10 behaviors by Indian Women that destroy their relationships

I thank people for the emails and other positive feedback regarding my last post on "10 behavior by Indian Men that destroy their relationships".
Just as in the last post, hereby are 10 behavior patterns in the female gender that eventually can destroy a healthy relationship.

1. Limitless sarcasm: One thing that Indian Women are really well equipped is sarcasm.
Sarcasm can reach any level.
Most men fail to understand from were the taunts come, and women seem to never be short of them.
Sarcasm creates aversion to a female partner, making a male brain wanting to run away from the place.

2. Nagging - Nagging can be clinically defined as a repetitive behaviour constantly harassing someone.
I have seen many patients who have lost control on their nagging and it has become a personality disorder for them.

Nagging usually happens when the male partner is either in a very relaxed mood or a very irritated mood. In both conditions it impacts the subconscious brain to generate a very aversive and negative image about the female partner.
most common examples of nagging -

a. excessive negative comments, or "trying-to-prove wrong" attitude regarding actions of male partner.
b. withholding affection as punishment for petty fights that happened weeks or months ago.
c. picking fights for silly reasons
d. threatening to leave in case he does not fullfill her demands

3. "only my way" - Woman have different way to project their feeling of possessiveness.
One of the ways of the same is to want and change a man to do everything according to them.
Extreme Efforts to change their habits, taste of clothes, friends, people they talk to, way they behave in public, nightout with their friends etc...
in short change the over-all personality.

Initially men indulge just to satisfy their partners, but soon they start disliking it.
Lack of freedom or space to manifest their natural personality makes them irritated and angry.
Makes them sick and claustrophobic of the relationship. The relationship slowly psychologically dies in their mind.

4. Using Love as currency. - When love is given or reciprocated only on fulling certain actions, love stops being a feeling it becomes a currency.
its ironic...so many women put FB status of "feel loved" when their husband buy them an expensive holiday or an expensive garment or an expensive cell-phone... does it mean that rest of they days they don't feel the love?

Love is a feeling.
When it becomes conditional it becomes a currency.
And it gives way to negativity.
That day - love stops existing and a relationship becomes a business.

5. Its a secret don't tell anyone??? - Women when they talk among themselves are extremely expressive and graphic about what happens in their bedroom.
Specially with their close friends and family members, they tend to share more than the required information about their sexual life.
Women also love to discuss this "gossip" about their "Friends and family members" sexual life with their husband.

The gossip goes in a cycle and comes out in a destructive way.
I had a patient, he was having an erectile dysfunction due to performance stress. His wife told her best friend about it.
Her best friend told it too her husband.
Trying to be the great friend, her best friends husband went to my patient and started counseling him.
Not only did the poor guy feel extremely embarassed his anger against his wife came out in a very ugly way.


6. The Ex-Factor: - Women hate when their male partners talk about their ex-girlfriends/ ex-wife.
And they will throw temper tantrums if he dares to meet an ex-girlfriend.
But many themselves don't think twice before bringing in an ex-boyfriend or ex-husband into a conversation.
They fail to understand that Comparisons, personality differences and "fun-filled" memories with an ex are usually very difficult to digest for the current male.
When confronted with they same, they play the sympathy card -

"My husband/boyfriend should understand.. my ex is history.. I just want to share about him?"

Unfortunately it hurts the male ego more than women can expect.

7. Psychological Cheating - One of the major reasons for break-ups is psychological cheating.
Men can forgive anything, but not the fact that their woman is in "emotionally or physically connected with someone else".
Psychological cheating happens when a woman gives all her emotions to another man.
Her boyfriend/husband feels like "alice-in-wonderland" within the relationship.
Not only does he feel insecure, jealous and angry, but also fails to get a logical explanation for what's happening.

Woman tend to rationalize such relationships as - "he is just my friend, there is pure unconditional love between us, nothing physical.. just amazing sharing of emotions".

I'm Sorry to break the myth.. but thats utter bull-shit... because it does qualify as cheating.

I once had a male patient of severe depression. His girlfriend suddenly became "best friends" with a divorced man.
She spent all her time with this guy, making food and having "intellectually stimulating" conversations with him.
When it came to her boyfriend, she just felt he should understand.. poor guy couldn't take this "subtle selfish and emotional cheating" landing into depression.

8. Money Matter:- Always discussing about finances and making a man seem incapable to satisfy her needs, hurts the basic ego structure of a man.
It creates an inferiority complex, that leads to anger and irritation.
Also some woman who have more money than their male partners tend to flaunt their money.
A patient of mine married a rich girl. She would never care about the money spent and would always blame him for being "short sighted".
She always was confident her businessman family would provide them with all they needed.
the man couldn't take it.. and it lead him to extreme depression.

9. Only Talking - Good Communication is an essential ingredient for any successful relationship. Good communication means 50% talking and 50% listening.
Many woman come to a point were they are 90% talking and not even 10% listening.
Man have a lot to talk about, but need time, patience and space.
Man feel alienated in the relationship, as they cannot share their feelings or get any emotional exchange for the same.

10. Running away from problems - Women love to run away from problems.
They give the entire burden to a man, and wait for him to solve it.
When the man cannot solve them, they run away from the man.
Short-sightedness or lack of long term planning makes them impatient and immature.
so many woman who "proclaim to be mature" because they have experienced "emotional pain" in life.. they actually have developed the most immature way of handling situation - to run away.
This ways they not only destroy a relationship, but also can destroy the total personality of their boyfriends/husbands.

(This post based on true stories and cases I have treated as a psychiatrist/counselor/motivational speaker)

written by -

Dr.Hemant Mittal (MBBS, DPM, MD(mindmantra))
(Psychiatrist, Motivational Writer and Counselor)
email – eksoch@gmail.com
website – www.mindmantra.in
clinic address- 15, shreeji plaza, next to ice n spice restaurant, opposite seawoods station, seawoods (east)
Navi Mumbai

(feel free to send your questions/feedback through email)


Human Beings and frogs are the two creatures in nature who have tremendous power to adjust...

Put a frog in a vessel of water and start heating the water...

As the temperature of the water rises, the frog is able to adjust its body temperature accordingly...

The frog keeps on adjusting with increase in temperature...

Just when the water is about to reach boiling point, the frog is not able to adjust anymore...

At that point the frog decides to jump out...

The frog tries to jump but is unable to do so, because it lost all its strength in adjusting with the water temperature...

Very soon the frog dies. What killed the frog?

Many of us would say the boiling water...

But the truth is what killed the frog was its own inability to decide when it had to jump out...

Mind Mantra - We all need to adjust with people and situations, but we need to be sure when we need to adjust and when we need to confront / face...

There are times when we need to face the situation and take the appropriate action...

If we allow people to exploit us physically, mentally, emotionally or financially, they will continue to do so...

We have to decide when to jump...

Let us jump while we still have the strength.

Dr.Hemant Mittal

Have you heard of the Cockroach Theory for Self Development?

At a restaurant, a cockroach suddenly flew from somewhere and sat on a lady. She started screaming out of fear. With a panic stricken face and trembling voice, she started jumping, with both her hands desperately trying to get rid of the cockroach. Her reaction was contagious, as everyone in her group also got panicky.

The lady finally managed to push the cockroach away but ...it landed on another lady in the group.

Now, it was the turn of the other lady in the group to
continue the drama. The waiter rushed forward to their rescue.

In the relay of throwing, the cockroach next fell upon the waiter. The waiter stood firm, composed himself and observed the behavior of the cockroach on his shirt. When he was confident enough, he grabbed it with his fingers and threw it out of the restaurant.

Sipping my coffee and watching the amusement, the antenna of my mind picked up a few thoughts and started wondering, was the cockroach responsible for their histrionic behavior?
If so, then why was the waiter not disturbed?

He handled it near to perfection, without any chaos. It is not the cockroach, but the inability of the ladies to handle the disturbance caused by the cockroach that disturbed the ladies.

I realized that, it is not the shouting of my father or my boss or my wife that disturbs me, but it's my inability to handle the disturbances caused by their shouting that
disturbs me. It's not the traffic jams on the road that disturbs me, but my inability to handle the disturbance caused by the traffic jam that disturbs me.

More than the problem, it's my reaction to the problem that creates chaos in my life.

Mind Mantra:
Do not react in life. Always respond. The women reacted, whereas the waiter responded.

Reactions are always instinctive whereas responses are always well thought of, just and right to save a situation from going out of hands, to avoid cracks in relationship, to avoid taking decisions in anger, anxiety, stress or hurry.

Dr.Hemant Mittal

A glorious, happy and magical year is there for you!

Its time of the year, when most people are evaluating 2013.
Some are happy,
Some are neutral,
Some are sad.

Its time to Let go of this year.

Look at the new year as a lovely, magical and wonderful garment that will automatically mould your being into peace and happiness.

Thank 2013 for it has helped you evolve... but time to let it go.

Let go of those who cheated you.
Let go of those who have judged you,
Let go of the disappointments you have experienced.

Whenever you wear a new garment, do you ever first throw dirt on it?
Whenever you wear a new garment, don't you want it to enhance your personality and make you look good?

2014 is a new garment.. Embrace it with positivity.

All the disappointment,
All those who left you,
All those who hurt you,
You might not be able to forget.. you might not able to forgive.. you might be full of anger and resentment...
but take a few minutes out.. A few minutes that are just for you.
In those few minutes, see all of these experiences as one sent to enrich your nature, and to make you more human and sympathetic.

You never loose in life.. because the parameters of victory are dependent on your mind.

Give yourself few minutes where you are free from all parameters.

Be alive, from crown to toe.
Breathe deeply, filling every cell of the body.
And when you draw in long, full breaths, believe you are inhaling health, happiness, wisdom and success.

Alchemy isn't learning the secret of making gold from iron... its  understanding, accepting and embracing your own spirit and its limitless powers.

Think of yourself as on the threshold of unparalleled success.
A whole, clear, glorious year lies before you!
In a year you can regain health, fortune, restfulness, happiness!

Keep repeating the Mantra - A glorious, happy and magical year is there for you!

Dr.Hemant Mittal (psychiatrist and motivational writer)

Gratitude and Grace

Have you ever tried to pay someone a compliment and seen them embarrassed, confused, or even somewhat irked at your offering of kindness, love, and admiration?

Or maybe, you have been on the receiving end and found yourself uncomfortable and unable to respond with gratitude and grace.

This everyday example of the difficulties that can arise when we are offered a gift reveals one of the important principles of learning how to receive the abundance that the Universe holds for us.

In order to manifest, to take part in the process of co-creating your life and attracting to yourself the objects of your heart’s desires, you must know that you are worthy of receiving.

Manifesting involves using the power of your inner world to craft a fuller relationship with life.
You can remind yourself all day long that the same power that brought anything into the physical world also brought you, but if you do not feel worthy, you will disrupt the natural flow of energy into your life and create a blockage that makes manifestation impossible.

Remember that you are worthy of abundance. Feeling worthy of any blessings or desires is a feature of your inner life. Here are the major perceptions of those who know they are worthy and deserving of all of God’s blessings:

My self-esteem comes from myself. (As a child of God, my worthiness is a given.)

I accept myself without complaint and without conditions.

I take full responsibility for my life and what it is and is not. (I blame no one.)

I do not choose to accept guilt into my life. (I live in the present moment.)

I understand the importance of having harmony between my thoughts, my feelings, and my behavior. (This harmony translates into peace and contentment.)

There is nothing your highest self wants more than peace. This peace makes you feel worthy of all of the richest blessings of the Universe, and when you radiate this out into the world, it is returned to you without fail.

Happy Relationship - Right person or Right Chemistry?

Love is the king of all emotions.
Wanting to be in love makes you restless.
Feeling love makes you blessed.
Being in love makes you euphoric.

A perfect relationship is the marker of "perfect love" between 2 individuals.

The biggest myth people live in is that perfect relationship requires the perfect person.

Love is never about the right person but the right equation between two people.

As a psychiatrist and as an individual I have met many couples who are "perfect person" for each other, but eventually are never happy in a relationship.
Too much of perfection leads to restlessness... Restlessness leads to destruction of love.

When there is too much perfection, other try to poison it by finding or pin-pointing onto flaws that don't matter to those involved.
This eventually moves the focus away from love to flaws.. and eventually destroys the relationship.

Everyone wants a relationship that is healthy, caring, loving, kind, upbeat, and positive.
A relationship that makes you smile a little wider and brighter...

In the starting all relationships are like that.. but within months external influences and personal fears introduce restlessness.

Some sociopaths love to destroy relationships. They are mentally sick people who love to introduce negativity about each other.
They are never happy themselves and love to hijack the happiness of others.

The best protection against all forms of negativity is to focus on the "chemistry" or the "equation" .. the "sharing" in a relationship.

How does one create a perfect chemistry by making sure that relationship is based on -

1. Honesty
2. Freedom to talk on any topic
3. Loyalty towards partner
4. Mutual respect for each others work and personality
5. Spending not quantity time but quality time with each other.
6. Not taking the other person for granted.
7. Adjusting to things that hurt the other person.
8. Your differences are your, don't let a third person come in between.
He/she might be your best friend..but they will be biased.
9. There is a time to speak out and a time to remain silent.
True wisdom comes from knowing the difference. p.

10. Lastly but most important accepting your partner as whole.. as the one... no need of comparisons or improvements.


Dr.Hemant Mittal
(Psychiatrist and Motivational Writer/Speaker)


personal consultation-
address- Mind Mantra wellness clinic
Shop 15, shreeji plaza, next to ice n spice restaurant,
opposite seawoods station,
seawoods (east)
Navi Mumbai - 400706

Gambling addiction

Gambling addiction also known as compulsive gambling, may be a type of impulse-control disorder. 

Compulsive gamblers keep gambling whether they’re up or down, broke or flush, happy or depressed. 

Even when they know the odds are against them, even when they can’t afford to lose, people with a gambling addiction can’t “stay off the bet.” Problem and pathological gambling may affect anywhere from 2 to 4 percent of the population.

Persistent and recurrent maladaptive gambling behavior as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1. The person is preoccupied with gambling and has frequent thoughts about gambling experiences, handicapping or planning the next venture, or thinking of ways to get money with which to gamble, etc.

2. Similar to drug tolerance, the person needs to gamble with increasing amounts of money in order to achieve the desired excitement or “rush”

3. The person has made repeated unsuccessful efforts to control, cut back, or stop gambling

4. The person is restless or irritable when attempting to cut down or stop gambling

5. The person gambles as a way of escaping from problems or of relieving a dysphoric mood (e.g., feelings of helplessness, guilt, anxiety, depression)

6. After losing money gambling, the person often returns another day to get even (“chasing” one’s losses)

7. Lies to family members, therapist, or others to conceal the extent of involvement with gambling

8. The person has committed illegal acts such as forgery, fraud, theft, or embezzlement to finance gambling

9. The person has jeopardized or lost a significant relationship, job, or educational or career opportunity because of gambling

10. Relies on others, such as friends or family, to provide money to relieve a desperate financial situation caused by gambling

Dr.Hemant Mittal

SRK (Shahrukh Khan) - The bench and Success

I was reading through Shahrukh Khan's life story and there was a point where he mentioned - "I slept on a bench for a week and borrowed Rs.20/. everyday from a friend to travel to film city" 

I wondered how many people have drawn inspiration from that line and how many have not.

We live in a world were struggle is synonymous with success.
You start as a fresher, face a lot of difficulties, slowly climb the corporate ladder and one day feel you have achieved something.

But till you don't feel you have achieved something, you are struggling.

As a psychiatrist, I meet thousands of people every year, who are at the same mental frame as SRK must have been during that 1 week.

Everyone knows that SRK made it too the top but just try to think about a young delhi struggling actor, sleeping on a bench and with 20 borrowed rupees in his pocket.
He might have dreamt of making it big.. but at that very moment he might have thought of QUITTING!!

In such a scenario you can have hope.. but its very difficult to be positive.. Its very natural to feel frustrated and just quit.
Remember - 

Every successful man has thought of quitting at least for once.

Every successful man has lost his patience more than once.

Every successful man has failed more than once.

Every successful man has thought more about negativity than positivity.

Then how could they succeed... because they persevered with goal in mind.
Because in such moment,  perseverance, patience and acceptance of self helps fight the despair.

Whenever you feel low, feel the life is not worth it... 
Remember SRK... remember a young delhi actor who had nothing but hope...

keep faith and patience... and slowly things will fall into place.

because - "picture abhi baaki hai mere dost" :)


Dr.Hemant Mittal 
(Psychiatrist and Motivational Writer/Speaker)


personal consultation- 
address- Mind Mantra wellness clinic
Shop 15, shreeji plaza, next to ice n spice restaurant, 
opposite seawoods station, 
seawoods (east)
Navi Mumbai - 400706

Art of Negotiation - Donald Trump

1. Know what you’re doing. -  Sounds simple, but I’ve seen a lot of instances where I couldn’t believe how much the other side didn’t know. I immediately knew I could have a grand slam and fast, just based on their apparent lack of preparation. My father used to tell me, “Know everything you can about what you’re doing.” He was absolutely right, and I’m giving you the same advice. Follow it.

2. Remember, it takes a lot of smarts to play dumb. This is a good way to see how much your negotiating partners don’t know. It’s also a good way to see if they are bulldozing you.

3. Keep them a bit off balance. What they don’t know won’t hurt you, and that may help you down the line. Knowledge is power, so keep as much of it to yourself as possible.

4. Trust your instincts. There are a lot of situations that will not be black and white in negotiating, so go with your gut. Combine this with your homework and you’ll be ahead of the game.

5. Don’t be confined by expectations. There are no exact rules, and sometimes I’ve changed course in the middle of negotiations when something new has occurred to me. Remain flexible and open to new ideas, even when you think you know exactly what you want. This attitude has provided me with opportunities that I would not have thought about before.

6. Know when to say no. This has become instinct for me by now, but I think we all know when that buzzer goes off inside. Pay attention to that signal.

7. Be patient. I’ve waited for some deals for decades, and it was worth the wait. But make sure what you’re waiting for is worth it to begin with.

8. To speed up negotiations, be indifferent. That way you’ll find out if the other side is eager to proceed.

9. Remember that in the best negotiations, everyone wins. This is the ideal situation to strive for. You will also be laying the ground work for future business deals with people who know what integrity is.

In summing up, I can say that negotiation is an art. All the arts require discipline, technique, and a dose of imagination to take them beyond the realm of the ordinary. Don’t be an ordinary negotiator when you can be an extraordinary one. Devote time to this art and it can bring you enormous rewards.

Why most relationships fail

As a psychiatrist, when I counsel people for relationship issues, the 10 most common reasons why relations fail are -

1. Cannot Modify an expectation to fit a person, rather keep trying to find a perfect person to fit the expectation.

2. Solving one grudge at a time... Never solve all grudges together. This slowly builds more negativity.

3. Saving from "guilt" by saying things "indirectly" and "expecting the other to understand or comply".

4. Repeatedly asking the same question, just to satisfy a false self perception, leading to negativity in the other person -
"you seem sad today, tell me why?"
"you aren't eating well, tell me why?"
"you aren't talking to me, tell me why?"

5. Over-acting - People love to hype emotions and act them out.. leading to stupid behaviour patterns which are irrational, irritating and negative.
I come across cases of grown ups who would suddenly start behaving like a 10yr old kid to show love or just push to get some work done.
Parents raising their hand on adult children, to show their anger.
Parents faking heart attacks.
Spouses putting blame on each other for events that don't even involve them.

6.  Waiting for finding the Best Person or Best time to get work done!!!
who knows, that time might never come... or just getting frustrated till that time comes.
I have treated hundreds with severe depression, who kept living years in hope.. and got more and more depressed with every day that passed by.

7. Scared of being alone, makes one confuse love with possessiveness.
Possessive leads to increased need for control, eventually creating extreme negativity.
Extreme fear is one condition in which the brain looses its capacity to think and concentrate. Everyday I counsel such individuals who reached that state because of uncontrolled possessiveness.

8. The 80/20 rule. - Most people spend 80% of their energy to get not even 20% appreciation from others.
If you could control your mindset and not spend even 20% of your energy on the same...80% of peace of mind would follow you.

9. Everyone is an emotional businessman - Everyone looks for "return on investment". Hence if you invested money, time or emotion on someone, you will naturally expect a return on that investment.
Similarly those who invested in you, will expect from you.

Expectations is a never ending game... - Its impossible to fulfill everyone expectations.

10. Responsibility - No one wants to take responsibility.
Everyone loves to push the responsibility onto others. Because just like a small child, everyone is scared to be called wrong.


Dr.Hemant Mittal (Psychiatrist and Motivational Writer/Speaker)


personal consultation-
address- Mind Mantra wellness clinic
Shop 15, shreeji plaza, next to ice n spice restaurant,
opposite seawoods station,
seawoods (east)
Navi Mumbai - 400706

Helping and Loving don't know quantity only quality.

Tony was walking along a beach. It was a beautiful day.
He suddenly noticed his friend John, going back and forth the length of the beach.
He wondered why was he doing so.
As he approched John, he found that there were hundreds of starfish stranded on the sand as the result of the natural action of the tide.

It was obvious that the sun would kill most of those star fish.
John seemed to be stuck in a mindless battle of picking up one star fish at a time and throwing into the sea.
There were far too many starfish. Many of them were sure to perish.

John calmly kept doing the task of picking up starfish one by one and throwing them into the surf.

Tony shouted upon John: "Have you gone crazy??
Tens of Km's of the beach is covered with starfish."

.. a gasp of breath.. and another shout -
"don't you see they will die. Don't you see that if you throw one into the water, it might be washed back to the shore?
You cannot possibly make any difference, you idiot!!!"

John calmly looked at him. He then stooped down and pick up one more starfish and threw it back into the ocean and said:
"Maybe it will make make difference to this one!"

MIND MANTRA - A few days ago the relative of a adolescent patient of mine came into my clinic and started venting out his anger.
"I am done with her. She doesn't listen to me. I have tried my best to explain her. I have pleaded, I have slapped her, I have insulted her, but she doesn't listen.
I am a teacher, all my students and their parents love me, I counsel them, I help them.. .but I cannot do that with my daughter.. Why so?

Sadly people confuse ego with spreading love or positivity.
Most people feel good that others listen to them... That fuels their ego. They feel important.

Spreading love or positivity is not about feeling good how many people praise you... Spreading love or positivity is an unconditional act were you try to bring change without expecting the result.


Dr.Hemant Mittal
(Psychiatrist and Motivational Writer/Speaker)


personal consultation-
address- Mind Mantra wellness clinic
Shop 15, shreeji plaza, next to ice n spice restaurant,
opposite seawoods station,
seawoods (east)
Navi Mumbai - 400706

The Mouse Trap

A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife open a package. "What food might this contain?" the mouse wondered. He was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap.

Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning: "There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!"

The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said "Mr.Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern to you, but it is of no consequence to me. I cannot be bothered by it."

The mouse turned to the pig and told him "There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!" The pig sympathized, but said "I am so very sorry, Mr.Mouse, but there is nothing I can do about it but pray. Be assured you are in my prayers."

The mouse turned to the cow and said "There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!" The cow said "Wow, Mr. Mouse. I'm sorry for you, but it's no skin off my nose."

So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face the farmer's mousetrap alone.

That very night a sound was heard throughout the house - like the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey. The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught. In the darkness, she did not see it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught. The snake bit the farmer's wife. The farmer rushed her to the hospital and she returned home with a fever.

Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup's main ingredient. But his wife's sickness continued, so friends and neighbors came to sit with her around the clock. To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig. The farmer's wife did not get well; she died. So many! people came for her funeral, the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them.

The mouse looked upon it all from his crack in the wall with great sadness. 

(motivational story forwarded by email)

MIND MANTRA - Next time you hear someone is facing a problem and you think it doesn't concern you, remember this story.

Helping others unconditionally is a way of helping ourselves.
Erasing negativity from others life is a way to keep positivity in your life.


Dr.Hemant Mittal 
(Psychiatrist and Motivational Writer/Speaker)


personal consultation- 
address- Mind Mantra wellness clinic
Shop 15, shreeji plaza, next to ice n spice restaurant, 
opposite seawoods station, 
seawoods (east)
Navi Mumbai - 400706

To be a mother or Not

Recently a very highly placed friend of mine invited me to his son's 1yr birthday party.
It was a lavish and fun-fare.
Kids running all around, loads of balloons, some performing artists, dance and music decorated the festive environment.

The unsaid rule in most such parties is that a group of males take up one corner from where they operate.
While they are talking, eating and drinking their darling better-half's come one by one with supply of some food and some fresh gossip.

Since another of my friend was the ring leader, I was immediately dragged to this corner... Not very fond of eating, drinking or gossip I got to take the role of a silent observer.
Such parties are an psychological feast... Everyone is showing off or trying to be something they are not.

The most enjoyable moments are to observer how Women who visibly disliked each other, interact like long lost friends.

Just like a pack of Perfect actors working on the same script and delivering a well orchestrated performance.
But then there is one place where this failed... There was one lady who walked as if she owned the place.
Satisfied in her own self, she had deep eyes full of honesty which made every man and woman uncomfortable.
She was at peace being herself. There was no acting, there was no show-off.

Everyone wondered who she was?
One of the gossip suppliers came forward to quench the desire of inquisitiveness. She is Maria, married and childless.

The word "childless" triggered a whole range of emotions from the entire group.
Some men sympathized and showed pity towards her.
others thought of it as a "modern out look" as she must be career oriented.
while their wife's felt she was leading a "tough" life not full-filling motherhood.

I couldn't help but smile at their reactions.
The Indian Society still lives by time-tables set more than 2000 years ago.
These time-tables are slapped onto a child the moment he/she is born.
Its the unsaid burden each child is born under.
One of foremost tasks in the female list too become a mother by 30.

Indians are tunnel-visioned about motherhood, I have even heard learned people uttering nonsense like "a girl becomes a woman only after she becomes a mother".
another utter idiocy is considering that motherhood is selflessness.
Over years of counselling women under-going infertility treatments I have come to understand a lot about the deep female psyche which Indian male and Indian society would like to keep quiet about.

1. Not every woman is psychologically made upto be a mother.
Not being a mother doesn't mean a woman is selfish,

2. Many woman bring a child into the world for all the wrong reasons -
a. to save their failing marriage
b. to have someone to take care for them in old-age.
c. because all their friends have children
d. because they just didn't have the guts to tell their husband to use a condom. or use contraception them-self.

3. woman who are not natural mothers, tend to give less love to a child and use him in their favour -
a. the lack of emotions they get from husband/family is seeked from the child.
This makes them very insecure, worried and controlling of the child.
b. the child is used as a weapon to get social recognition, to get more control within a family.
c. blame and induce guilt within the child for restricting their professional and personal life.
d. the child is made to depend on the mother, with a negative impression being created about the father or any other family member.

4. Natural mothers have the gift of giving. They unconditionally give.
They might have their own child,
They might adopt a child,
or they might be with hundreds of children...
They naturally give love. Children are automatically attracted to them.

Ask your questions - 

Dr.Hemant Mittal 
(Psychiatrist,Motivational Writer/Speaker and Counselor)

Online - 
email - eksoch@gmail.com
website - http://mindmantra.in/services.html

personal consultation- 
address- Mind Mantra wellness clinic
Shop 15, shreeji plaza, next to ice n spice restaurant, 
opposite seawoods station, 
seawoods (east)
Navi Mumbai - 400706

Finding happiness

Maslow said that happiness or success are based on mental attitudes... Someone who is satisfied in his needs will automatically move towards ultimate happiness.

The definition of needs is rather personal... As some might be happy in have 2 meals a day.. while others might be unhappy with the most expensive cars.

Hence evolution and continuity of in the happiness scale is dependant on acceptance of the decisions that one makes right now.

If you make a decision based on doubt, your future happiness will be in doubt.

If you make a decision accepting any future consequences, happiness will be part of you irrespective of the outcome.

Finding peace and happiness in this moment is not difficult.

Listen to your favourite song!

eat your favourite food!!

talk to your favourite friend!

Go out for a jog!

A long drive with the person you love!

But long lasting happiness depends on your attitude towards conflicts and problems in life.
Most people have the wrong attitude whereby they "wish and desire" to get rid of all conflicts and problems!!

The wish never comes true as the mind will always find some fault somewhere and they end up living in sadness.

The right attitude is to accept problems and conflicts as a part of the continuity called life. You can only try to raise above them but you cannot get rid of them.

Acceptance that at this very moment you are doing your very best within your nature to shape up the future meant for you is essential motivator to make you work more progressively tomorrow.

Dr.Hemant Mittal

Nobody can take anything away from you... Until you don't allow them!!!

Counselling a victim of Sexual abuse is one of the toughest and probably most draining exercises a counselor has to go through.

Over the years, I have been meeting an increasing number of such victims.

Its so nasty but the very Family, Culture and Social laws that we talk are used as a shield to sexually abuse young boys and girls.

The highest number of sexual abuse cases happen within family or closed community.

Maria had been sexually abused by her fathers younger brother, at the age of 14.
She grew up with lot of resentment and anger against the society. Since the fear of social rules never allowed her to openly talk about this to her parents, she kept it all in her heart.
She became a wild child. Only cared about her own happiness. She took to alcohol, smoking and highly sexual behavior. 
She broke the heart of many guys, without no reason. One even attempted suicide, to which she laughed on his face.
At 26yr she met John. 

He was total opposite of what any other guy was. 
John was always helping others, doing small odd jobs at NGO's on weekends, always smiling even in the worst of conditions... least interested on what others thought or commented about it.
He gave everyone a lot of space...
He was happy and innocent like a child.. finding happiness in the smallest of things..

She initially hated him... she envied him... she completely disliked a guy who was so happy.
She secretly wanted to destroy him.. wanted him to suffer.

She tried all her "tricks" to "trap" him, but this guy seemed much beyond her. 
One day after a party, in a drunk state Maria tried to sexually entice John. She was shocked to see him reject her.
She had been rejected before, but there was something about John which gave her a lot of guilt.

Next evening she met John and apologised for her behavior. Like a small child, John just laughed it away and continued being happy.

Somehow Maria didn't want to leave John that day. She suddenly felt a sense of security with him. 
She had never felt such with any man.

She asked him, if they could go for a walk before he drops her home... 

While walking down Marine Drive, she broke down and cried... first time in her life, instinctively without conscious control she told someone what had happened with her in childhood.

John stood smiling... and said - "All these years you have been fighting men and fighting yourself".

Maria replied - "John I don't know why I told you this... you can judge me as you want... you can call me a whore because I know no one can understand me??"

John said - "My parents were very poor... they asked an uncle of mine to take care of me when i was 11.
I was sexually abused for the first time at 12. It was a servant in that house who did it.
Then it was that uncle... than it was one of his friends... whenever they would have drinks... they would take turns on me..
This continued till 16...when I finally mastered courage to run away from that house."

Maria was shocked... As John spoke all this in a monotone, with no emotions...

John continued - "for a long time I thought of myself as dirty unworthy human being... I always sought an explanation why this happened to me...
once I thought it was my previous life karma haunting me.
then I thought this is a lesson from the universe, for something great is waiting for me.
then I thought those who had done this too me will rot in hell."

he took a small pause - 

"Then one day I met this fakir... I was having a smoke, when he suddenly begged me for a cigarette... Apprehensive I initially shunned him.. but he kept pestering me, till I gave him one... Then he asked me to light it up.."

with a shine in his eyes... he said - 
"Imagine I am standing next to my office, having a smoke... giving a cigarette to a fakir... and then I am also lighting it up for him... I thought I had lost it.."


"After the first drag... In the most soft and beautiful voice he said - Remember Nobody can take away anything for you, till you don't give it.

You gave me this cigarette because your peace of mind is in giving.. You don't like to fight for things.
If your peace of mind was in fighting for things, you would have never given me a cigarette.

Pain makes you question your actions... 
Makes you question yourself.

Just like this cigarette... Nobody can take your pain away but yourself.
Your pain can only leave you, when you exchange it for happiness. 
You were initially apprehensive of this fakir.
you were full in thought about yourself.
so giving a cigarette was tough for you.
when you finally let loose of yourself, gave it too me.. you felt I am no longer pestering you... for a few seconds you felt happy and free... only to return to your thoughts.
Do those actions that give you happiness... and slowly pain will disappear".

Maria looked at John... with tears flowing down her cheeks... She knew she couldn't go back in time and change things.. but she could stop calling herself names... stop thinking of herself as lesser than anyone... stop taking the pain.

written by - 
Dr.Hemant Mittal 

(based on true events recollected from hundreds of patients of sexual abuse I have met, and how many of them are today great source of motivation)

Marriages in India- a social obligation?

written by Japleen Pasricha

Why does young India get married? Or to be more precise,
why does young educated urban/sub-urban India get married?
The ideal answer(s) to this question would be:

Because they have found the love of their lives,
that person is the one for them,
they want to wake up every morning next to them,
they cannot imagine their lives without them,
they want to spend the rest of their lives with them,
they want to grow old with them.

(Okay, sorry! Too much mushiness happening here!)

But hey, we are talking about India, aren’t we? So who is this young India? Let’s define them first:
we are the young Indians, we go to collge, we complete university, we have fancy degrees like B.tech/M.tech and MBAs from even fancier institutes like the IITs and IIMs. Some of us even have foreign degress, you see imported maal is always good. We work in big multinationals and banks and what not. Our dear young India is very modern, you see. We only talk in English, drink black coffee, strictly use Apple products (hey don’t you dare, Steve Jobs is our God), we eat in high-end cafes and loung bars and we mingle with all sorts of people, men and women alike. We are very open-minded, you see. But we also don’t forget that we, at the end, are Indians. We should never forget our sanskars. So when it comes to finding “the one” for us, we turn to our mommys and papas. Because we respect our elders and we trust their choices, even blindly.

So besides these (obvious) reasons what are the other ones that make young Indians take the big step? Let’s list down some of them.

-My parents think I should get married.
-It is high time, I should settle down, get married and have a couple of kids.
-The society expects this of me.
-Getting married is a social duty.
-If I don’t get married how will my family grow, and most importantly the heir who will carry on my name.
-I want a big fat dowry.
-It is beneficial for my business
-I want to have sex, unlimited sex.
-I am now in the marriageable age (or what that even means)
-My friends and cousins are getting married.
-I have a few grey hair now, better get married than sorry.
-After a degree in engineering, an MBA and a job as an investment banker, I am earning enough to settle down.
-Ooohh, I have always dreamt of getting married, and all my girlfriends are already hooked up. So it’s only fair that I should be too.
-Arranged marriages- because that’s how we roll.
-Because I don’t know how to talk to women, better mommy finds me one.
-Because I never talked to guys, and of course mommy knows the best.
-Because “log kya kahenge” (mind you, this is one of the epic ones..)

(My head might crack up but the list will go on and on. So I better stop here.)

Young India has a truck load of pretty good reasons to tie the knot. Mind you, they all are very rational and logical. You see, the young India strives for perfection.
And what is perfection without a fair, homely convent-educated girl or a teetotaler boy from a decent family based in the USA/UK with a handsome package. What else does one need?
The young India follows it’s timetable very sternly and marriage is of course a part of the timetable. Then comes the kids and after that we all know how life goes on.

How does young India contribute to the society?
By getting married, which is very important.
It is almost a social obligation. And you HAVE TO get married, no choice bro!
Doesn’t matter if you are ready or not,
doesn’t matter if you know, let alone love the person, you have to get married.
Because it is the right thing to do.
And who told you that?
Of course your mommy and papa and they know the best. And who told them?
Of course their mommy and papa.

Hence it goes on, without any one ever questioning the mommy and papa that why is it so important to get married.
It is a tradition, a ritual which has been passed down generations and young India doesn’t dare to raise an eyebrow (well, at least the majority doesn’t).
Because you see, we are Indians and we don’t argue back with our elders. And we are very much better off than the West, where relationships are weak and divorce rates are high. Chi! We are so much better!
Although we do ignore the fact that we have a low divorce rate because divorce is still a taboo in our country or domestic violence is rampant or many women are not financially independent or the parents don’t accept their daughters back at their homes and many more such archaic excuses.
We only care what the statistics say. And numbers speak louder than real situations, of course. So 10 : 1 and we won. Bohoo West!

We are the young Indians and we are proud of it. Although even after having white-collared jobs -
we expect a large dowry and also want the woman to leave her home, her family and everything and come and live with us.
Our parents should become her parents and our family should become her family.
Because that’s the way it has been, isnt’ it? And who questions such traditions? Tauba Tauba, not we!
We are the cultured young India. We havn’t forgotten our values. So our wives come and live with us and our families and take our name, and wear ridiculous symbols to shout to the world that they are married (even if they don’t like to, they must).
Then our kids take our names and we become their first guradians. And so with kids we fulfill our duty to the society. We have given them the future of India who will make India a better place to live in (hopefully).

And that’s how my dears we make marriage a social obligation, because this is our happy land and to reach the happy land what do we do? Yes, you guessed it right. We get married!

MIND MANTRA - I congratulate the author japleen pasricha for such a good article.. It has spoken what the mind of many literate young indians speak..before they are coaxed into marriage..
Marriage is a beautiful institution...but ITS TIME TO ACCEPT IT... ITS NOT MEANT FOR EVERYONE... SOME OF US ARE MEANT TO BE FREE!!

As a psychiatrist I meet so many people suffering from Depression, anxiety and post-traumatic stress due to a bad or failed marriage...
so many people who have given up on their dreams for marriage...
so many people who look at their children to do things they couldn't..


Dr.Hemant Mittal

The Creative Personality - Ten paradoxical traits of the creative persona

By Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi

Of all human activities, creativity comes closest to providing the fulfillment we all hope to get in our lives. Call it full-blast living.

Creativity is a central source of meaning in our lives. Most of the things that are interesting, important, and human are the result of creativity.

Language, values, artistic expression, scientific understanding, and technology-- are the result of creative power.

When we're creative, we feel we are living more fully than during the rest of life. The excitement of the artist at the easel or the scientist in the lab comes dose to the ideal fulfillment we all hope to get from life, and so rarely do.

Creative individuals are remarkable for their ability to adapt to almost any situation and to make do with whatever is at hand to reach their goals.

If I had to express in one word what makes their personalities different from others, it's complexity.

They show tendencies of thought and action that in most people are segregated. They contain contradictory extremes; instead of being an "individual," each of them is a "multitude."

Here are the 10 antithetical traits often present in creative people that are integrated with each other in a dialectical tension.

1. Creative people have a great deal of physical energy, but they're also often quiet and at rest.

They work long hours, with great concentration, while projecting an aura of freshness and enthusiasm. It seems that their energy is internally generated, due more to their focused minds.

This does not mean that creative people are hyperactive.
In fact, they rest often and sleep a lot.

The important thing is that they control their energy. It's not ruled by an external schedule. They consider the rhythm of activity followed by idleness or reflection very important for the success of their work.

2. Creative people can be Highly sexual, yet often celibate.
They seem to have quite a strong dose of libidinal energy, which some express directly into sexuality.

At the same time, specially when they are working, they can maintain a stage of celibacy for years.

3. Creative people tend to be smart yet naive at the same time.
A certain immaturity, emotional, social and mental, can go hand in hand with deepest insights. An example of the same is Mozart.

Creative People are experts at using two opposite ways of thinking: the convergent and the divergent.
In Convergent thinking involves solving well-defined, rational problems that have one correct answer.

Divergent thinking leads to no agreed-upon solution. It involves fluency, or the ability to generate a great quantity of ideas; flexibility, or the ability to switch from one perspective to another; and originality in picking unusual associations of ideas.

What matters is the dimensions when these ways of thinking is used.

4. Creative people combine playfulness and discipline, or responsibility and irresponsibility.
There is no question that a playfully light attitude is typical of creative individuals. But this playfulness doesn't go very far without its antithesis, a quality of doggedness, endurance, perseverance.

5. Creative people alternate between imagination and fantasy, and a rooted sense of reality.
Great art and great science involve a leap of imagination into a world that is different from the present. The rest of society often views these new ideas. as fantasies without relevance to current reality.

What makes a novel idea creative is that once we see it, sooner or later we recognize that, strange as it is, it is true.

6. Creative people trend to be both extrovert and introvert.
We're usually one or the other, either preferring to be in the thick of crowds or sitting on the sidelines.

Creative individuals, on the other hand, seem to exhibit both traits simultaneously. They can be extremely extrovert in areas of their expertise and extremely introvert in other areas.

7. Creative people are humble and proud at the same time.
It is remarkable to meet a famous person who you expect to be arrogant only to encounter self-deprecation and shyness instead. Yet there are good reasons why this should be so.

These individuals are well aware were they stand. Their mind makes them aware of the long line of previous events leading to current post. Hence they can be extremely humble in situations where they are praised.

At the same time, they know have accomplished a great deal. And take to pride, specially when someone disrespects their thought process.

8. Creative people are both rebellious and conservative.

It is impossible to be creative without having first internalized an area of culture/knowledge.

Most people follow a single thought process they are either traditional/conservative or rebellious...

Creative people can internalize both attitude and use the ones that they feel right in a situation.

"The idea to create something is not the aim. To be different is a negative motive, and no creative thought or created thing grows out of a negative impulse. A negative impulse is always frustrating. The need is to break out of tradition and express yourself in the most positive way possible".

Hence creative people have the willingness to take risks, to break with the safety net of tradition for their emotional freedom.

9. Most creative people are very passionate about their work, yet they can be extremely objective about it as well.

When creating, creative personality are so passionate and involved in the work that they flow in the moment.

Unlike most people, soon they detach and move away from that moment.

Thats when they become very objective and critical of the work created.

This trait gives them the capacity to forget bad memories very fast, become critical about it and enjoy the present much more.

10. Creative people's openness and sensitivity often exposes them to suffering and pain, yet also to a great deal of enjoyment.

Creative expression is everything for them. But because people cannot understand that, they find themselves more than often alone. This exposes their vulnerability.

They value work in terms of energy spent on it. So even the smallest of work might be extremely dear to them.
Extreme criticism of their work makes them feel alienated. They might fail to understand why people cannot appreciate the energy they have put into it.
Lack of appreciation, specially from "important people" make them feel they are loosing on their creative quality.
This leads to feeling misunderstood, trying to adjust to popular requirement, sense of emptiness and sadness, extreme restlessness and addictions.

Perhaps the most important quality, the one that is most consistently present in all creative individuals, is the ability to enjoy the process of creation. It gives them extreme joy that no money can ever buy.

Dr.Hemant Mittal