10 Guidelines to a Successful Relationship

 

Over the years I have been thankful to the thousands of people who I have had the chance of helping as a psychiatrist. Each and every one of them has thought me something about life. 

Relationships has been one field of human psychology which has always attracted me. The complex interactions can never be summoned into one simple document. 

Over the years after meeting hundreds of couples dating or married, the one line I can safely say is that “There is no Guarantee for a Successful Relationship”.

Even the most compatible of partners can have a fall-out on the stupidest of issues. Though like every team work, there are guidelines that can help you create a long lasting “successful and happy relationship”

1. Togetherness –  

A few years ago, just having completed my Post-Grad. in Psychiatry medicine,I met a couple who had been together for 30 years.
The most ironic part was they weren’t married and nor did they live-in under the same roof.
Even after all those years, they were just two teenagers in love.

It’s one of the few situations in life, where I have so over-whelmed by the feeling of love.

At that point, my logical mind, just rushed into a restlessness to ask them “How and why this life”
Their answer – “Son, we never battled, just loved.”

At that moment, I thought age had taken over them, and they really needed to consult me professionally. :)

They followed it with – “We just fell in love. From there we went through ups and downs to understand the beauty and power of love in our life... Like every young couple in love, we had our share of problems. Family, society, social rules, etc. But we understood that what we both wanted was Togetherness.”

“Togetherness?” - I questioned

"It sounds stupid and illogical, but Love is not just about constructing castles and raising a family... it’s about being there and smiling together.”

The old lady added – “A few years after initial dating...we went through a lot of ups and downs. That’s when one day we promised each other, that no matter how mad or angry we are, every night for 10minutes we will discuss on something that is completely unrelated to our current life... We made it an habit and 25yrs later we still do it... It still makes us wonder how much we can learn from the other person...and that increases the feel of togherness”

2. Be Direct –

One of the biggest traps for any relationship is “wait and watch approach”. 
There might be a behaviour pattern that you don’t like in your partner,  most will “wait and watch” for him/her to “understand and change”.

Unfortunately as he/she indulges in that behavior pattern, it becomes a habit. Habits are very difficult to let go.

If something is bothering you, be direct.

Remember – Don’t see Change as bad or as a relationship destroyer. It's the only constant that can create a better and more beautiful relationship.  

3. Fear-  

 As human beings we are loaded with emotions. One of the emotions we all carry is fear.  As much as we try to deny it, our heart has more than one fear.

Fear drives us to behave in very different ways. We might end up doing things we aren’t proud of or we don’t believe in.

Learn to recognize your fears and win over it.

4.  Biology – 

Our body is made of thousands of chemicals. 

Two very prominent are hormones and neuro-chemicals (chemicals made in the brain).

It’s the interaction of these chemicals that determine how we interact with each other.

For example a man very high on testosterone levels will have very high sexual desires. Similarly a woman high on testosterone might act very manly or be very tom-boyish in her approach to life.

Similarly someone with fluctuating serotonin levels is bound to have more emotional outbursts and mood swings.

Understanding your biology is essential to understand yourself and your relationship.

5. Respect and Honor – 

 Criticizing comes natural to a great majority. Finding a fault is so easy.

The day we understand that “Perfection is momentary, and chaos is eternal”  relationships become sweeter and deeper.

Respect and honour is mutual. Feeling respected and cherished by the one you love makes life sweet.

6. The devils Right hand – Anger - 

  Anger is a relationship killer. I like to call it the devils right hand. 

It makes you self-centered. 

It creates boundaries in love. The miracle called love and the feeling of love is looked upon with a raised eyebrow.  

Soon you are looking at family, friends, work and society to help you escape from “togetherness”.

It creates boundaries to sharing. It creates boundaries to peace. And it creates boundaries to love.

7.  You understand the worth of love when its gone. – 

Every 6-9months monotony starts seeping into a couple’s life. They get bored with seeing each other every morning. They know each other’s routine so perfectly that life is “stagnant”.

Love is an energy. Like any other form of energy, it’s impossible to keep it stagnant. 

Once a year, a couple should spend some time away from each other. It could be days, weeks or months. 

But being away, without any communication helps tighten the bond. You never forget the worth and blessing of love.

8. Friendship – 

Many couples develop this junior-senior attitude. While the husband is a junior in the kitchen and in raising the children, the wife is the same when it comes to finances and decision making.

When equality and friendship is removed from a relationship, it starts killing the romance and becomes a business deal.

Don’t run your relationship like an office,  instead enjoy it like a student.

9.  Colonel Dependency – 

 We love to be dependent on someone else. After all why do the effort when someone else is fulfilling the needs.
 

Unfortunately Dependency is a double edged sword. It becomes a psychological weapon, used to win mind games played in a relationship.

Tears, accusations, guilt generation are just soldiers of colonel dependency that attack Love with vengeance.

10. Give and Take -  

Every relationship is based on gave and take. Understand how much you can give and how much you want to take from a relationship.
Be very direct and practical on your approach. Because no one can just keep giving and no one can keep taking.

Love is beautiful and simple emotion. We complicate it.

Sometimes it’s important to un-learn all that we have learned and love with simplicity.

For any further discussion, feel free to email me at

Dr.Hemant Mittal (Counselor -  NeuroPsychiatrist)

www.mindmantra.in

email – eksoch@gmail.com

 (all discussions are kept secret)