The Cheating Wife/Girl-Friend

It's Valentines Eve and many would question why am I writing on such a topic, instead of praising the Power of Love.
The Answer dear reader is because the Love doesn't flourish without Trust.

Yesterday I read an article in Times of India, Mumbai where city husbands/boyfriends are shelling upto Rs.30,000/day on Private Detectives to know whether their wife's/girlfriends are cheating upon them. The  private detectives in this article confirmed that 70% of such suspicions really turned out to be true.

As a neuro-psychiatrist and behavioral-emotional counselor at the Mind Mantra Wellness Clinic, every week I get tens of male clients suffering from deep clinical depression and severe stress, because they suspect their wife/girl-friend to be involved in a "physical or emotional" relationship with someone else. 

Over the last one year, the number of such cases has increased alarming. I can agree with the private detectives that upto 70% of such cases don't happen because of a "mental" disorder but because their is "factual" truth to support it.

What's even more interesting is that the number of female clients approaching me for help, who actually are involved in such behavior pattern has also gone up. Why do they consult me?
a. I ain't a priest who is going to judge them as good or bad. I am a professional doctor looking to help them battle emotional issues. 
b. Many of them enjoy living this "split personality", but are loaded with the need to vent out their "achievements" without being labelled with names.
c. Many harbor a guilt that needs to be cured.
d. Many just don't know how they landed into such situations and are battling depression at various levels.

If I was to sit and think about 5 of the commonest scenarios where "extra-marital" relationships or "out-of-relationship" emotional/physical dependency develops in cases of wives or girl-friends, then these  would be it:

1. Comforting Shoulder-  Relationships seldom go the "happily ever after" way. When emotional turmoil arises in a relationship, most women seek the advice of close female friends. In case their advice fails, they find themselves helpless. In such time an best male friend, ex-lover or a very close male office colleague can suddenly become the "knight in shinning armor".. Most such relationships start just as a good way of "sharing" each others emotional trauma, and a "platonic" tag is attached to them. The emotional dependency slowly increases to such level, that very soon the comforting shoulder becomes a bed-mate.
This kind of relationships can be equated to playing with fire. Once sexual interactions have been established, it takes time before one of the partner develops extreme possessiveness. This creates a psychological earthquake within the subconscious which manifests as extreme restlessness, stress, anxiety and in many cases suicidal ideas. 

A classical example of this was recently shown in the movie Rockstar. Whereby the heroine indulges in emotional and physical closeness with an ex-lover.

Women who are "Selfish" enough to know what they "want" from each relationships, are successfully in living this dual personality.

2. Need for Power/Control - A common denominator in both men and women is ego. Ego expression is extremely important. Women who are continuously suppressed by husbands/boyfriends lack the expression of their ego. They very well know they cann't leave or divorce their husbands/boyfriends, but at the same time have no control or power in their relationship. They feel worthless at emotional and physical levels. 

In such case woman looks to be in "out of wedlock" relationship with a man she can control.The commonest examples of the same are drivers or gym instructors or children tutors. A relationship where she is the queen and the male their slave.

Such are short lived relationships. Mostly for physical pleasure. Both parties shortly move to look for another partners soon. 
The need for sex can trigger a sexual addiction in many of such scenarios.

The most famous example of this was Princess Diana who was involved with a horse-riding instructor of hers.

3. Neighbour / Husbands Friend - Woman are not always cougar. They are not launching themselves onto men. In many cases its men who drive them to actions.
Male neighbours or husband's/family friends are people who have easy accessibility to the household. They have a fair idea of the relationship status and also a certain comfort level with the husband. 
If a man has sight on certain "gains" from such interactions, its not long before he can convince the woman to become emotionally dependent on him or get physically involved with him.
Many men take advantage of the sadness, loneliness, lack of communication or anger a wife/girl-friend might have against her mate.
We love to play blind to this fact, but its been such a relationship issue that even various religions have all mentioned about the same. One of the most direct ones is the 10 commandments which states  "you shall not covet your neightbors wife". 

Such relationships are also very short lived. Mostly they leave a woman with a lot of guilt and depression. As she feels manipulated into committing acts against her husband/boy-friend. 

4. Younger Man - One of the prime needs that every individual has is the need to feel good about one's own self.  When you start having doubts about yourself, a lack of confidence arises. 
Having admirers among the opposite gender is a major ego booster for anyone. Woman who like to indulge into "relationships" with younger man, do so to subconsciously prove that they are "still attractive" and "still have the same sexual stamina as younger woman".

The constant need to feel young and loved, drives them to seek younger man. 

A recent bollywood movie "desi boys" tried to raise the social view about the growing demand for male strippers and gigolos or male prostitutes. Considered a "easy money" option that more and more young men are looking towards in major metro cities of India.

5. The Virtual World- This discussion cannot be complete without mentioning the greatest field of "extra-marital relationships", the virtual world. Online dating, online relationships are a reality going on for years now. 
Recent studies have proven that the emotional and physical energy levels which an individual spends in an online relationship are equal or more than a real-time relationship.

Women who are shy or fearful of getting into an "extra-marital relationship", look at the internet as a very safe option. (I have written a complete article on this topic). 

Online relationships have the same mental impact as any other relationship would. While many argue that its safer because no "physical intimacy" is established, this is a wrong assumption. Exchange of extremely private photos, indulgence in sexual practice over webcam's, phone and skype stimulate the body to secrete equal levels of hormones as when really doing it.

The Most important issue bond in a relationship is TRUST.. if this is broken, the relationship has no meaning.

For any further help, don't hesitate 

Feel free to contact me at-

Dr.Hemant Mittal (MBBS, PG.DPM, M.D.(Mind Mantra Wellness Concepts - Mumbai))
Neuro-Psychiatrist and Sexual Health Consultant, Motivational Speaker and Wellness Expert

Website -         
WELLNESS CLINIC Address- 15, shreeji plaza, Next to Seawood Station (east), Navi Mumbai, Mumbai (India)


  1. This article should be read by every one who are regularly online in social net works sites.Particularly on the eve of Valentine's day.Everyone should be cautious before posting any article or picture on this day.Dr Mittal's suggestions are highly solicited for this purpose.

  2. Superb article and very true in current times...

  3. This article should be read by every one who are regularly online in social net works sites.Particularly on the eve of Valentine's day.Everyone should be cautious before posting any article or picture on this day.Dr Mittal's suggestions are highly solicited for this purpose.

  4. Thank-you Dr. Mittal: Thoroughly enjoyed this essary.
    Perhaps the increase in infidelity displays a total lack of cohesiveness within a relationship dynamic. If there is a betrayal of trust, an infidelity, this could be due to a host of reasons and problems. As culturally we do not live in a shell and the socio-sexual, etc layers of incoming stimuli can be overwhelming, as sex is an appetite, and these appetites are often offered a smorgasborg of stimuli to create the high rate of cheating by spouses today. Being exclusive attached to another has positive and negative effects. whether in a marriage or committed relationship everyday can offer excessive challenges to the best of marriages. And how can this created scenario cause one or both spouses to be blamed for their unfortunate indiscretions? Infidelity is an unpleasant dynamic in every relationship. It is always the elephant in the room. Especially the male who's very biological nature seems to support this nature of man. It is the males urge biologically, as far as the limbic brain is concerned to mate with as many potential partners as possible.(Freud and others). This very nature does lead to the component of unfaithfulness; eg |sowing one's wild oats". As a female who totally adores being wholly the attention of one partner, I realize that there is a codependent/interdependence which can and does creates a very disagreeable schism within a relationship. It is the psyche of some who feel they cannot truly commit to another; and this, is, in all honesty the reason to be. Yes, it is a natural thing to cheat, and one must always fight the urge not to cheat, unless there is mutual trust which has a basis in a very strong spiritually satisfying exclusinve relationship, knowing the perils of infidelity; eg disease, loneliness, etc. .
    Many are not suited to stay in commitmented relationship. What many want is not what they get in a relationship.
    How they start out, committed, happy and then the inevitable happens. Why? Perhaps, culturally, men perceive exclusivity as a weakness, something dreaded. This could threaten a relationship and either male or female need to understand "the nature of the beast". Women are often naive as to how much men cheat in many ways. But it is men's nature, their biological drives which create the high incidence of divorce, cheating, etc. So who may feel that their love is wasted upon another. But it does happen on an individual case so it is difficult to make blatant bias statements unless truly proven scientifically as to what are the exact causes of infidelity, etc. I believe men and women have many cultural/socio pressures today which do create this breech of trust at the highest level. Unfaithful is, in my opinion, is a very complex problem and needs to be fully investigated for the wellness of society in general. Often many are not aware of the true causes of their infidelity and never will be, because they draw away from initimacy as this is how society is, materialistic, hedonistic, etc. One must be able to discern fact from fiction, understand what is truly important and necessary for their value system to function in the "real" world. It is difficult and male or female is not to blame, rather caught in unawareness of the dymanic of their particular situation. In other words; it is a lot more compicated than surface level blame game.

  5. what is the reality ?

    Every one is seeking love, respect, and emotional support

    society is the problem , what others think is seen

    why not these problems come in to adivasi (junglee tribes) communities who live naked and all together

  6. not matter what but it end in shame and pain