife!!

Relationships are beautiful.. but at the same time they require a lot of understanding.

The one relationship that requires the maximum adjustment and understanding is marriage.

As per human nature, everyone tries to "mould" the behavior and thoughts of their partner... While this "moulding" might be healthy and loving at times, it can also take the dangerous shape of Mind Games.

A natural adaptation of most human personalities is that they all learn some degree of Mind Games.

While some are very good at playing the same, others are really poor.

Mind Games easy or natural way to deal with a difficult issue or to have things the way you want them, but in the long run, it isn't. They are hurtful and damaging to your marriage/relationship... As they will fuel your ego and subconsciously promote dishonesty while masking true love.

Most common Mind Games Strategies include -
· Inducing Shame or guild
· Crying/Tears
· sex - withholding sex or excessive demand for sex.
· Guilt.
· Emotional Withdrawal - being silent or lack of communication for long periods.
· Temper tantrums
· Threats and ultimatums
· Lying.
· Severe Criticism and disapproval.
· Showing exaggerated disappointment.
· Withholding information.

Reasons why Mind Games are played -
· To control and dominate a particular situation.
· To change the spouse behaviors as per one's own belief.
· To get attention.
· To receive sympathy
· To show the spouse down, and not let him/her be "more"
· To create a false sense of superiority.
· For selfish motives.

Are Mind Games Healthy?
Mind Games can be used both positively and negatively in a relationship

Positively when they are meant to help your partner come out of sadness, restlessness and fear.
When practiced very controlled way they can induce positivity through action of love.

When they become a common behavior pattern used for EGO satisfaction, they lead to Negative Consequences like -
· Dissatisfaction.
· Frustration.
· Defensiveness.
· Resentment.
· Hurt.
· Lack of trust.
· Discontent.
· Parting ways.

How to battle Negatives of Mind Games -
· Most people can Recognize when their spouse is trying to manipulate them... Most people decide to keep quiet and go with the flow, which becomes problematic for the long term relationship.
Its important one openly tells the other, where he/she is going wrong.

· Tell your spouse when you experience being manipulated by Mind games... Be specific in describing the manipulation and your feelings.
· Be direct in your questions or statements.

· If the manipulation in your marriage continues, find a marriage counselor/psychiatrist whom both of you consult.
Its important for both to consult, as that ways it gives the counselor a neutral idea on how to tackle the situation.

A great philosopher once said - : "The worst mind game ever is the one were one spouse tries to control the other... because its using the beautiful power of the brain to tell the other - You will do as I want, else you will suffer"... This behavior destroys the entire personality and individuality of both spouses and leads to extreme sadness".

(This is edited, adapted and some of my professional inputs added to an original psychological research forwarded to me by a very nice forum member.. My gratitude for the same.)

by -

Dr.Hemant Mittal (MBBS, DPM, MD(mindmantra))
(Psychiatrist, Motivational Writer and Counselor)

online counseling -
email – eksoch@gmail.com
website – www.mindmantra.in

personal counseling -
clinic address- 15, shreeji plaza, next to ice n spice restaurant, opposite seawoods station, seawoods (east)
Navi Mumbai

Love - does your relationship has this

"It's easy to find someone who tells you they love you,
it's hard to find someone who actually means it."

"Tony is in love with Maria, but still there relationship is still heading towards divorce... The more they try to come closer, the more they grow apart."

They wake up every morning and say "i love you" to each other, but they go to sleep like two strangers on the same bed.!!!

Thousands of couples are battling this same problem... they love each other.. but do they understand the meaning of it!!

I have asked hundreds of couples like, Tony and Maria, what they mean by being in love... and all the thousands of answers revolve around -
1. living under one roof
2. having a family
3. taking "care" of each other
4. adjusting to each others needs and wants.

in short - it all about sharing the same dream.

and in many a cases, 2 people want to share the same dream.. because they are fearful of being alone.
They are fearful of being judged for being alone.

ironically not even 2 twins have the same personality, so its even difficult for them to perfectly share a single dream.

In my experience as a psychiatrist...
Love is living your individuality, and having a partner who respects it...
Love is having a partner who enjoys seeing you as a individual, as you enjoy his/her individuality.

If you can break beyond the fear of loneliness,
you will find that the power of self, can take your relationship into an amazing high -

where caring happens involuntarily.
where bliss comes without demanding.
where you and your partner stop being possessive,
where you and your partner are never apart, no matter what the distance might be.
where trust isn't a question needed to be asked,
where communication is not in words but in presence.
where love is pure love.

to reach there you both have to break beyond the barrier of fear..


Dr.Hemant Mittal (MBBS, DPM, MD(mindmantra))
(Psychiatrist, Motivational Writer and Counselor)

email – eksoch@gmail.com
website – www.mindmantra.in

clinic address- 15, shreeji plaza, next to ice n spice restaurant, opposite seawoods station, seawoods (east)
Navi Mumbai

Thoughts that haunt you after a Break-up and the psychological realities associated with them.!!!

1. You think you will be weak without him/her… but instead as time passes by and you accept that he/she is not coming back.. you actually become stronger.

you learn to let go... and that makes your entire being stronger.

2. You think that you’ll be sad, but you learn to laugh harder.

When someone dear to you leaves, it drives you into extreme sadness.

For the first few days people sympathize with you and give you a crying shoulder… but if you keep crying the distance themselves from you.
so you involuntarily without wanting it, start “laughing”… like a small child who is learning to walk.. you learn to laugh…
first you copy those around you, whenever they laugh you laugh.
the sadness persists in your heart, but you laugh…
slowly you laugh more and more.
the more you try, the more you enjoy laughing.

You actually learn the importance of laughter… and you laugh harder.

Slowly the laughter is natural, it comes from inside, its a stronger and more peaceful laugh.

3. You think you’ll be helpless without him/her… but you actually become smarter.

In a relationship you depend on the other person for everything… even small things are considered token of “love”.
Dependency might lead to division of work, but it also creates helplessness.

One has to be self-sufficient to do everything on his/her own… You learn that once you are alone.
This learning is a strength of your personality.

Tony came to me because after his break-up he feared watching a movie alone in the cinema hall. A few months later, he walked alone into a cinema hall.. it was a small but very liberating experience... He understood, there was nothing he couldn’t do.

4. You think you’ll never grow without him/her, but you actually become wiser.

Your partner might have IQ levels which either lower or higher than yours…

Over a period in time, within a relationships, the partner of lower IQ feels frustration is he/she isn't allowed to express themselves... while the partner of higher IQ might feel frustrated if he/she is not understood.

I remember meeting Maria,  who was in severe depression because she had broken with his long time boyfriend… I asked her what new was she able too do… she said, now she could talk about religion and spirituality without being judged.

Actually she and her friends had a very naive idea about spirituality and their thoughts were very much painted by their own intrinsic desires.
Her ex-boyfriend was much more spiritually enlightened and would find this as a “childish” and “stupid”, he wanted her to focus on higher levels.

5. you think you’ll be broke or miss luxuries but you eventually become happier.

Being in a relationship might provide you with all the luxuries that you want.
Financial stability is one of the most important reasons to stay in a relationship.

Its true that initially its very difficult… you might have to struggle for a few months or even a few years.. but if you keep working hard you will start seeking how you become happier and richer.

6. You think you cann’t live and will die without him/her… but eventually you are living it king/queen size.

The worst part of a break up is the emotional sadness it creates.
It suddenly breaks your value system.
Specially in cases where you have been cheated or a 3rd person has been responsible for the break up.

The anger, the negativity, the resentment are expressions of your sadness, that like monsters keep eating you from inside.

Many people aren’t able to release these monsters.

Remember your anger is valid… cheating or a 3rd person intervention causing a relationship to break are not at all acceptable… so it good to be angry.
it shows that you value and love yourself.

You have to be careful, because even though this anger is good and a sign of self-love.. its anger in the end… it can become self-destructive and give rise to “crimes of passion”.

Its this anger that needs help.. there are 3 ways to tackle it
a. a friend/family member who can help vent it out
b. a counselor or psychiatrist who can help you
c. self-counseling through use of rational thinking
or use self-counseling through the process of meditation/spirituality.


Thanks for reading, your queries are welcome @-

Dr.Hemant Mittal
(Psychiatrist,Motivational Writer/Speaker and Counselor)

email – eksoch@gmail.com
website - http://mindmantra.in/services.html

personal consultation @-
address- Mind Mantra wellness clinic
Shop 15, shreeji plaza, next to ice n spice restaurant,
opposite seawoods station,
seawoods (east)
Navi Mumbai – 400706

Can You be in love with 2 people at the same time?

Maria told me that she had been married for 6yrs. She loved her husband and loved her 4yr old boy. Recently she met Tony. She was completely taken over by his persona. She now wants to be with him and thinks about him a lot.
She feels she is in love with Tony...  she was confused and wanted a solution.

As a psychiatrist I have been asked this questions thousands of times - can a person be in love with 2 people at the same time... and my answer has always been yes... a person can be in love with many people at the same time.

Now you are welcome to judge me.. but my answer is based on human psychology.

If we decode Love in terms of human psychology, you will find that love has 3 basic stages.

The first stage of love  - is when 2 people are connected through infatuation, physical attraction, passion and sexual satisfaction.

The second stage of love - emotional understanding, mental process (thoughts, gossiping, social rules/regulations followed), financial needs, religious needs and goals in life are matched.
This is the most volatile stage as maximum ego clashes happen here.

The third stage of love - Involves an adjustments to the goods and bads of the partner, so that a spiritual level of intimacy and mutual respect is formed.

Most relationships are evolving from the 2nd stage onwards... Hence it gives a chance for an individual to explore on both poles of the spectrum.

Henceforth a person can be in love with more than 2 people at the same time... Just the stage of their love will be different and their needs from every relationship will be different.

written by -

Dr.Hemant Mittal (MBBS, DPM, MD(mindmantra))
(Psychiatrist, Motivational Writer and Counselor)

online counseling -
email – eksoch@gmail.com
website – www.mindmantra.in

clinic address- 15, shreeji plaza, next to ice n spice restaurant, opposite seawoods station, seawoods (east)
Navi Mumbai

How a relationship is pushed to break point.

Psychological studies have proven that As time passes, a phase comes in every relationship when you know your partner like the back of your hand - you automatically know when he/she is mad, sad, angry, irritated, happy, & hurt... that's the time when 
a. you are the most comfortable as the relationship has a sense of control in it.
b. this knowledge and control makes you confident, so you start taking your partner for granted!!!

At this point if you take an important decision which is contradicted by your partner and he/she behaves in a way different to the image set in your mind, it leads to major conflict of interests which can eventually create a major drift in the relationship.

This a technique that relationship manipulators make use to break relationships!!! 
The steps normally followed are -
1. first they fuel your "individual ego"... show you individual dreams about your greatness, which makes you like them.
2. then they create a aura of superiority. You feel they are superior to you, they can teach you something, and they are superior to your partner.
3. then they slightly question your relationship, while still fueling your ego.
4. they prompt you to take a decision or behave in a way which otherwise you might not do.
5. once this decision creates a differences between you and your partner, they will take your side and slowly question "your importance in the relationship".
6. This creates a cloud of negativity regarding the relationship in your mind.
7. From here on you only focus on the negatives of your partner.. and see him as a negative.
8. the manipulator becomes your "saviour". 
9. Naturally your partner, who see's this manipulation might object against this "saviour" and it further deepens the drift.
10. eventually the manipulator secretly enjoys creating fights between you and your partner, by constantly pushing you to indulge in behavior which you wouldn't.
11. This eventually leads to a deepening drift that many a times ends with relationships breaking.

In most such cases, the partner that has been manipulated will complain - "i have given everything to this relationship and now I am exhausted"... actually they suffer from a depression, because they have lost -
a. the control on the relationship
b. "feel" they no longer understand their partner
c. at a point you realize that your "saviour" isn't superior to you, he is as flawed as you. At this moment of realization, you understand the wonderful bond you have destroyed.
d. guilty for having done what they have, but are too influenced by the manipulator to break free.

Politics is the lowest form of Love... Manipulators slowly and slightly introduce politics in a relationship, leading to ego battles.
Manipulators talk of love and freedom/.. but are themselves extremely restless, control seeking human beings... they have themselves failed to get a control on their relationships, so they seek to control you and your relationship.
Learn to identify Manipulators.
Take them for psychiatric treatment, cause they are the worst "evil" available in the world.
written by -
Dr.Hemant Mittal (MBBS, DPM, MD(mindmantra))
(Psychiatrist, Motivational Writer and Counselor)
email – eksoch@gmail.com
website – www.mindmantra.in
clinic address- 15, shreeji plaza, next to ice n spice restaurant, opposite seawoods station, seawoods (east)
Navi Mumbai

Adult Tantrums

Tony was enjoying dinner with Maria at a restaurant in Mumbai.
The waiter took their order and disappeared into the crowd.
10 minutes into the wait, Tony became restless.. 20minutes into the wait Tony started muttering obscenities.
Maria tried to calm him down. She wanted him to focus on the good time they were having and to enjoy the process of fine dinning.
30 minutes into the wait, Tony couldn't take it.. He directly went to the manager and registered a complain.
The waiter re-surfaced 5 minutes later with their order. Tony yelled at top of his voice, "Are you a fashion model or a big celebrity, hope you have a great explanation for being late... because when I am paying 10 times your daily pay for a single meal, I hate to wait?"
People at other tables stared. Maria felt completely embarassed... 
she complained to Tony, "Its always the same, I hate it when you do that... A store manager, hotel attendant, waiter... it doesn't matter to you, you just shout and ruin every occasion... now eat this meal alone, i am least interested..."

Mental exhaustion is increasing in todays intellectual class. From the moment you wake up till the moment you sleep, the brain is working overtime. 
Stress about money, work, family, love life, sex life, commuting and how people are judging you dominates the mind.

What is a tantrum?
A temper tantrum can be defined as a sudden emotional and behavioral expression of anger.
This behavior may involve shouting, taunting, crying, screaming, physical violence and high levels of distress.
Its a ego-based mechanism used by the mind to release the excessive stress one is subjected to.

5 Common people/situations in which a Person throws Tantrums are - 
1. at lover/spouse
2. at people lower on the socio-economic cadre - attendants in stores, waiter, hotels, airports, office, etc.
3. in front of friends regarding behavior of teacher/senior/boss
4. people talking loudly on the cell phone.
5. served uncooked food.

Common reasons for throwing a tantrum - 
1. how physically and mentally tired an individual.
2. age - extreme of age (young adults and senior citizens) have lower threshold.
3. decreased glucose level in the blood - time since last meal.
4. The level of stress one is battling with.
5. Medical physical, mental, or emotional problems.

Why is a tantrum dangerous?
1. creates a negative attitude about you in front of people
2. can create rifts between relationships
3. loss of job 
4. you may be asked to leave a store, a restaurant or even the airport.
5. can get you into legal problems.

5 common ways of handling tantrums - 
1. get proper sleep.
2. eat something nutritive every 3-4hrs.
3. decrease stress by meditation or professional counseling.
4. get proper treatment for medical physical, mental or emotional problems.
5. accept you have a tantrum problem - confide in a friend, partner, or your spouse. Ask for their help. 
Whenever you can feel such anger coming, talk to them or sms them.

Most people with dangerous tantrums are in denial about how mad they get.
They try to use "rationalization" to run-away from accepting the truth. 
Remember - When you get angry, the emotional centre of the brain has a much greater influence than the part that governs conscious thinking. 
The angrier you become, the less aware you are of it.
Your friends, family and spouse are the best judge of your anger levels as they have to control you and also control the situation.
written by -
Dr.Hemant Mittal (MBBS, DPM, MD(mindmantra))
(Psychiatrist, Motivational Writer and Counselor)
online counseling - 
email – eksoch@gmail.com
website – www.mindmantra.in
clinic address- 15, shreeji plaza, next to ice n spice restaurant, opposite seawoods station, seawoods (east)
Navi Mumbai

Have Nothing to Wear? - what it means psychologically

"Maria and Tony have been together for years... Over the years, Maria has grown to complain that she has "nothing to wear" -- even though her closets are full of clothes."
The mental attitude "having nothing to wear", when coming from a socio-economically affordable class, psychologically reflects some deep mental attitudes that an individual might be fighting with.
Here are some of them -
1. Burnout!!!
Most women love and enjoy shopping, picking out clothes and getting dressed. 
Its a natural socially acceptable de-stressing exercise.
If you no longer enjoy this process, you might be experiencing more than just occasional blues: you could have burnout.
A woman's life is extremely hectic. - Family, friends, husband, boyfriend, children, kitchen, work... There is too much to do, with too little time.
Every task does put some stress on their mind... Normally the brain-mind complex look to counter this stress by regulating the mind-body chemical system.
When this stress is beyond the "natural control" of the body, it leads to depletion of pleasure chemical in the brain like "serotonin". 
One of the commonest expressions of this burnout is neglect or avoidance of previously pleasurable activities, like shooping.

2. Bored
Tony complains to me that Maria is always saying she has nothing to wear - but her closet it full... he further adds that she will buy new clothes probably every week. Use them the very same week, and then get bored with them...
He wants me to show her some practicality.
Most Men are not very finicky about dressing and their clothes. They can have the same wardrobe for years together.
As a psychiatrist i can tell you that most Women are different, they crave clothing novelty. Nothing makes them feels better than putting on a new outfit.
A mind game were by a psychological adventurism is satisfied with social acceptability and recognition. This gives them an emotional high, similar to that of an orgasm.
Thats one of the reasons why you'll find woman posting photos on Facebook in brand new and counting the amount of likes she gets.
Its the need to satisfy this need for attention, that they get bored with their wardrobes very soon.
If there is a lack of "excitement" in their life, then there is chance of a higher boredom and which stops them from experimenting with different cloth combination.

3. Body Concerns
Our society is conditioned to judge a female member much more by her physical appearance than it is to judge a male.
Still parents stop their girl child from "eating" because it will make them "fat".
Social judgement of a lady by her body structure, leads to extremely high body scrutinizing within the female gender.
Dresses are seen as measure of physical appearance, and even slight weight gain or weight loss affects the subconscious mind strongly.
"Maria will complain to Tony - Nothing looks good on me... i have grown fat.. you will not love me anymore."
The physical body is changing every day.. and specially in women... Since change is not acceptable... body concerns reflected by "tight" or "loose" dress, can become extremely high anxiety causing and lead to very high stress levels.

4. Hoarding - one outfit is never enough.
Shopping is one of the socially acceptable ways of releasing anxiety. 
Businessmen know they can make more money in sales than in the entire year, because the mention of sale increases the anxiety level of female customers and forces them to spend much more than planned.
Women with high restlessness levels, are known to buy more than one garment at a time. Its an obsessive compulsive behavior, were they will buy a few garments and then promise themselves this is the last spending of the season/month/year.
The very next day or within the next week, they will be again indulging in "binge" shopping.
This obsessive compulsive shopping is always accompanied with hoarding. 
I have met many cases were the - Husband, family, relatives don't realize that the lady is using Shopping as a silent way to drown the painful emotions that she is battling subconsciously... she will stuff her closets, then her car trunk, even kids room with clothes she bought compulsively. 
She will be "counseled" - asked or ordered not to buy any more clothes or do any more shopping, but she will find it increasingly difficult to control.
Her interest in most of the clothes immediately finishes as soon as she stores them. Hence she might wear only one set of clothes or always complain she doesn't have anything to wear.
written by -
Dr.Hemant Mittal (MBBS, DPM, MD(mindmantra))
(Psychiatrist, Motivational Writer and Counselor)
email – eksoch@gmail.com
website – www.mindmantra.in
clinic address- 15, shreeji plaza, next to ice n spice restaurant, opposite seawoods station, seawoods (east)
Navi Mumbai

Anxiety,depression bog down Mumbaikars, kills happiness!!

(ARTICLE BY - Malathy Iyer FROM TIMES OF INDIA - EDITION 15/09/2013)

Mental Illness Is A Cause For Misery,Says UN Report 

If you walk on the road,you could be hit by a speeding car.
If you are wearing a gold chain, you could be assaulted.
If the rupee doesnt improve, your EMIs could touch the roof.
Such constant, daily anxieties could be making Mumbai a sicker and unhappy place to live in.
Its not only the recent spate of rapes, murders and assaults; its the underlying mental health problems - be it anxieties or depression, that are making Mumbaikars uneasy.

The newly released United Nations Happiness Report underlines this overall picture of misery.
India has been ranked 111th among 156 nations in the happiness survey.
The UN report has, for the first time, spelt out the rising burden of mental health as the major contributor to unhappiness.
Mental illness is a highly influential and in the countries we have assessed, the single biggest determinant of misery, said the UN Happiness Report,adding that 10% of the worlds population at any one time is either depressed or suffering from anxiety disorders.

Mumbai is the scene of chronic disaster syndrome, says psychiatrists.
Women no longer feel safe on roads. Earlier it was random reports about accidents but today reports about suicides, thefts, murder and rapes that increase the terror in the mind. 
Experts said the numbers in Mumbai could be higher at 12% given the daily stressors like the wait at railway stations, the queue for rickshaws, the lack of pavements, the overcrowding are all known to trigger anxiety disorders.

Stress and anxiety increase as the reading on a fast moving car's speedometer. 
When peace is destroyed, happiness is reduced and stress increases.
Worse,this triggers anxiety, confirmed psychiatrists. 

A leading psychiatrist in South Mumbai, mentioned that city's creaking infrastructure, high corruption factor, job stress and lack of security are even affecting the mental health of higher economic class. In lower-resource settings, the situation is considerably worse.

There is overall frustration levels coupled with decreasing wealth is destroying the happiness of the city.

The commonest causes for loss of effective manpower hours include five psychiatric reasons such as depression, anxiety disorder, alcoholism, bipolar disorder and schizophrenia.

In India,it is worsened by the fact that there are an enormous number of people who need mental health interventions but a fraction of people seek help says the WHO report. 


queries welcome at - 

Dr.Hemant Mittal (MBBS, DPM, MD(mindmantra))
(Psychiatrist, Motivational Writer and Counselor)

email – eksoch@gmail.com
website – www.mindmantra.in

clinic address- 15, shreeji plaza, next to ice n spice restaurant, opposite seawoods station, seawoods (east)
Navi Mumbai

Psychology of a BAD BEHAVED CHILD or TEEN.

"Tony is a parent who is extremely stressed because of his 17yr old son's behavior. He has been trying to handle it with all tactics, but its becoming increasing impossible over the last 2 years.
Tony knows how bad behaved his child is, but doesn't want to publicly accept it. As this would mean he has been a bad parent.

Over the last 2yrs, the child has become extremely angry, demanding, spiteful and argumentative.
Such is the condition that they have stopped taking him to social events, as they fear he of what he might say or do."

Tony is just one example of millions of parents who are trying to control a "bad behaved child".

A bad behavior is a sign of an underlying problem troubling the child. He/She is unable to express it, and parents are mostly "blinded" to see it.

Common mental patterns associated with a restless, hyperactive or confused mind -
1. Negativity - there is high negativity in the child's thought process. With minimal or no rationalization, the first thought regarding any issue is opposite and negative.

2. Defiance - defiance of the rules and regulations to be followed. Actions are purposefully meant to induce anger in the adults.
3. Disobedience - disobeying instructions given to him/her.
4. Hostility directed towards parents and/or authority figures

Common behavioral manifestations of the mental patterns within a "bad behaved" teenager or young adult. -

1. Throws tantrums
2. Sudden Mood Swings with extreme anger.
3. Highly argumentative with adults, even on insignificant things.
4. Refuse to comply with adult requests or rules
5. Annoy other people deliberately
6. Blames others for mistakes or misbehavior.
7. Unpredictable - Gets annoyed without any reason.
8. There is high level of anger and resentment against others.
9. Be spiteful or vindictive - doesn't forget acts against self, and is always vengenceful against acts as old as in early childhood.
10. Act aggressively toward peers
11. Have difficulty maintaining friendships
12. Have academic problems
13. Feel a lack of self-esteem
14. doesn't see his or her behavior as defiant. Instead, believe that parents demands are unreasonable.
15. indulgence in addictions like - alcohol, nicotine, psychotropic drugs.

The causes for such a "bad behavior" -
1. Genetic - transfer of aggressive traits from the parents or grand-parent.
2. Limitations or developmental delays in a child's ability to process thoughts and feelings.
3. Lack of supervision in childhood.
4. Rebellious attitude against extreme harsh discipline in childhood.
5. Abuse - physical or sexual
6. neglect  of child - due to work or favortism towards other child.

7. biological cause - deficiency of brain chemicals like serotonin, disturbance in dopamine mechanism.

Treatments -
1. psychotherapy - counseling to handle emotions, thoughts and act in specific situations and with parents.
2. medications - to calm down the child and break his mental restlessness.
New age medicines are mostly less in side-effects.
3. Occupational therapy - to condition the mind.
4. Alternative therapies - Yoga, relaxation, exercising - that help channelize his/her extra energy and anger.

written by -

Dr.Hemant Mittal (MBBS, DPM, MD(mindmantra))
(Psychiatrist, Motivational Writer and Counselor)

email – eksoch@gmail.com
website – www.mindmantra.in

clinic address- 15, shreeji plaza, next to ice n spice restaurant, opposite seawoods station, seawoods (east)
Navi Mumbai

Marriage or Divorce - How they become Big Mistakes!!

In the years leading up to my marriage, I thought about marriage very often.
One night, in a bar I sat beside an old sailor. He hade been watching me steadily as I drank. Then we started discussing children; he’d never had any, and I said I thought I would not, as I was certain my kid would be a bad kid. 
He said, “How could anything not good come from you?”
I felt so moved then—shivering at the thought of a divine love that accepts us all, in our entirety.
Then the moment was gone. I saw him as just an old man staring at a girl. 
He didn’t know me. I always felt there was something wrong inside me, something ugly, which I didn’t want anyone to see.
I knew the only way to repair this badness was devotion in love — the promise of my love to a man. 
Commitment looked so beautiful but so distant to me. I wanted it to be perfect: consistent, wise, loving, and true. I wanted to be an ideal wife, and believed marrying would make me into the upright, good-inside person I hoped the world would accept.
Maybe it would also correct my flightiness, confusion, and selfishness.
SEVERAL YEARS AGO, when I was engaged to be married but afraid to go through with it—afraid that I would end up divorced like my parents, and not wanting to make a big mistake—I had gone to a close friend with my concerns. We were drinking at a party and left to take a walk through the night, our feet brushing gently through the lightly fallen snow. As we walked, I told her my fears. Then, after listening for a long while, she finally said, “The only thing I ever understood is that everyone should make the big mistakes.”
I took what she said to heart and got married. Three years later I was divorced.
Several months before our wedding, my fiancé and I were strolling together in an elegant park when off in the distance we noticed a bride and a groom standing before a congregation, tall and upright like two figures on a cake. 
I could not see the groom’s face—he was turned away—but the bride was facing me. The vows were being exchanged, and the minister was speaking quietly. Then I saw and heard the lovely bride grow choked up with emotion as she repeated the words. A tear ran down her cheek, and she had to stop and collect herself before she finished what she was saying.
As my fiancé and I walked away, I said that I thought it was a pretty vain, stupid to get choked up on.
On the day of our wedding, my fiancé and I stood in a bay window before an audience of a dozen people—family and close friends—repeating our marriage vows as the minister spoke them.
Then something happened. As I said the words Tears welled in my eyes, My voice cracked with the same emotion. It was a copy, some kind of strange possession. It was not me.
Every other Wednesday during my marriage, our apartment was filled with smoke from the cigarettes of all our friends. They drank in our rooms and made out on the fire escape. 
In the beginning, it felt like something truly important was happening. People came, and there was a bounty: cheese and grapes and bread and wine and all the alcohol you could drink.
But two years into our parties, I surveyed the scene from the corner and wondered, Why are we having these parties? 
What were we making, coming together like that? 
We were trying to prove that we had everything because we had parties, but I began to feel like we had nothing but parties.
Friends passed through our doors. We laid out food and drinks. I started going to bed at one in the morning, then at midnight, then eleven, then ten. When finally everyone left at two or three or four, I would rise from bed and go downstairs, clean up the food, and cap the drinks. I would straighten the pillows, fix the chairs, sweep away the remnants of bread and cheese, dump out the cigarette butts and plastic cups.
It was if I was a walking dead at that moment - I could not feel my heart, I had no courage, I could not use my brain.
One night at one of our parties, After pouring myself a gin and tonic, I noticed that my husband was talking close to someone I had never seen before, who was a sitting on the window ledge. 
She had bleached blond hair and dark, obvious roots. Her voice was deep. She looked at the same time like a little girl and a sexy woman.
My husband and I never cared about who could talk or flirt with. It had never happened in all our years as lovers and spouses... but something about this scene was threatening. I didn’t like his eagerness, how alive and happy he seemed. 
It wasn’t like watching him talk to other girls. I felt a jealousy spoil my blood. What does she have that I don’t? came into my head, like a thunderclap; a question that left me so ashamed that I turned away and made for the fire escape to smoke alone.
I had lived with only one man before my husband: my high school boyfriend—the first man I truly loved. We thought we would be together forever, or if we separated, that we would return to one another in the end.
We moved in together, He sat at his desk and wrote plays, while I sat at my desk and wrote plays too. 
One evening, spying outside my door, he heard me talking on the phone with a friend about how I had a crush on a photographer in New York and thought it would be exciting to be with him. He had taken some flattering pictures of me before and I still thought about him a bit, sometimes.
My boyfriend, felt hurt and jealous and betrayed, that night stole my computer from my room as I was sleeping and wrote on it till dawn, then returned it to my desk before I woke.
When I got up the next morning, I found, there on the screen, an outline for a play about my life—how it would unfold, decade by decade. Reading it compulsively as the sun came up in the window behind me, I grew incredibly scared. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I absorbed the terrible picture he had painted of my life.
In the story, my desire to be with the photographer in New York started me on a path of chasing one fruitless prospect after the next, always dissatisfied, heading farther and farther away from the good. Picking up men and dropping them. I marched on life ever more loveless and alone.
I tried to forget his play, but I could not, and the more I pressed it away, the more it seared itself into my heart. It lodged inside me like a seed that. The conviction in its every line haunted me.
I was sure he could see my insides, as he was the first man who had loved me. I was determined to act in such a way as to erase the fate of the play, to bury far from my heart the rotting seed he had discovered—or planted—there.
But tonight as I saw that girl talk to my husband, I felt it all coming back...I was already watching it take root and grow into my life.
Since the beginning, there had been an empathy between me and my husband; there had always been a sweetness. It was like we were afraid of breaking the other. We never fought or nagged.
As for difficult conversations that might hurt the other — we left those matters alone.
Perhaps it could have gone on for all our life, with all our love— but now a few years into my marriage, I tripped.
I tripped and stumbled and I regained my step, but in the wrong place this time, and my days began to mirror exactly, in smell and sensation, as when I discovered my first boyfriends play on my computer.
A vivid echo of those days, a living memory of it, entered my life again, came into my marriage, and remained with me for a whole six months. I wanted to break out of that loop — it felt terrible; something a person should not experience — just wrong! Every day should feel new, but I was back in the atmosphere of another time; one I had lived in already.
Every morning I woke up beside my husband and looked around to see if the feeling was still there; it always was. And I would get up for the day, exhausted with the same tense idleness I had felt back then.
I felt the blood inside me gathering fast, the pulse drum up in my ears, my skin grow tense and cold, like I was pushing through the atmosphere too fast. 
My body was filled to bursting with dread, the anticipation of something I did not know, and an equal resistance overtook me — as voice in my head kept saying to break through the brick wall.
One evening, I saw what the brick wall was: my marriage. A tension came over me, an unbearable feeling of just wanting to get it over with. The wall was there; the pressure could only be released one way. — when my husband lay down beside me that night, I turned over and said, as though I had thought it all through, considered his side, and was making a thoughtful decision: “I cannot be with you anymore.”
He’d had no sense of the storm clouds that had been building within me, and when he slammed out of the room, the storm clouds burst into rain, and all over my face and body was cold - I didn't know if that was out of the stupidity i had just done or was out of a sense of relief.
MORAL - this series of excerpts from the novel - How Should a Person Be?- by Sheila Heti - wonderfully show how the human mind works... how we criticize others but are somewhere programmed to end up doing the same as them, 
how we analyse others opinions about us, 
how one incident can induce so much of negativity in our mind, 
how the past haunts us, 
how we take decisions based on the past and not the present.
A wonderful read.
Dr.Hemant Mittal (MBBS, DPM, MD(mindmantra))
(Psychiatrist, Motivational Writer and Counselor)
email – eksoch@gmail.com
website – www.mindmantra.in
clinic address- 15, shreeji plaza, next to ice n spice restaurant, opposite seawoods station, seawoods (east)
Navi Mumbai

Salman Khan personality - why being a Bad Boy can make you a chick magnet or a recipe for destruction!!!

Maria was having an office affair with one of her colleagues... When her family found out they couldn't believe it was a guy with the worst reputation and attitude of all.

Just like Maria, there are millions of women who are attracted to males with a "bad boy" attitude.

There is certainly a truth in the sentence "opposites attract"... and nothing is more true than in the case of women who are attracted to a male with "bad boy" attitude.

Psychologically lets decipher the reasons why this "fatal attraction" is there -

1. They are confident -
Confidence overflows into everything they do... be it the friends they make, the food they eat, the car or bike they drive, the way they drive, the way they order their drinks and even the way they talk to other women.
The confidence can easily be confused with narcissm.

2. They are indifferent
Rule books are not applicable to them and when it comes to getting things done, it's either their way or the highway.
You can't expect to change him, or set him straight as they will not change.

3. They are exciting and adventurous
They love excitement and adventure. Always testing boundaries, never complaining about anything, always engrossed in the moment.

4. They are Rebellious and mysterious
Our brain is conditioned to pick up routine behaviour. So the moment you behave routinely, a woman's brain picks it up. But bad boys are rebellious and mysterious. No one can predict their next move.
Its this guessing game that woman love and many woman feel the need to control.

5. They love to take control
They are often rugged and in-control. They directly speak what they feel about someone or a situation.
They speak clearly and confidently, they look you in the eye, they are passionate about what they believe in...

6. They give women a feeling of power
Bad boys have an air of power surrounding their aura. Whenever they sit at a place other males will try to show them down.
Since they are indifferent and don't care, many women don't understand how can they be "emotionless".
Women themselves feel powerful when they are able to control such men.

7. They know how to talk to women
They know how to listen and wear to stop a woman from talking.  Even while many of them fail to have the detailed knowledge about a topic, they automatically behave as if they know a topic in complete detail.
Some are good with words and others are good with body language.

Where do Bad Boys Fail?
Bad boys are not all glory, they also have a negative side.

1. Emotional Bomb - in most cases they are very selfish... Relationships are just a passing enjoyment for them... But if and when they become deeply emotionally attached to a woman, the invest so much energy that it can actually be destructive for their personality.
Specially in cases when this relationship fails.

2. Lack of Planning - they are very bad at planning the future. They need a god-father who can utilize their energy in constructive ways.
Elsewise they can get lost in their ever "enjoying" life-styles.

3. Manipulative - because of disregard for rules, they tend to bend rules as per there want and need. This can many a times lead them to face legal or professional problems.

4. Unpopular with the "civilized" world- till they are young adults people are envious of their ways of living. As they grow into marriage and parenthood, they are required to tone down and behave more "socially" coherent.
Inability to do so, makes them unpopular among their peers. Even many labelling them as a negative influence.

written by -

Dr.Hemant Mittal (MBBS, DPM, MD(mindmantra))
(Psychiatrist, Motivational Writer and Counselor)

email – eksoch@gmail.com
website – www.mindmantra.in

clinic address- 15, shreeji plaza, next to ice n spice restaurant, opposite seawoods station, seawoods (east)
Navi Mumbai

Pornography addiction after Marriage

A new research says “watching porn for married men and women, triggers the same area of the brain as being involved in an extra-marital sexual relationship”
The growth of individual exposure and social acceptance of adult entertainment, has also triggered addiction to the same.
There are thousands of men and women who even after marriage, only feel sexual satisfaction after indulging in porn.

why do men/women get addicted to watching porn even after marriage?
One has to remember that Sex is one of the most powerful physiological and psychological process of the body.
Sexual needs are triggered by anxiety, need for adventurism, intrigue, peer pressure and "media".
Pornography provides a "safe" gateway to satisfaction of all these emotions -
1. Ego satisfaction - Sex helps satisfy the carnal ego of an individual.
Watching porn makes one "imagine" and "feel" that he/she is having sex with the man/woman of their desire... automatically giving an ego boost.
2. Pure physical satisfaction - Relationships require effort. Love is an exchange of emotions. Satisfying sex is a physical manifestation of positive exchange of emotions between a husband and wife.
In couples were this exchange is disturbed, sex automatically becomes disturbing.
Porn provides a person the chance to "sexual satisfaction" on his own terms, with an imagined way of emotional exchange.

3. Feel Young - No one likes to age. And one of the worst part of aging is feeling rejected by the opposite sex.
Pornography gives you the chance of transporting your psychologically to any physical age you like.

4. Physical attraction – Many people, specially in india, marry spouses who are not “physically attractive” for them.
They aren't physically attracted to their partners... hence through pornography they "envision" a partner they desire to have.

5. Stress – many people since young age develop the habit of using "masturbation" as a way to relieve their anxiety/stress/tensions.
Many cannot sleep properly without indulging in the same. 
Even As they get married, their mind is conditioned to relieve stress/anxiety/tensions through the act of sex... since Sex is not done on a daily basis, pornography and subsequent masturbation become their stress relievers.

Pornography is a highly addictive drug, which can lead to negative impacts on the brain.
Since pornography has evolved into many different types and kinds, it has successfully included anger, lust, violence, suspiciousness and possessiveness as core emotions of its graphic content.
There is no healthy exposure to pornography... and its most important for an individual to develop a loving relationship with his/her partner.
Marriage is probably the most socially important and one of the most beautiful relationships a person will have in his life... but the essence of the same lies on effective communication in and out of bed.
For any queries, write in at -
Dr.Hemant Mittal (MBBS, DPM, MD(mindmantra))
(Psychiatrist, Motivational Writer and Counselor)
email – eksoch@gmail.com
website – www.mindmantra.in
clinic address- 15, shreeji plaza, next to ice n spice restaurant, opposite seawoods station, seawoods (east)
Navi Mumbai

The psychology of Superstitions

The bottomline fact is that Stress makes people “more superstitious”.
Psychological studies have revealed that stress eventually increases the mental restlessness and the feeling of insecurity.
The rising lack of control and insecurity within the mind leads one to seek control.
Superstitions and rituals are believed to provide an initial sense of control... This eventually leads to mental conditioning and mind addiction towards these "unnatural" behaviors.
The lack of control on life, increased insecurity and addiction to rituals and superstitions changes the brain chemistry creating an extremely strong desire for "immediate desire satisfaction".
This eventually leads to production of delusions and hallucinations by the brain... which is described as an individual seeing or sensing entities that actually don't exist.
Hence Superstitions are erroneous "control seeking" mental patterns which are dangerous enough to create "delusions" or "false beliefs" which can even drive an individual to commit illegal activities like rape or murder.
Very high belief in Superstitions henceforth is a definitive sign of a very hyperactive and restless brain which needs psychiatric medical treatment.

written by -
Dr.Hemant Mittal (MBBS, DPM, MD(mindmantra))
(Psychiatrist, Motivational Writer and Counselor)
email – eksoch@gmail.com
website – www.mindmantra.in
clinic address- 15, shreeji plaza, next to ice n spice restaurant, opposite seawoods station, seawoods (east)
Navi Mumbai

Alexander the Great's - greatest teaching!!

Alexander the Great or Sikandar as known in India, was the King of Macedon, Greece. 
By the age of 30, he had created one of the largest empires of the ancient world. 
He was undefeated in battle and is considered one of history's most successful commanders. 

There was no limit to his power, fame and wealth. He had millions of subordinates, millions dreamt of being him and his coffers where full of the most precious diamonds, pearls, gold and ornaments.
At the age of 33, Alexander was in Babylon, far away from his homeland, when he fell ill... he understood that death was fast approaching him.
He told his officers: "I will soon leave this world. I have three final wishes. You need to carry out what I tell you."
His generals, in tears, agreed.
"My first wish is to have my physician take my coffin home alone."
After a gasping for air,
Alexander continued: "My second wish is scatter the gold, silver, and gems from my treasure along the path of my coffin"
After resting for a while, he said: "My final wish is that to put my hands outside the coffin."
People surrounding him were very curious about his wishes.
His favored general kissed his hand and asked: "My Majesty, We will follow your instruction. But can you tell us why you want us to do it this way?"
After taking a deep breath, Alexander said: "I want everyone understand 3 lessons I have learned.
1st - To let my physician carry my coffin alone is to let people realize that a physician alone cannot cure your illness. People need to realize what treasure life is, appreciate it and appreciate your body.
2nd - By scattering my wealth, I want to tell people not to follow me. I spent my whole life pursuing wealth, but I today I realize I that beyond a point I just kept wasting my time.
3rd - My third wish is to let people understand that I came into this world in empty hands and I will leave this world also in empty hands. So will you... hence make the best of every single day.
he closed his eyes after finished talking and stopped breathing.
Dr.Hemant Mittal (MBBS, DPM, MD(mindmantra))
(Psychiatrist, Motivational Writer and Counselor)
email – eksoch@gmail.com
website – www.mindmantra.in
clinic address- 15, shreeji plaza, next to ice n spice restaurant, opposite seawoods station, seawoods (east)
Navi Mumbai

We learn to live somewhere between the lives we have and the lives we would like to have.

Tony was a young adolescent always complained of not having a girlfriend... He secretly wanted to be like his friends who were in a relationship. 
While praying he would ask god to give him one girlfriend... even if it was for a few months, he wanted to be in a relationship.

A few years later, he found Maria, they fell in love... everything seemed amazing... since all his friends were getting married, he felt it was right time to get married.. so he proposed marriage to Maria.

Maria was commitment phobic and not prepared for a long term relationship... she had other dreams.. so she denied it... Their relationship broke down.

Tony couldn't take the heart-break, and went into depression. He would question god, why did you give me a girlfriend if you had to take her away??

A few months later as he came out depression, he again prayed to God... please give me a great wife... a beautiful, well educated and financially sound wife.

There are millions of Tony's and Maria's out there... They are adjusting to live somewhere between the lives they have and the lives they would like to have.

written by -

Dr.Hemant Mittal
(Psychiatrist, Motivational Writer and Counselor)

email – eksoch@gmail.com
website – www.mindmantra.in

clinic address- 15, shreeji plaza, next to ice n spice restaurant, opposite seawoods station, seawoods (east)
Navi Mumbai

How thoughts of the Past haunt you

I know thousands of people who consider psychiatry as some modern form of "witch-craft".

Once a patient always a patient... psychiatrists only want to drug you and make you addicts!! - are some of the common lines still told to me each day.

Tony is one such staunch believer who was forced to seek help a few months ago.

Tony was sexually abused as a child by his own uncle... He hasn't been able to forget that horifying experience... Not being able to vent it out, Harboring this secret in his heart for last 15yrs has shaped his personality.

Like most people going through suffering, he has sort solace in god, but the anger, guilt, irritation and continuous vivid thoughts of the past still haunt him.

For years he tried to "control" these, by "spreading the name of god"... everything he preached religion to someone, he felt his own anger and irritation was decreased... he felt he was doing a good job.

A year ago, he fell in love with a lady he was trying to counsel... Religiously that relationship was against his belief... he tried a lot to suppress his feelings and that made him more angry and irritated on his entire life.

one day, he couldn't take the pressure, suffered a nervous breakdown... he cursed god for having made his life a living hell... since than everytime anyone would do something against his wish or expectation he would secretly insult god in his mind.

within a few weeks, he was spending sleepless nights and restless days...he developed a stress cycle, which started with battling the memories of the past, angry on his uncle... angry on his parents... guilty and self-criticizing for what he suffered... he would calm these down with words of god read from holy books... within a few minutes, his mind would start cursing god, for the religion he had, as it stopped him from living with the woman he loved.

Tony finally confided in a friend of his, who took him to a psychiatrist.

He was diagnosed with presence of a clinical level of obsessive compulsiveness triggered by a post-traumatic stress disorder.

He was suggested some medicines for the same.

within a few weeks, he regained 60% control on himself... over the next 3 months, he was completely fine.
There was a new him, and he had never been at such peace.
The psychiatrist had told him, that since his problem was more than 15yrs old it couldn't be cured in 1-2months, he might need to take just one tablet for probably 9-12months.

Seeing the great effects he was having, he decided to continue with the same.

5 months later he told his parents about his treatment and how it has helped him. They immediately made him stop all medications.. Took him to the priest and made him do "extra-worship" for the sins he has committed.

within a year, since Tony had not got a complete treatment done, he had a relapse.
There was again a nervous breakdown.
His parents stopped him from seeking professional help.
Hundred of Thousands of rupees were spent in Rituals suggested by astrologers and priests, but he didn't seem to improve.

One day he was so engrossed in his thoughts that while crossing the road he didn't realize when a bus hit him.

Today Tony is paralyzed neck below... and restless as ever... pleading for death!!

(based on a true case i have consulted)

your comments are most welcomed.

For personal consultation -

Dr.Hemant Mittal
(Psychiatrist and Counselor)

email – eksoch@gmail.com
website – www.mindmantra.in
address- 15, shreeji plaza, next to ice n spice restaurant, opposite seawoods station, seawoods (east)
Navi Mumbai