Happy Marriage Foundation - Battle the adjustment problems.

As a counselor and psychiatrist, I have found that one of the most common reasons for new marriage's, specially in Mumbai, to walk down the dark path of sadness, fights and lack of fullfillment is adjustment issues that both the bride and groom.

While the first 6months might seem a great honeymoon period, its during this time that the base for future fights is being laid.

Be it a love marriage or an arranged one, its important to understand that no matter how prepared one comes into marriage its still going to be a completely new physical, emotional, financial, psychological and sexual experience.

When one is exposed to changes at so many levels, the brain-mind complex reacts in different ways.

While very few "mature" people tend to internalize the changes and "adjust" to it, others are more expressive and it comes out as anger, discontent, taunts, stress.

The most common reasons for this to happen-
1. A game of Expectations - Marriage is a game of expectations. It doesn't matter all the the flowery and lovely words spoken during the courtship period. Once married, the burden of expectations starts to dawn.
Time, social responsibilities, family responsibilities, way to take care of each other, physical intimacy, all of these are new learning that take time to learn.

Initially many take it very lightly, but slowly they start reading in-between the lines and creating a lot of anger.

2. Lack of Friends - While most men are expected to decrease the interactions with their friends, women (specially those from other cities) suddenly find themselves without friends.
Making new friends isn't easy. Having friends as good as your childhood friends isn't easy.
It creates a lot of loneliness.
While many wife look towards their husband to take care of this loneliness, husbands might find it as too much love.

3. Emotional Anchor - In any marriage the most important part is healthy communication. Being at different intellectual planes can increase the emotional instability.

4. Sex - angel or devil - I have found that upto 75% men and women getting married have no idea what sex is.
no one teaches them what is sex, what is its importance, how to perform and what to expect out of it.

Most find it as a recreational activity.
While men base their ideas about sex on the fantasy world pornography teaches them. Women rely on the hyped up experience of their friend.
While men idiotically think that having a 30min intercourse is what is normal, women feel that its just a way to satisfy their husband.

Sex without ego and full of positive emotions can be the greatest binding force. It could be the greatest form of non-verbal communication that two individuals can share.

Sex isn't an act of the devil.. but an act made by god for spreading love.

5. Guilt or Self-Blame - I have found so many people who within the 1st year of marriage tell me "I was better off not married, but what to do now?"

the moment you have guilt, sadness or self-blame coming into you, remember you are creating base for a troubled future.

If things aren't as you expected then accept the change. If you cannot accept the change, than consult a professional to find out why are you so rigid.

6. What is the perfect conduct in marriage? -
Nobody is prepared for marriage. Marriage is a journey where you learn with every day.
If you are not ready to learn and accept the teachings, then nothing can help you from falling trap to depression.

While many men battle is it right to favor their mother or their wife.
Many wife battle is it right to answer back to their mother-in-law or keep quiet.
Ego is many times confused for self-respect and a battle of ego's churns all.

Many individuals are deeply affected by the above changes. This leads 3 or more of the following-
a. feeling sad through out the day
b. restlessness - mind is always occupied with thoughts.
c. running away from home and preferring to stay out
d. anger/irritation
e. crying episodes
f. calling parents through out the day and complaining
g. constant want to change situation
h. talking of separation.
i. decreased sexual needs.

such people need to consult a counselor/psychiatrist as their mind is going into a stress cycle that will only increase when family/friends try to counsel them.

if such a stress cycle is left untreated it eventually turns into chronic depression, which changes the brain shape and leads to complications in the future.
falsh-backs, constant complaining, irritation, anger, excessive spending, family fights are all later manifestations of the same.

for any further help email me at eksoch@gmail.com

Dr.Hemant Mittal
email - eksoch@gmail.com
website - www.mindmantra.in

1 comment:

  1. Yes,for benefit of children and Family,I tell them that they fight like street dweler.and they make love behind the closed doors.The children see their parents fighting all the time.They never see them loving,caring for each other.I tell them,to keep children as centre of attraction.Both of them should love their children.They must take children out,play with them.Celebrate simple ordinary day