Thoughts after a Break-UP

Here are some thoughts that one suffers from after a break-up and few realities - 

1. You think you will be weak without him/her... but instead as time passes by and you know he/she is not coming back.. you actually become stronger... 
you become so strong that when you counsel your friends they actually understand you.

your words and body language suddenly has a power you never thought off.

2. You think that you'll be sad, but you learn to laugh harder.
When someone dear to you leaves, it drives you into extreme sadness.

For the first few days people sympathize with you and give you a crying shoulder... then they start leaving you... some may even blame you for being a "cry baby".

Thats when you start "laughing"... like a small child who is learning to walk.. you learn to laugh... 
first you copy those around you, whenever they laugh you laugh.
the sadness persists in your heart, but you laugh...
slowly you laugh more and more.
the more you try, the more you enjoy laughing.

you post photos on Facebook,
you go for vacations
you try and show everyone you are happy.

You actually learn the importance of laughter... and you laugh harder.

3. You think you'll be helpless without him/her... but you actually become smarter.

In a relationship you depend on the other person for everything... even small things are considered token of "love".
Dependency might lead to division of work, but it also creates helplessness.

One has to be self-sufficient to do everything on his/her own... You learn that once you are alone.
This learning is a strength of your personality.

I once counseled this guy who couldn't go to watch a movie alone. He always needed his girl-friend to be with him. Within a few months after his breakup, he actually walked alone into a cinema hall.. it was a liberating experience for him. He understood, there was nothing he couldn't do.

4. You think you'll never grow without him/her, but you actually become wiser.

Your partner might have IQ levels which either too low or too higher than yours... If you don't learn and teach each other there is no growth.
Your mind masks the frustration of not growing emotionally and spiritually under the memories of "love"

Someone of lower IQ will feel frustration cause he/she cannot express themselves without being criticized... and someone of higher IQ will feel frustrated cause he/she cannot express without being misunderstood.

I remember meeting one patient who was in severe depression because she had broken with his long time boyfriend... I asked her what new was she able too do... she said, now she could talk about religion and spirituality with her friends, without being judged.

Actually she and her friends had a very naive idea about spirituality and their thoughts were very much painted by their own intrinsic desires. 
Her ex-boyfriend was much more spiritually enlightened and would find this as a "childish" and "stupid", he wanted her to focus on higher levels. 
Sadly they couldnt understand each other and grow... so they had to move apart to individually grow.

5. you think you'll be broke or miss luxuries but you eventually become happier.

Being in a relationship might provide you with all the luxuries that you want. 
Financial stability is one of the most important reasons to stay in a relationship.
There is fear that if one breaks a relationship, how will they survive.. and how will they get all these benefits.

Its true that initially its very difficult... you might have to struggle for a few months or even a few years.. but if you keep working hard you will start seeking how you become happier and richer.

I remember a guy who I had come to me for counseling during his divorce.
Suddenly from 2 income sources, he was left with his income. Paying his EMI's and Credit Card bills became harder.
Partying, eating out or even going for movies was tougher.

6. You think you cann't live and will die without him/her... but eventually you are living it king/queen size.

The worst part of a break up is the emotional sadness it creates. 
It suddenly breaks your value system. 
Specially in cases where you have been cheated or a 3rd person has been responsible for the break up.

The anger, the negativity, the resentment are expressions of your sadness, that like monsters keep eating you from inside.

Many people aren't able to release these monsters.

Specially in cases were one has been cheated or a 3rd person is responsible for the break-up ... the anger, helplessness and resentment is huge.

Remember your anger is valid... cheating or a 3rd person intervention causing a relationship to break are not at all acceptable... so it good to be angry.
it shows that you value and love yourself.

You have to be careful, because even though this anger is good and a sign of self-love.. its anger in the end... it can become self-destructive and give rise to "crimes of passion".

One will remember that recently Jiah Khan commited suicide.. A few days ago newspapers reported a young woman in kanpur killed her doctor lover because he wouldn't leave his wife... 

Its this anger that needs help.. there are 3 ways to tackle it
a. a friend/family member who can help vent it out
b. a counselor or psychiatrist who can help you
c. self-counseling through use of rational thinking 
or use self-counseling through the process of meditation/spirituality.

the day you are able to control this anger.. you know it will no longer destroy you... you realize how powerful it is.. 
it triggers so many positives subconsciously - 

- you might suddenly become more attractive to the opposite sex.
- your words will carry much more power and people will follow you.
- whatever you do, you will be so involved that it will create more success.
- you will value every happiness in life much more.

many people never realize the positive changes this sadness and anger brings... because they are stuck in old memories... if you realize the positive change it has brought, you might say - its good that relationship ended.


Thanks for reading, your queries are welcome @- 

Dr.Hemant Mittal 
(Psychiatrist,Motivational Writer/Speaker and Counselor)

email -
website -

personal consultation @- 
address- Mind Mantra wellness clinic
Shop 15, shreeji plaza, next to ice n spice restaurant, 
opposite seawoods station, 
seawoods (east)
Navi Mumbai - 400706

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