Counselling a victim of Sexual abuse is one of the toughest and probably most draining exercises a counselor has to go through.
Over the years, I have been meeting an increasing number of such victims.
Its so nasty but the very Family, Culture and Social laws that we talk are used as a shield to sexually abuse young boys and girls.
The highest number of sexual abuse cases happen within family or closed community.
Maria had been sexually abused by her fathers younger brother, at the age of 14.
She grew up with lot of resentment and anger against the society. Since the fear of social rules never allowed her to openly talk about this to her parents, she kept it all in her heart.
She became a wild child. Only cared about her own happiness. She took to alcohol, smoking and highly sexual behavior.
She broke the heart of many guys, without no reason. One even attempted suicide, to which she laughed on his face.
At 26yr she met John.
He was total opposite of what any other guy was.
John was always helping others, doing small odd jobs at NGO's on weekends, always smiling even in the worst of conditions... least interested on what others thought or commented about it.
He gave everyone a lot of space...
He was happy and innocent like a child.. finding happiness in the smallest of things..
She initially hated him... she envied him... she completely disliked a guy who was so happy.
She secretly wanted to destroy him.. wanted him to suffer.
She tried all her "tricks" to "trap" him, but this guy seemed much beyond her.
One day after a party, in a drunk state Maria tried to sexually entice John. She was shocked to see him reject her.
She had been rejected before, but there was something about John which gave her a lot of guilt.
Next evening she met John and apologised for her behavior. Like a small child, John just laughed it away and continued being happy.
Somehow Maria didn't want to leave John that day. She suddenly felt a sense of security with him.
She had never felt such with any man.
She asked him, if they could go for a walk before he drops her home...
While walking down Marine Drive, she broke down and cried... first time in her life, instinctively without conscious control she told someone what had happened with her in childhood.
John stood smiling... and said - "All these years you have been fighting men and fighting yourself".
Maria replied - "John I don't know why I told you this... you can judge me as you want... you can call me a whore because I know no one can understand me??"
John said - "My parents were very poor... they asked an uncle of mine to take care of me when i was 11.
I was sexually abused for the first time at 12. It was a servant in that house who did it.
Then it was that uncle... than it was one of his friends... whenever they would have drinks... they would take turns on me..
This continued till 16...when I finally mastered courage to run away from that house."
Maria was shocked... As John spoke all this in a monotone, with no emotions...
John continued - "for a long time I thought of myself as dirty unworthy human being... I always sought an explanation why this happened to me...
once I thought it was my previous life karma haunting me.
then I thought this is a lesson from the universe, for something great is waiting for me.
then I thought those who had done this too me will rot in hell."
he took a small pause -
"Then one day I met this fakir... I was having a smoke, when he suddenly begged me for a cigarette... Apprehensive I initially shunned him.. but he kept pestering me, till I gave him one... Then he asked me to light it up.."
with a shine in his eyes... he said -
"Imagine I am standing next to my office, having a smoke... giving a cigarette to a fakir... and then I am also lighting it up for him... I thought I had lost it.."
...
"After the first drag... In the most soft and beautiful voice he said - Remember Nobody can take away anything for you, till you don't give it.
You gave me this cigarette because your peace of mind is in giving.. You don't like to fight for things.
If your peace of mind was in fighting for things, you would have never given me a cigarette.
Pain makes you question your actions...
Makes you question yourself.
Just like this cigarette... Nobody can take your pain away but yourself.
Your pain can only leave you, when you exchange it for happiness.
You were initially apprehensive of this fakir.
you were full in thought about yourself.
so giving a cigarette was tough for you.
when you finally let loose of yourself, gave it too me.. you felt I am no longer pestering you... for a few seconds you felt happy and free... only to return to your thoughts.
Do those actions that give you happiness... and slowly pain will disappear".
Maria looked at John... with tears flowing down her cheeks... She knew she couldn't go back in time and change things.. but she could stop calling herself names... stop thinking of herself as lesser than anyone... stop taking the pain.
written by -
Dr.Hemant Mittal
eksoch@gmail.com
(based on true events recollected from hundreds of patients of sexual abuse I have met, and how many of them are today great source of motivation)
Over the years, I have been meeting an increasing number of such victims.
Its so nasty but the very Family, Culture and Social laws that we talk are used as a shield to sexually abuse young boys and girls.
The highest number of sexual abuse cases happen within family or closed community.
Maria had been sexually abused by her fathers younger brother, at the age of 14.
She grew up with lot of resentment and anger against the society. Since the fear of social rules never allowed her to openly talk about this to her parents, she kept it all in her heart.
She became a wild child. Only cared about her own happiness. She took to alcohol, smoking and highly sexual behavior.
She broke the heart of many guys, without no reason. One even attempted suicide, to which she laughed on his face.
At 26yr she met John.
He was total opposite of what any other guy was.
John was always helping others, doing small odd jobs at NGO's on weekends, always smiling even in the worst of conditions... least interested on what others thought or commented about it.
He gave everyone a lot of space...
He was happy and innocent like a child.. finding happiness in the smallest of things..
She initially hated him... she envied him... she completely disliked a guy who was so happy.
She secretly wanted to destroy him.. wanted him to suffer.
She tried all her "tricks" to "trap" him, but this guy seemed much beyond her.
One day after a party, in a drunk state Maria tried to sexually entice John. She was shocked to see him reject her.
She had been rejected before, but there was something about John which gave her a lot of guilt.
Next evening she met John and apologised for her behavior. Like a small child, John just laughed it away and continued being happy.
Somehow Maria didn't want to leave John that day. She suddenly felt a sense of security with him.
She had never felt such with any man.
She asked him, if they could go for a walk before he drops her home...
While walking down Marine Drive, she broke down and cried... first time in her life, instinctively without conscious control she told someone what had happened with her in childhood.
John stood smiling... and said - "All these years you have been fighting men and fighting yourself".
Maria replied - "John I don't know why I told you this... you can judge me as you want... you can call me a whore because I know no one can understand me??"
John said - "My parents were very poor... they asked an uncle of mine to take care of me when i was 11.
I was sexually abused for the first time at 12. It was a servant in that house who did it.
Then it was that uncle... than it was one of his friends... whenever they would have drinks... they would take turns on me..
This continued till 16...when I finally mastered courage to run away from that house."
Maria was shocked... As John spoke all this in a monotone, with no emotions...
John continued - "for a long time I thought of myself as dirty unworthy human being... I always sought an explanation why this happened to me...
once I thought it was my previous life karma haunting me.
then I thought this is a lesson from the universe, for something great is waiting for me.
then I thought those who had done this too me will rot in hell."
he took a small pause -
"Then one day I met this fakir... I was having a smoke, when he suddenly begged me for a cigarette... Apprehensive I initially shunned him.. but he kept pestering me, till I gave him one... Then he asked me to light it up.."
with a shine in his eyes... he said -
"Imagine I am standing next to my office, having a smoke... giving a cigarette to a fakir... and then I am also lighting it up for him... I thought I had lost it.."
...
"After the first drag... In the most soft and beautiful voice he said - Remember Nobody can take away anything for you, till you don't give it.
You gave me this cigarette because your peace of mind is in giving.. You don't like to fight for things.
If your peace of mind was in fighting for things, you would have never given me a cigarette.
Pain makes you question your actions...
Makes you question yourself.
Just like this cigarette... Nobody can take your pain away but yourself.
Your pain can only leave you, when you exchange it for happiness.
You were initially apprehensive of this fakir.
you were full in thought about yourself.
so giving a cigarette was tough for you.
when you finally let loose of yourself, gave it too me.. you felt I am no longer pestering you... for a few seconds you felt happy and free... only to return to your thoughts.
Do those actions that give you happiness... and slowly pain will disappear".
Maria looked at John... with tears flowing down her cheeks... She knew she couldn't go back in time and change things.. but she could stop calling herself names... stop thinking of herself as lesser than anyone... stop taking the pain.
written by -
Dr.Hemant Mittal
eksoch@gmail.com
(based on true events recollected from hundreds of patients of sexual abuse I have met, and how many of them are today great source of motivation)
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