Relationship Killer - Conditional Love or Possessiveness
The long term success of a relationship depends on the intensity of love within the partners. Possessiveness is one of the major enemies of love. It’s dangerous enough to smother a happy relationship to death.
Where does it come from?
Possessiveness commonly originates from one or more of the following causes:
a. Presence of Insecurity – personal or social
b. Fear of losing your partner
c. A Flirtatious partner
d. A relationship based on intense “conditional” love rather than “unconditional” love
e. Controlling type of Personality in one of the partner. The need to control each movement of his/her partner becomes elementary to their existence.
f. Clinical levels of depression or anxiety within a partner.
g. Childhood incidences that create a craving for dependency and need to be loved/appreciated.
Common Excuses for presence of possessiveness?
Every week I meet couples ranging from teenagers to retired individuals, who have suffered and had their “healthy” relationships torn apart by the evil of possessiveness.
It’s routine that in maximum such cases, the possessive partner knows about his/her trait. He/she commonly hide behind big words and big “Excuses” to prevent others from directly blaming them for failure of the relationship.
The most commonly used excuses are:
a. Out of Intense love
b. Demand for 100% honesty
c. Moral and religious values/duties
d. Guiding the other partner because of intellectual superiority.
The blunt truth is, they failed and are responsible for the failure of the relationship. The more they explain it, the more hurt they create for themselves and those around them.
How does Possessiveness destroy a relationship?
Possessiveness is a termite that slowly sips into your relationship and destroys it. What initially is described as sweet, cute or act of affection can turn to become an ever growing cancer that suffocates a relationship.
Some of the most common altered behavior patterns shown by an over possessive individual, that can lead to suffocation and death of a relationship are (presence of two or more of the following):
a. Extreme Suspiciousness
b. Keep track of every single act of their partner. This shows through sending ten’s to hundreds of sms or phone calls per day.
c. Finding hidden meaning within the glance, look or conversation of their partner with the opposite sex.
d. Seeking and expecting, an explanation and permission for every social act to be carried out by their partner.
e. Confrontation on minor issues at daily basis.
f. Extreme outburst of anger at private and public places.
g. Emotional fatigue and need to “run away” felt or expressed by the oppressed partner.
h. Extreme opinion over family and friends of their partner. The opinions can be from simple verbal descriptions to preventing him/her from meeting them.
i. Failure to solve such issues by talking it out, by making promises or by seeking “counseling” from friends or elders.
What is the Solution to this problem?
Possessiveness is the biggest example of "conditional love". The actions are a way of subconsciously saying "if you don't do as i say, i will not give you love"
There is no simple solution for this problem. Once set in, it requires careful and detailed introspection and firm steps need to be taken, if an individual is interested in his/her happiness.
a. If repeated communication attempts, “counseling” by friends, family and elders fails, then professional consult is extremely important.
b. Presence of physical violence in any form should prompt a person to immediately leave the relationship.
c. 90% of such relationships never prosper to become happy. Most partners confine to sadness and depression because of the choice of “living with it”
d. “ending the relationship” is an option that should be kept in mind, when things don’t seem to prosper.
The base of a healthy relationship is “unconditional” love, trust and space. If this is not present or if one partner is incapable of giving the same, then it’s time to move ahead.
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(MBBS,PGDPM, MBPS, MD(Mind Mantra wellness concepts))
Motivational Speaker - Mind Trainer – Emotional, Behavioral,
Sleep, Memory and Sexual Health Consultant at Mind Mantra. (www.mindmantra.in )