Why woman Cheat - The reasons for getting involved or having thoughts about an extra-marital affair

"is Monogamy becoming a delusion in today’s society?"

Even though Monday mornings are a slow starter for me, but this one was different.

Shubha (name changed), a well educated young lady, had come to meet me regarding her clinical depression. The cause of her sadness was the guilt and helplessness of being in an extra-marital affair that she had now become addictive to. While she still proclaimed love for her husband and family, she finds it equally impossible to live without the sexual and emotional satisfaction that her boy-friend gives her. 

It was just an irony that my next patient for the day was Sunil (name changed), an middle-aged man. He had come seeking help on how to control his anger, anxiety and helplessness. He was into clinical depression because he had found his wife having an extra-marital with someone nearly half her age. A direct opposite of the spectrum.

After personality analysis, psychological profiling,counselling  and treatment for both of them, i sat and thought of the psychological reasons for the increase number of cases where women have either been completely involved or have been contemplating about having an extra-marital affair.

The first corner stone of blame can be put upon the evolution of the society. The increased connectivity, education, work, media, financial independence, entertainment and technology all have at some point hinted at the dilution of the concept of monogamous relationship. 

The most important factor is to look at the physiological and psychological needs of a woman. Needs that are many a times never satisfied. And that compel her to "break free".

The 5 main reasons why a woman is biologically and psychologically compelled to cheat on her husband are:

1. The Birbe Doll Effect
It's found that a great majority of women whose marriages seem happy and lives seem ideal from the outside are really bored, powerless and feel psychologically trapped.
This is more in cases of women whose husband is "workoholic" i.e. completely focussed on his career. 

Such woman are both emotionally and physically completely unsatisfied. They are picture perfect for everyone, but they only see a big failure for themselves.  

They tend to compare themselves with others and feel extremely sad about it. 

Their mind start to think in terms of extra-marital affair so that the monotony of "idealism" can be broken. They seek adventure. They seek to "break away" from their life. Many times the need and desire to break away from routine is so high that they don;t understand what they are getting involved in, until it is too late. 

The higher the risk, the better the game.

2. The addiction Effect 
It's been psychologically proved that first time having sex with an extra-marital partner is like committing a murder. The first time caries its handful of guilt, sadness and self-blame... It also carries a psychological load of adrenaline rush which makes it very tempting. 
Like the serial killer who slowly gets addicted to the adrenaline rush followed before and after a killing... slowly slowly sexual relationships with an extra-marital partner become addictive.

Such is the case of addiction in some woman, that they fake the act with their own husbands and only find true "orgasms" or "pleasures" with someone outside wedlock. 

When asked many of them accept that the first sexual experience with their husband or first love in life was the best they ever had... but the addiction to sexual activity with their extra-marital partner is something they cannot let go.

3. Attention Seeking Effect 
Some woman love attention more than others. 
They have a high need to be the center of attention. They constantly need to prove to themselves that age and marital status hasn't diminished their natural power of attraction. 

While they take their husbands for granted, they seek out new "conquests" every time. The thrill of having a single or a series of men after her (depending on attention seeking need), can drive the women to explore hidden traits in her personality. 

4. Anger 
Many woman seek for extra-marital affair to teach their husbands a lesson. A husband who has been caught cheating, or if his wife suspects him to be cheating on her, naturally leads to a negative attitude. One of the thoughts that govern such a lady's mind is to pay back with the same coin. And she seeks to have a sexual relationship just to teach her husband a lesson.

Unfortunately once indulged into the act, it can lead to various psychological problems like depression, addiction, guilt, sadness.

5. Personality Disorder
One of the main reasons for marital infidelity is presence of a personality disorder.
A personality disorder is the presence of rigid personality traits that cannot be changed by any amount of "common" counseling. These individuals are compelled to behave in certain ways because of their brain structure and childhood influences. 
Extra-marital affairs in women are specially seen commonly in identifiable cases of Borderline Personality, Histrionic Personality, Anancastic personality or Antisocial Personality disorders.

For any further assistance feel free to contact me. 
Do leave a comment:

Dr.Hemant MittaL
(MBBS, PG.DPM, M.D.(Mind Mantra Wellness Concepts - Mumbai))

For any further query, especially regarding Stress, Depression, Emotional, Behavioural, Sleep, Memory, Concentration and Sexual Health feel Free to Contact me at:
Website - www.mindmantra.in
Email eksoch@gmail.com
Twitter - http://twitter.com/Hemant_MittaL


  1. It is very much helpful. Thanks a lot.

  2. I dont have words to appreciate you...