Marriage is a sacrosanct social exercise which a majority of men and women dream, fantasize and yearn for since adolescence.
Even while most only realize this 6months or a year into it, it’s probably the most demanding event in an individual’s life, with the highest level of emotional, physical and psychological adjustments at both personal and professional levels.
One essential and extremely difficult adjustment that both partners need to make is that of detachment from their parents and start independent decision making based on mutual communication.
This step is essential for any couple that looks to develop a healthy, loving and long-lasting relationship.
A personality trait popularly called as “mama’s boy or mothers boy”, when present in the male partner, can become one of the most difficult hurdles in developing a healthy and loving relationship.
Most women love and want their soul mate to be respectful and caring about his mother. This automatically showcases a sense of respect, understand and care towards women. But when a man isn’t able to break his emotional and psychological dependency from his mother he is labelled as “mama’s boy”.
Once triggered, aversion to this “Mama’s boy” or “mother’s boy” trait has the potency to grow into an emotional cancer that creates extreme negativism, psychological sadness and physical barriers against her mate.
Speaking in context of the Indian society, most men are extremely scared of giving up their “Macho” image. They are terrified of being labelled as “imperfect”. While majority accept this “mama’s boy” trait, their fear of being labelled imperfect compels them to completely deny it.
A delusional level of need to give respect and love to their mothers is used as an emotional umbrella to guard themselves from the responsibility of independent decision making away from their mother’s ideas.
Over the years I have met hundreds of couples who have been secretly fighting a losing battle against this relationship-destroying problem.
Some essentials psychological pointers regarding this topic -
1. Hero Figure
In psychological context Men are extremely simple beings. Especially Indian men, the great majority share the same criteria while choosing a life partner. She should be a beautiful, understanding and well educated woman.
This is as simple as a 3yr old going to a candy shop and saying “I want something sweet”.
Women are a little more detailed in their approach. Indian patriarchal society subjects a vast majority of them to regular taunts like “weaker sex” or “paraya dan i.e. another man’s property”. This subconsciously creates a victim psychology whereby they look in for a Hero figure or saviour in their male partners. Such a man has the following minimums,
a. the mental strength to solve situations,
b. the power to protect her,
c. and the masculinity to satisfy her emotionally, financially and physically.
A “mama’s boy” personality trait instantly destroys this image. Slowly her subconscious get detached from conscious control, and it starts perceiving the man as an emotionally weak person who needs the support of an elderly lady.
It’s the law of nature that the strong are preferred to the weak. So with every mental comparison between her mate and her female friend’s husbands, movie characters, or even unknown couples on the road, the image of “my husband is a spineless” starts overtaking the psyche, leading to an emotional and physically drift from him.
2. Competition
Thou this is a social practice and can be extensively debated upon. At the time of marriage most women sacrifice their “20 plus years old comfort zone” to enter a new unknown house a.k.a “unknown environment”.
Within most women, the act of engagement automatically starts a subconscious list called “sacrifices made for this marriage”. The list grows very slowly till the day of marriage. Within a few hours of Marriage, there is a data-overload within this list. Every single step is noted down as a sacrifice.
From leaving her comfort zone behind, to physical and emotional surrender to a new family and its way of living, to emotionally caring for a new group of people, all these adjustments are supposed to be made within hours.
Newton’s third law of nature tells us “that for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction”
While the naive society expects women to whole heartedly accept this self-sacrifice, the human subconscious mind is governed by laws of nature.
With every new entry in the list, like sexual surrender, bearing a child, and even changing her belief system, her subconscious demands something in return.
In accordance with social laws, the most common subconscious demand is for complete physical and emotional control of the new environment. That’s only then that acceptance comes in, creating the happiness image of this is “my house”, this is “my husband” and this is “my family”
The moment a man starts putting his mother before his wife her subconscious mind gets restless. The list of sacrifices starts flashing back before her eyes in the form of old memories. As the fear increases, the irritation and anger increases.
Irritation and anger leads to fight between the two ladies, between the husband-wife, excessive anger on children, household help, etc.
3. Mental Fixation
If looked into origin of “Mama’s boy” personality trait, it’s classical to find that they are men who have been excessively pampered by their mother.
Such is the unnecessary pampering in the name of “love”, that such men have a high dependency of sharing and seeking their mothers help in many of their personal, professional and private issues.
This creates a mental image whereby the mother is only figure who will always stands by them no matter what others say.
The moment such man get married it’s extremely difficult for both mother and son to break this mental fixation and let a new relationship take decisions.
In extreme cases of dependency, the fear of breaking this bond can unconsciously lead both of them to perpetuate emotional and physical torture on this new lady within their life.
Creating an extreme sense of worthlessness and hopelessness for her.
4. No privacy
The most important cementing issue within a couple is their ability to share their deepest financial, emotional and physical secrets.
Vibhishan (brother of Ravan) from the Hindu epic Ramayana, even while all actions were in good faith to help Lord Ram in the triumph of good over evil, is still labelled as the biggest traitor of all times.
When a “Mama’s boy” opens up his bedroom talk or his wife’s deep secrets to his mother, even if done in good faith, her subconscious mind labels him as “vibishan” – an untrustable traitor. The feeling of betrayal one set clouds all intentions behind the action and destroys rational thinking.
A patient of mine divorced her ex-husband because of this. She was extremely embarrassed when she realized her husband was leaking intimate details to her mother-in-law. She was shocked at her mother-in-laws very timely opinions on what under-garments she should buy, how she should never deny sex to her husband and the astrological significance of a birth-mark she had at a private place.
Least to say, she felt publically humiliated. Surprisingly when I spoke to her husband, he felt ignorant about all “women” issues and took to his mother as a guide for the same.
5. Where does the Mama’s boy Syndrome lead to -
The easiest way to battle a mama’s boy syndrome is to realize that you have it, and to try and maintain equal love and respect to your wife and mother.
Now obviously this statement does fall into the “easier said than done” category.
In the last 15yrs, there has been a vertical shift within the Indian society. Women have become both emotional and financially independent.
A “mama’s boy” syndrome is known to be major trigger for 3 events,
a. The wife continues living in a sad, unhealthy relationship developing clinical levels of depression that can even lead to suicidal ideas and require treatment.
b. The wife drifts emotionally and physically from the husband. She can start searching for the same outside wedlock. While husband is only seen as a financial provider.
c. The wife files for divorce and moves along with her life. An option being increasingly exercised in India.
6. Solutions-
A. Identify if you have Mama’s boy syndrome.
Most men who have it know it, others need some friends or family to identify it for them.
B. Solutions to Mama’s boy syndrome:
a. Understanding what marriage/relationship means
b. The importance of your wife in your life
c. Amount of dedication you need to give
d. Standing up to your mother- this is not dis-respect but a demand for independence. Initially pain staking but later on very fulfilling for both mother and son
e. Start effective communication between you and your wife. Lay down some ground rules and slowly build up from there onwards.
f. Get mental peace – if just seeing negativity all around, that consult a professional to help you
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Dr.Hemant MittaL
Motivational Speaker - Mind-Body Healer
(MBBS, PG.DPM, M.D.(Mind Mantra Wellness Concepts - Mumbai))
(Specialize in Emotional, Behavioural, Sleep, Memory, Concentration and Sexual Health)
(www.mindmantra.in)
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