Tips for Arranged Marriage - Life after Shaadi.com

Marriage is a sacrosanct act which secretly entices around 90% of young India. If asked at the end of their college life or starting of their working life, the end goal of the great majority is to get married. 

Traditional Indian society is based on the fact that "settlement" or peace in life happens only after this social and personal exercise is fulfilled. 

Arranged Marriages are the traditional way of marriage in India. A beautiful and very successful method of union, it has been one of the main reasons for great family bonding that the Indian society used to boost about. In the last decade, the social condition has drastically changed. Arranged marriage has started to produce fear in the minds of many as its becoming increasingly difficult to find two individuals who can live the dream of "perfect love."

As an emotional and behavioral counselor the stories and secrets of individuals approaching me for pre-arranged marriage counseling can run into thousands of pages. Every person is a new book in his/herself. All of them having a lot of apprehensions, which they find very difficult to discuss with their parents.
The following are 3 of the most common topics required to pay attention when going for an arranged marriage. 

1. PARTNER CHOICE

90% of those in for an arranged marriage have faint idea what they WANT in a relationship and have fainter idea of what they can GIVE to the relationship.
 
Like a miss universe contest, where all beautiful ladies will give answers beyond logic, most men and women are entangled into false "dreams" based on bollywood movies.

My first question to everyone who comes to me for pre-arranged marriage counseling is. What do you want in your partner.

Irrespective of socio-economic status, 99.9% guys come up with the absurd answer - 
A. I want a beautiful and well educated girl.( subconsciously means - I just want a beautiful girl who when  paraded in front of my friends will make them envy me. Also secondly her beauty with my brains will produce amazing kids... they mostly forget what happens if they get her brains and your beauty!!!)
B. Who comes from a "good" family. (this means family has good money or good contacts that can help me latter in life). 
C. Is very cultured ( means she is a virgin and has no previous relationships). 
D. Should be working, can support my family and take care of my needs. ( basically a girl who is ready to obey everything you say and not use her mind at all!!!)

Coming to the ladies, they are nothing behind in their answers - 
A. I want a handsome, good looking guy.- (they all dreams of a Tom Cruise like prince in shinning armour. But the great majority settle for a Johnny lever!!!). 
B. He should be from a good family. (basically he should listen and obey what I say).
C. The most important and in most cases only defining point - He has to be well settled guy (which means he should have a house and/or should be earning good enough to support both).
D. He should be loving, understanding and take care of me. ( this subconsciously means he should be a super human who leaves his ego aside, accepts all the bashing you give him and just nod in agreement to whatever you say)

If you take a practical look to the above table, you will understand how both parties are already loaded with a lot of ego and rules which makes marriage a mind game to control more emotional territory then a game of love.

My second question is What they can GIVE to a relationship? 
In this both genders love to flaunt caste, creed, social status, loving capabilities, etc etc as their trump cards. Which sounds more like a 2nd grader answering what he crammed last night.
I have found very few people who will really tell me how much they are ready to give in at emotional, financial and family levels. 
How much they are ready to let go!!

If you fall into the above mentioned category, let me break your dream ice-berg and tell you... be prepared for the next two things - Firstly you will join the gang of people who will call marriage as a necessary evil one has to go through. Secondly you will spend more time fighting with each other, spend more time trying to console yourself about adjustments you have made and more time comparing your partner with someone else's. After the first year all this will be compensated only by 5min bed room action every week. 
All that "bollywood love affair" you have imagined of being happy when she laughs, enjoying that walk in the park, he being your soul mate, you behaving like a kid and he taking care of you, etc etc..  will all fizzle...

if you want a happy committed relationship, start by having your basics clear. Know what you really want and how much you can really give to your partner. And be daring enough to spell it out when you meet for the "marriage interview"



2. MARRIAGE INTERVIEW

The second commonest problem most people tend to face is how to behave in an marriage interview. How to be perfect so that they aren't "rejected"?

My question to most people are are you selling a car or are you talking about marriage.

Until or unless you aren't a psychiatrist or psychologist, or someone who understands human psychology very well... there is no specific set of questions to "read" the mind of the other person. 
So what to do?
Be natural. 
Don't sell yourself as a car.. but present yourself as who you are. 

Most people are afraid of rejection. I was rejected 5 times, 6 times, 15times, 27times, etc etc.. 
No one likes to be rejected. Specially if you have a high ego. 
Rejection in case of marriage proposal is a very gutsy process. It should be appreciated that the other person had the guts to accept that your union wouldn't have worked. This is because BOTH of you couldn't provide each other with the emotional and physical requirements for a successful marriage.

Unfortunately we tend to put all the blame on the girl. Family members try to find faults, and try to get her married to anyone. Just to be RELIEVED FROM THEIR DUTY..

Again are you selling cars!!!! or are you talking about your own blood.

You can clap only with both hands.. so is a relationship, it can only work when both partners want to give it the best try...

Everyone has a choice to get into a relationship or not.. And that choice should be respected.

IF you are getting multiple rejections.. then probably its time to look at who are you approaching and what is your approach. 
You cannot sell a Diamond Set in a slum... you have to go to a high-end society.
Similarly you need to analyze your approach.

I tell all my clients and today I tell you, Don't be afraid of rejections.. be afraid of selling yourself as a car!!!


3. COMMITMENT

This is probably the biggest problem of the entire lot. 
Commitment doesn't mean you set a date for marriage and start preparing for all the "rituals" you need to go through.
Commitment means an emotional understanding of your partner.
Most guys and girls live a honeymoon period for a few months after "engagement".. Soon after the problem starts..They start to understand their life is no "bollywood romance"

The biggest synonym for Commitment is adjustment.
In today's individualistic life, were no one likes to be questioned, Adjustment is the biggest friction for any relationship.


How much and how long can you Adjust?
How good are you in creating a communication bridge?
How honest are you with each other?
How much emotional presence you want to give each other?
How much physical needs you both have?

Like the great majority of students who are extremely scared their teacher in school and college, people grow up to not know how to question their partner.
Like the students who always preferred to solve a problem in a old ways rather then device new ways to solve them, most people grow up to use generalized solutions to solve relationship issues. Generalized solutions don't work when you have 6 billion different personalities in the world.
Like the students who compared themselves with others and sought to become like them, most people grow up to try and model their relationship like that of their family/friends. Unfortunately it doesn't work because both of you might not share the same vision or might have never discussed the ultimate goal.

Even thou I want to discuss a lot more, i will keep it till here.
Arranged marriage is a beautiful way of marriage. It's wonderful. 
But requires a lot of adjustment. 

This article is meant to prepare you for that adjustment. 

Unfortunately Divorce is such a beautiful option that today anyone and everyone is opting for it. The laws of the nation add more pressure onto marriage.
Marriage is losing its charm. 
Marriage is not just an institution.. its a beautiful progressive way of coloring your life with the beauty of love... but for that you need to be very clear in your goal setting and long term vision.

For any further consultancy on this topic, feel free to contact me :
Dr.Hemant MittaL
(MBBS, PG.DPM, M.D.(Mind Mantra Wellness Concepts - Mumbai))
(Specialize in Emotional, Behavioural, Sleep, Memory, Concentration and Sexual Health)
(www.mindmantra.in)
Contact at -
Email eksoch@gmail.com

5 comments:

  1. This has been one of the most revealing posts I have ever read, It actually helped me realise who I really am and what I need to look for in a partner. An awesome job Sir,

    Thank you Dr.Hemant.

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  2. Best article on marriage vry practical

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  3. thank you sir for giving such good advice before marriage

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  4. i'on the way duty ..is most important than enjoyment....,life is very critical but we r educated peoples we have to solve it technically...family is strength not weakness...we should have to use it as strength...ya its up to u how u take it....our wiseness represent education level of our mentality...

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