Marriages in India- a social obligation?

written by Japleen Pasricha


Why does young India get married? Or to be more precise,
why does young educated urban/sub-urban India get married?
The ideal answer(s) to this question would be:

Because they have found the love of their lives,
that person is the one for them,
they want to wake up every morning next to them,
they cannot imagine their lives without them,
they want to spend the rest of their lives with them,
they want to grow old with them.

(Okay, sorry! Too much mushiness happening here!)

But hey, we are talking about India, aren’t we? So who is this young India? Let’s define them first:
we are the young Indians, we go to collge, we complete university, we have fancy degrees like B.tech/M.tech and MBAs from even fancier institutes like the IITs and IIMs. Some of us even have foreign degress, you see imported maal is always good. We work in big multinationals and banks and what not. Our dear young India is very modern, you see. We only talk in English, drink black coffee, strictly use Apple products (hey don’t you dare, Steve Jobs is our God), we eat in high-end cafes and loung bars and we mingle with all sorts of people, men and women alike. We are very open-minded, you see. But we also don’t forget that we, at the end, are Indians. We should never forget our sanskars. So when it comes to finding “the one” for us, we turn to our mommys and papas. Because we respect our elders and we trust their choices, even blindly.

So besides these (obvious) reasons what are the other ones that make young Indians take the big step? Let’s list down some of them.

-My parents think I should get married.
-It is high time, I should settle down, get married and have a couple of kids.
-The society expects this of me.
-Getting married is a social duty.
-If I don’t get married how will my family grow, and most importantly the heir who will carry on my name.
-I want a big fat dowry.
-It is beneficial for my business
-I want to have sex, unlimited sex.
-I am now in the marriageable age (or what that even means)
-My friends and cousins are getting married.
-I have a few grey hair now, better get married than sorry.
-After a degree in engineering, an MBA and a job as an investment banker, I am earning enough to settle down.
-Ooohh, I have always dreamt of getting married, and all my girlfriends are already hooked up. So it’s only fair that I should be too.
-Arranged marriages- because that’s how we roll.
-Because I don’t know how to talk to women, better mommy finds me one.
-Because I never talked to guys, and of course mommy knows the best.
-Because “log kya kahenge” (mind you, this is one of the epic ones..)

(My head might crack up but the list will go on and on. So I better stop here.)

Young India has a truck load of pretty good reasons to tie the knot. Mind you, they all are very rational and logical. You see, the young India strives for perfection.
And what is perfection without a fair, homely convent-educated girl or a teetotaler boy from a decent family based in the USA/UK with a handsome package. What else does one need?
The young India follows it’s timetable very sternly and marriage is of course a part of the timetable. Then comes the kids and after that we all know how life goes on.

How does young India contribute to the society?
By getting married, which is very important.
It is almost a social obligation. And you HAVE TO get married, no choice bro!
Doesn’t matter if you are ready or not,
doesn’t matter if you know, let alone love the person, you have to get married.
Because it is the right thing to do.
And who told you that?
Of course your mommy and papa and they know the best. And who told them?
Of course their mommy and papa.

Hence it goes on, without any one ever questioning the mommy and papa that why is it so important to get married.
It is a tradition, a ritual which has been passed down generations and young India doesn’t dare to raise an eyebrow (well, at least the majority doesn’t).
Because you see, we are Indians and we don’t argue back with our elders. And we are very much better off than the West, where relationships are weak and divorce rates are high. Chi! We are so much better!
Although we do ignore the fact that we have a low divorce rate because divorce is still a taboo in our country or domestic violence is rampant or many women are not financially independent or the parents don’t accept their daughters back at their homes and many more such archaic excuses.
We only care what the statistics say. And numbers speak louder than real situations, of course. So 10 : 1 and we won. Bohoo West!

We are the young Indians and we are proud of it. Although even after having white-collared jobs -
we expect a large dowry and also want the woman to leave her home, her family and everything and come and live with us.
Our parents should become her parents and our family should become her family.
Because that’s the way it has been, isnt’ it? And who questions such traditions? Tauba Tauba, not we!
We are the cultured young India. We havn’t forgotten our values. So our wives come and live with us and our families and take our name, and wear ridiculous symbols to shout to the world that they are married (even if they don’t like to, they must).
Then our kids take our names and we become their first guradians. And so with kids we fulfill our duty to the society. We have given them the future of India who will make India a better place to live in (hopefully).

And that’s how my dears we make marriage a social obligation, because this is our happy land and to reach the happy land what do we do? Yes, you guessed it right. We get married!

MIND MANTRA - I congratulate the author japleen pasricha for such a good article.. It has spoken what the mind of many literate young indians speak..before they are coaxed into marriage..
Marriage is a beautiful institution...but ITS TIME TO ACCEPT IT... ITS NOT MEANT FOR EVERYONE... SOME OF US ARE MEANT TO BE FREE!!

As a psychiatrist I meet so many people suffering from Depression, anxiety and post-traumatic stress due to a bad or failed marriage...
so many people who have given up on their dreams for marriage...
so many people who look at their children to do things they couldn't..

YOU ONLY HAVE ONE LIFE... SO LIVE IT YOUR WAY... AND LET EVERYONE ELSE GO THE HIGHWAY.!!!

Dr.Hemant Mittal
eksoch@gmail.com

The Creative Personality - Ten paradoxical traits of the creative persona

By Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi


Of all human activities, creativity comes closest to providing the fulfillment we all hope to get in our lives. Call it full-blast living.

Creativity is a central source of meaning in our lives. Most of the things that are interesting, important, and human are the result of creativity.

Language, values, artistic expression, scientific understanding, and technology-- are the result of creative power.

When we're creative, we feel we are living more fully than during the rest of life. The excitement of the artist at the easel or the scientist in the lab comes dose to the ideal fulfillment we all hope to get from life, and so rarely do.

Creative individuals are remarkable for their ability to adapt to almost any situation and to make do with whatever is at hand to reach their goals.

If I had to express in one word what makes their personalities different from others, it's complexity.

They show tendencies of thought and action that in most people are segregated. They contain contradictory extremes; instead of being an "individual," each of them is a "multitude."

Here are the 10 antithetical traits often present in creative people that are integrated with each other in a dialectical tension.


1. Creative people have a great deal of physical energy, but they're also often quiet and at rest.

They work long hours, with great concentration, while projecting an aura of freshness and enthusiasm. It seems that their energy is internally generated, due more to their focused minds.

This does not mean that creative people are hyperactive.
In fact, they rest often and sleep a lot.

The important thing is that they control their energy. It's not ruled by an external schedule. They consider the rhythm of activity followed by idleness or reflection very important for the success of their work.


2. Creative people can be Highly sexual, yet often celibate.
They seem to have quite a strong dose of libidinal energy, which some express directly into sexuality.

At the same time, specially when they are working, they can maintain a stage of celibacy for years.


3. Creative people tend to be smart yet naive at the same time.
A certain immaturity, emotional, social and mental, can go hand in hand with deepest insights. An example of the same is Mozart.

Creative People are experts at using two opposite ways of thinking: the convergent and the divergent.
In Convergent thinking involves solving well-defined, rational problems that have one correct answer.

Divergent thinking leads to no agreed-upon solution. It involves fluency, or the ability to generate a great quantity of ideas; flexibility, or the ability to switch from one perspective to another; and originality in picking unusual associations of ideas.

What matters is the dimensions when these ways of thinking is used.


4. Creative people combine playfulness and discipline, or responsibility and irresponsibility.
There is no question that a playfully light attitude is typical of creative individuals. But this playfulness doesn't go very far without its antithesis, a quality of doggedness, endurance, perseverance.


5. Creative people alternate between imagination and fantasy, and a rooted sense of reality.
Great art and great science involve a leap of imagination into a world that is different from the present. The rest of society often views these new ideas. as fantasies without relevance to current reality.

What makes a novel idea creative is that once we see it, sooner or later we recognize that, strange as it is, it is true.


6. Creative people trend to be both extrovert and introvert.
We're usually one or the other, either preferring to be in the thick of crowds or sitting on the sidelines.

Creative individuals, on the other hand, seem to exhibit both traits simultaneously. They can be extremely extrovert in areas of their expertise and extremely introvert in other areas.


7. Creative people are humble and proud at the same time.
It is remarkable to meet a famous person who you expect to be arrogant only to encounter self-deprecation and shyness instead. Yet there are good reasons why this should be so.

These individuals are well aware were they stand. Their mind makes them aware of the long line of previous events leading to current post. Hence they can be extremely humble in situations where they are praised.

At the same time, they know have accomplished a great deal. And take to pride, specially when someone disrespects their thought process.



8. Creative people are both rebellious and conservative.

It is impossible to be creative without having first internalized an area of culture/knowledge.

Most people follow a single thought process they are either traditional/conservative or rebellious...

Creative people can internalize both attitude and use the ones that they feel right in a situation.

"The idea to create something is not the aim. To be different is a negative motive, and no creative thought or created thing grows out of a negative impulse. A negative impulse is always frustrating. The need is to break out of tradition and express yourself in the most positive way possible".


Hence creative people have the willingness to take risks, to break with the safety net of tradition for their emotional freedom.



9. Most creative people are very passionate about their work, yet they can be extremely objective about it as well.

When creating, creative personality are so passionate and involved in the work that they flow in the moment.

Unlike most people, soon they detach and move away from that moment.

Thats when they become very objective and critical of the work created.

This trait gives them the capacity to forget bad memories very fast, become critical about it and enjoy the present much more.



10. Creative people's openness and sensitivity often exposes them to suffering and pain, yet also to a great deal of enjoyment.

Creative expression is everything for them. But because people cannot understand that, they find themselves more than often alone. This exposes their vulnerability.

They value work in terms of energy spent on it. So even the smallest of work might be extremely dear to them.
Extreme criticism of their work makes them feel alienated. They might fail to understand why people cannot appreciate the energy they have put into it.
Lack of appreciation, specially from "important people" make them feel they are loosing on their creative quality.
This leads to feeling misunderstood, trying to adjust to popular requirement, sense of emptiness and sadness, extreme restlessness and addictions.

Perhaps the most important quality, the one that is most consistently present in all creative individuals, is the ability to enjoy the process of creation. It gives them extreme joy that no money can ever buy.


Dr.Hemant Mittal
eksoch@gmail.com

How to adjust to a new boss?

A new boss can be a blessing or a curse.
The 2 things I have learnt by counseling corporates is that -
No one likes a boss... and a Boss can never be your friend.

So adjusting to a new boss, requires some mental reworking. Here are few steps that will help you -


1) New is New
Every human being is different. The problem is when we compare him to the previous one, we already develop certain expectations from him.
Give yourself sometime to judge your new boss.


2) Be positive
Be optimistic and positive about him.
Spend sometime understanding his behavior patterns.
Focus on his positives.


3) Impression
The boss will make his own judgements about people. Its time to make a favorable impression on him.
Be proactive.
Talk to him, and volunteer at being part of his new team.
Don't linger on your laurels and old achievements giving you a head start... make the start.


4) Learning
Your boss will learn from you.. and you will learn from him.
He will have some good traits and some bad ones.
Communicate with him.. Be polite and firm in guiding him through the attitude that need change.


5) Play it right
Understand your new boss’ agenda. Know his priorities.
Just like a game of chess, you have to understand his future moves and what his vision about work.
This will help you in adjusting to his working style.


6) Adjustment
Adjust to your new boss’ working style immediately. This is a a necessary shift.
Most people I meet for counseling who are suffering from the effects of a New boss .. is due to their own short coming. They are too rigid about their working style.
They don't want to evolve and hence are stuck in "ego" battles with their new boss.


7) Be practical
A new boss, means a new game.
New set of rules, a new way of thinking, a new way of playing the game.
Your efficiency at work is determined by your dedication and the appreciation you get.
If your boss is against your way of working, you have to adjust to his.
A change in boss can destroy work culture of a place. I have counseled hundreds of corporate workers who couldn't take the new boss attitude.

If after 100% trying you are still struggling to cope up with him... be practical its either time to talk to your HR team or make a shift.



Dr.Hemant Mittal (psychiatrist and counselor)
eksoch@gmail.com
www.mindmantra.in 

How to Deal with Failure?

1. View yourself as a success, no matter what is happening.
Some people grow up feeling so worthy, loved, and special that setbacks affect them much less than other people. They shrug off setbacks and move on to the next challenge.
The more attention you pay to increasing your self-esteem, the less you will be scarred by setbacks.


2. Know your personal weaknesses and deal with them.
Most adults are keenly aware of the areas where they are weak, but popular myth is that admitting a weakness, even to yourself, is considered the sign of a loser.
This is far from true from success in real life, where knowing yourself is an enormous advantage on the road to success.
It's not possible to be all things. The act of being honest is the first step in getting better. Hiding your weaknesses rarely works.


3. Address the influence of fear and anxiety.
Modern life is anxious and stressful. Medical statistics tell us that prescriptions for antidepressants and tranquilizers keep soaring, but you know why upto 80% of these treatments/medications go to women?
Because they are better than men at admitting how they feel inside and taking steps to get better.
The whole area of how to treat psychological problems is acceptance you have a problem.
You need to realize that anxiety is a natural reaction to stress. Listen to the signals of your body and mind. It can prevent you years of suffering.


4. Get the details of your work.
Setbacks feel worse when they come as a surprise or shock
Managers and executives refuse to see the looming dangers, or otherwise ignore risks.
Take heed and practice foresight.
Don't trust in luck, don't assume you are immune to risks.


5. Have a supportive family.
Fifty years ago it was typical for a husband not to tell his wife about what was happening at work. Today husband and wife are likely to both be working, and there's no reason for either of them to go it alone. Call upon the support of your spouse, and when you are in the supporting position, lend your full attention to what is going on in your partner's work life. All of us thrive with encouragement and wilt with discouragement. So having an encouraging partner who believes in you is an essential kind of support. If you currently don't communicate on this level with your partner, take steps to begin to.


6. Alone or in team - whats you work atmosphere.
Some people are destined to work alone, writers and artists being the classic examples.
Others are programmed to works as part of a team, and teams build their own culture and atmosphere.
Recognize your calling.


7. Identify with interests outside your work.
Everyone needs both down time and play time, not just on the weekends but every day.
If you only live for your work, setbacks can be devastating. The value of play time is essential for your brain.


8. Develop core values.
Values need to be explored and developed -  love, trust, honesty, compassion, self-reliance, devotion, reverence, loyalty, and courage.
Are great words until not practised.


9. Be centered.
Being centered means that you can rest within yourself no matter how stormy your circumstances may be. You reside in your own existence. You don't identify with external markers of value like money, rank, and possessions.
Being whole within yourself is the prize that comes after you've remained centered for years, because being centered isn't a passive state.
It's the place from which you learn, grow, observe, decide, and appreciate.


by Deepak Chopra

The importance of NO!

Tony found it very difficult to say NO!!
He thought it would make people think negative about him and he would loose on friends.
One day his boss asked him to supervise the office Lunch for next 6 months.
The office policy was to provide a standard Free Lunch to all employees. Any extra dish had to be paid by the employee.
On first day, some of Tony's friends asked him to give them some freebies.
He nicely obliged. The next day some "new" friends again asked him and he obliged.
New and old friends made this a trend for 2 months.
Then his boss called and questioned why suddenly the office was spending thrice the money on Lunch.

He realized his mistake... Next day onwards Tony Stopped giving Freebies. Within a month people complained about his ineffective and insensitive management, causing him to loose the job!!


Dr.Hemant Mittal
eksoch@gmail.com
www.mindmantra.in

Is being "good to all" affecting your subconscious mind?

Being good to others is very noble... but when you try to adjust too much, it creates extreme negativity inside your mind.
Memories, emotions and thoughts start to make you restless.
This restlessness keeps playing in your subconscious mind, making you feel worthless, helpless and hopeless.

a small psychological test, will help you find how much your inner subconscious mind is affected -

Go through the questions and answer in YES/NO

1. Do you find it difficult to sit silent at one place for more than 5min?

2. Do you keep apologize just to keep others happy, even if it wasn’t your fault completely?

3. You want to tell people to stop taking you for granted. You plan it mentally but are unable to tell them?

4. You keep giving yourself “explanations and excuses” for submitting to do what others want. But feel guilty deep inside?

5. Your first reaction to any problem is to “find a way out of it” rather than “find a solution for it”

6. You try to be in everyone’s good books, this makes people take advantage of you?

7. You constantly lose sleep, worrying about self and others?

8. You crave for attention and love. Mind is constantly clouded with negative images of the past?

9. You sacrifice your own happiness, just to keep others happy?

10. When alone with yourself own, do you feel guilty for the way your life is going?

11.  Do you constantly compare your life with those of others?

12.  Do you constantly feel you are destined to live life in this sadness?

13.  Try to avoid meetings, party’s or going out?

14. You tend to take the blame for events and circumstances. Without analysing what or who caused them?

15.  You always have this need that someone will guide you out of this bad time?

Score yourself one (1) point for every yes you have given.

If you scored more than 11 - than its time to seek help.

Your brain’s functioning, blood and chemical circulation is in overactive mode.

Trying to be good to others, you are decreasing your own self worth. This is hurting you emotionally. Starving you for appreciation and love.

Your over-active brain activity will be manifested in symptoms by showing problems in sleep, memory, skin (acne), hair fall, sexual disatisfaction and weight gain.

Consult a psychiatrist/counselor near you.

For online help can contact me  -
Dr.Hemant Mittal
email - eksoch@gmail.com
www.mindmantra.in

Board Exams related stress

10th and 12th Board exams are a corner stone in every India student's life.
With the exams just 3 months away, Parents and student alike are now slowly showing signs of stress.

The next 3 months are crucial, as it will define the good from bad.. and the great from the average.

Everyday many parents are coming to my clinic for tips on how to help their children battle stress and have an efficient "memory" for the exams.

Here are some essential tips to keep in mind -

1. Restriction - Parents always want the best for their child. Because of their experience they get very anxious. This anxiety is manifested as restrictions and comparison put on the child.
30min of TV
30min of internet usage
NO cell phone
see how the neighbours child studies..  are common in every household.

MIND MANTRA - communicate with your child openly... first listen to what he wants.. and then tell him what you expect. Don't be a dictator.. talk to him. and let him talk to you.


2. Addictions - so what addictions can a 15-17yr old child have?
TV
Internet
Cell-phone - whatsapp, BBM
Video-games.

MIND MANTRA - most parents immediately stop and restrict the child. This creates withdrawal symptoms, which include depression, restlessness, feeling less loved. Hence the child revolts.

If your child indulges in such addictions more than 3hrs a day.. Then stop it under the guidance of a professional counselor, else he/she will loose many days battling withdrawal symptoms, which you cannot understand off.


3. Friends - Friends are most important to a 15-17yr old teenager. Unfortunately most friends don't have the same ideas about life, and others lie about how much they have studied.

MIND MANTRA - This is the time to be selfish... because if you spend excessive time listening to friends and their thought process, you might miss the opportunity.
People will only comfort you later, but nothing will be possible then.
This doesn't mean you are a bad friend, it just means you are more concerned about yourself.


4. Memory - Memory fades away in stressful situations. As the stress of board exams increases, the concentration level is bound to decrease.

Parents run around to find cures for brighter memory. - syrups, tablets, massages... parents will try everything.

Every year so many parents come to me for prescriptions of "magical memory drugs".

MIND MANTRA - I tell parents that before starting these wonder drugs its important to fight the stress and memory will automatically disappear. Consult a professional counselor/psychiatrist to evaluate the stress level of the child and suggest activities/medicines for the same.


5. Exam phobia - one of the most common problems in modern day students is exam phobia.
Such is the fear of these exams that teenagers suffer from mild panic attacks which most parents think is "fake".

This makes many teenagers forget just at the start of an exam.
Makes others weak in remembering and memorizing lessons.
Makes others irritable and angry.

MIND MANTRA - get it cured. it can be the start of a life long problem.


for further help contact me -
Dr.Hemant Mittal (Psychiatrist/counselor)
email - eksoch@gmail.com
www.mindmantra.in 

Gossip - the worldwide phenomenon.

Gossip is defined as idle talk or rumor, especially about personal or private affairs of others.
its one of the most common social behaviours seen worldwide.

Be it a party, a meeting, a social gathering... a small group of men or women will be seen laughing loud, "gossiping" about someone.

As a psychiatrist for me, Gossip is one of the most wonderful human psychological behaviour patterns to observe.
I will try to share some of my observations with you -


Why do people Gossip?
there is no one reason why people gossip. Gossip is a reaction to multiple psychological issues troubling a person at a time. The few major reason for gossip are -

1. Moral Policing.
We all have different moral values. We can try and put forth our values onto someone, but in most cases we keep quiet.

The irritation of someone going against our moral code stays deep inside us, and comes out as a gossip.


2. The lack of courage -
Tony was always treated badly by his boss at work. He couldn't do anything to reply back.
Slowly he became frustrated, angry and eager for revenge.
Since Tony lacked the courage to confront his boss face to face.. he started gossiping about him.
He created rumors about his private life and spread them.
Because he couldn’t take revenge directly and so he was trying to take it indirectly.


3. Feeling of Worthlessness
We live in a society were everything is marked and judged by the amount of money or power you have.
Only one of a million are able to become rich.. and only one in a million are powerful.
Yet thousands who feel worthless, use gossip/rumors to "falsely increase" their worthiness.
"Did you see that guy driving a BMW, I bet he earned it all through illegal activities"
...is just another way of saying "I am nothing less than him"

When people feel less worthy than others or when they feel inferior they start gossiping about others in order to feel good about themselves.

4. Jealousy and hatred.
Sometimes main reason for gossiping is jealousy.
When you are jealous of someone and want people to also be jealous or hate that individual you tend to gossip.


Is gossip good or bad?
Gossip can be good or bad at the same time...

One has to first understand were is the gossip coming from. What is the basic emotion behind it.

Gossip is bad when it induces subconscious negativity. This is when gossip -
a. is done to harm someone else.
b. is meant to spread negativity - through false images about other person.
c. is meant to cover ones own jealousy or lack of courage.
d. is used to create a bond between 2 people by spreading negativity about a third person.

I have observed in my clinical practice that chronic and addictive gossipers, have extreme amount of mental restlessness. They are insecure and have very high frustration levels. They are in constant state of denial, and will never look to seek counseling/treatment for the same. Preferring to live in the negative mind set.

Gossip is good when it increases honesty and love. This is when gossip -
a. is plain simple, honest exchange of experiences/knowledge about others with no lying or false fabrication of stories.
b. its used as a way to lower stress by honestly accepting one's own short comings.
c. its used as a way to motivate others by teaching the positives truths of others life.
d. its used as a way to counsel others by helping them become more courageous, more straight forward and more honest in life.

don't feel guilty if you indulge in positive gossip...
but do control yourself if you indulge in negative gossip.

Ask Questions to -

Dr.Hemant Mittal (MBBS, DPM, MD(mindmantra))
(Psychiatrist, Motivational Writer and Counselor)
email – eksoch@gmail.com
website – www.mindmantra.in

clinic address- 15, shreeji plaza, next to ice n spice restaurant, opposite seawoods station, seawoods (east)
Navi Mumbai

Sex won't make him Love you

Maria was madly in love with Tony.
She loved the way he talked, the way he walked... she just couldn't think of anyone except him.

Her love slowly became possessiveness. Even the thought of Tony looking at other woman made her angry.
She just wanted him for herself.

Slowly her possessiveness turned to insecurity.
She wanted Tony to love her like she loved him.
She felt she should always look good, always make Tony laugh, always adjust to Tony's wishes so that he doesn't look or think about other women.

Tony was an intelligent guy, who very well understood how to manipulate this insecurity in his favor.

Once he asked her for sex. Which she initially denied.
She wanted it to happen only after marriage.

Tony slowly used her insecurity as a weapon. He would constantly tell her stories of how his friends would seek sexual pleasures from other woman because their girl-friends couldn't satisfy them.

He would talk about his own sexual needs, but will always leave a sense of guilt that Maria was the one not satisfying him.

He would blame her for not having faith on him and his loyalty.

Finally Maria submitted to physical intimacy.
The first few months, they were extremely sexually active.

Everytime Maria would feel guilty of committing a crime, but would explain to herself that it was needed to keep Tony's love alive for her.

Finally one day Tony broke up the relationship, telling her that she hadn't done enough for him. That she was never emotionally or physically present for him.

Maria was devastated and landed up in deep depression.

When I met Maria, she was ashamed of herself and felt like committing suicide.


Mind Mantra - Relationships that are based on sex have a higher chance of failing, because there is no basis of communication, understanding and trust.

A Fruitful relationship requires space for both partners to explore their natural self.

If your personality is compromised in the name of adjustment, then the relationship is not good for your health.


Dr.Hemant Mittal (Counselor/Motivational Writer)
www.mindmantra.in
email - eksoch@gmail.com

Everything Shiny isn't gold!!!

A chinese recently arrived in the US, wanting to earn some money, decides to become a 'handy-man' and starts looking for some work in an up-market colony nearby.

He goes to the front door of the nearest house and asks the owner, an Indian, if he had any odd jobs for him to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch, how much will you charge?" the owner says.

The chinese responds, "How about $25?"

The owner says "Fine, there's a can of brown paint and brushes in the garage."

The owner's wife, inside the house, overhearing the conversation asks her husband, "Does he realize that the porch goes all around the house? That's a whole day's job!!"

The man replies, "He should; he was standing on it. maybe he is new to the place so doesn't know how much to charge!"

"Its a super bargain. Lets keep quiet", she comments

A short time later, the chinese comes to the door and asks for the $25.

"You've finished already?" the husband asks in surprise.

"Yes," he replies, "and there was paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reaches into his pocket for the money and hands it to him.

"And by the way," the guy adds, "it's not a Porsche, it's a BMW.."


MIND MANTRA -
In life you'll encounter deals which seem extremely lucrative and unbelievable.
Be it personally, professionally or financially... people will come and propose things which suddenly seem too good to be true.


THERE ARE NO FREE LUNCHES IN LIFE...
EVERYONE IS SELFISH.. AND HAS A VESTED INTEREST.

Dont just jump to take the deal.. spend some time understanding the details... spend sometime questioning their motives...else you'll HURT yourself and those around you.



Dr.Hemant Mittal
www.mindmantra.in
Eksoch@gmail.com

be Childish... and show the middle finger to those who stop you!!!

I meet so many people who have lost the ability to experience and enjoy learning...
They are now mentally programmed to follow processes.

They have become robots who cannot think beyond a certain rules and regulation.

People use florid and flowery language to mask their frustrations.

They talk about logic to mask their inability to accept the unknown.

They talk about god and spirituality to mask their fears.

They call you Kidish and childish.. because they envy your freedom.

They judge you.. and then say "we don't judge"

They hurt you.. destroy your confidence... and drag you too depression.. and then say "may you live in Peace".

They have no love for you.

They have no regret for the psychological harm caused to you.

They are selfish...

They are manipulators who only seek their own happiness... and use rules and regulations as a way of judging you.

Whenever you meet someone like them... show them the middle finger!!!

Because they have stopped being a child.. and stopped being a learner...

They are so engrossed in following rules and regulations... They call that happiness.

Those who behave like a child are the ones who can teach you the most... because they have this beautiful ability to love whole heartedly.

Always encourage Learning...
Always encourage becoming a Child..


Dr.Hemant Mittal
eksoch@gmail.com

Imagination and Expectations - Invitation to Emotional Pain

Imagination is a gift of the human mind.
We can spend hours and hours sitting at one place, running different "story lines" in our head.

Its enjoyable and addictive activity which everyone indulges in.

You get a new job, you watching TV, you are getting married, you found Rs.1000/. in your closet... Imagination can get triggered at any place.. at any time...

Imagination is like a movie, which always a central theme. It can be good vs bad... hero vs villain.. romance... current love vs ex-lover... and its loaded with high dose of emotions -
love, hate, anger, care, jealousy, etc.

The negative part of Imagination is that it aids in of developing too much expectations.

You create a "storyline" in your mind.. and slowly want real life to follow that sequence.

The restlessness of the mind, might create negativity and anger against certain characters... and might create extreme love for others.

This is imprinted in the back of your mind.. and its used by you too judge people.

for example -

Tony loved Maria... Tony was a very shy person, while Maria was a very social person.
He always imagined her as a Housewife, living with him and just taking care of him.

Hence whenever Maria would go out with her friends, he would get extremely irritated.
He felt insecure that his imagination wouldnt be satisfied.
Initially he would very quietly introduce negative ideas about Maria's friends into her mind... This would be done subtly without making it conscious.
If she still continued with those friend.. his anger and irritation would increase and he would criticize her.

Slowly slowly they drifted apart.

Imagination is great skill to have... Its stupid!!!
and I repeat - Stupid!!! to supplement it for reality.

The real world requires a lot of adjustments, a lot of sacrifices.. a lot of decisions... a lot of acceptance...

There is a thick division between being practical and emotional.
A practical individual takes decision based on self acceptance of a situation.
An emotional individual is indecisive because he depends too much on others happiness.

Floating in emotions is a personal heart-welcomed invitation to self destructive emotional pain.

written by-

Dr.Hemant Mittal (MBBS, DPM, MD(mindmantra))
(Psychiatrist, Motivational Writer and Counselor)

email – eksoch@gmail.com
website – www.mindmantra.in

clinic address- 15, shreeji plaza, next to ice n spice restaurant, opposite seawoods station, seawoods (east)
Navi Mumbai

New Love and its hallucinogenic effect

Psychological research proves that New love produces such excessive amount of pleasure neuro-chemicals in the brain that it can cause you to hallucinate and imagine other things as being too positive.

It decreases your sense of understanding negativity.. and even makes you immune to sarcasm/criticism.

New Love gives a "high" and is addictive equivalent to highly addiction forming psychotropic drugs like "cocaine and LSD".

Scientists and Psychiatrists say that most long term successful relationships (were by love still excites even after years of togetherness) they are able to utilize this phenomenon to bring positive personal, professional and social growth.
Dreams about the future are realistic and one step at a time.
Hence being in touch with reality, they tend to battle major stresses together, with more adjustment and greater success possibility.

Unsuccessful relationships (were love phases out in time) usually get too addicted in enjoying this feeling. They loose themselves in the "dreams about a wonderful future"... eventually leading to an "avoidant" behaviour were only enjoying love is seen as essential.. with decreased concentration on personal, professional and social growth.
Hence "feeling lost" and "unprepared" when the pressure and stress of reality hit them.. leading to extreme mood swings, fights, sadness, guilt, resentment and anguish.


Rumi rightly said -
“Oh break my heart, oh, break my heart again…
Oh break my heart, oh, break my heart again…
So I can love even more"



for any questions on the above, ask to -

Dr.Hemant Mittal (MBBS, DPM, MD(mindmantra))
(Psychiatrist, Motivational Writer and Counselor)

email – eksoch@gmail.com
website – www.mindmantra.in

clinic address- 15, shreeji plaza, next to ice n spice restaurant, opposite seawoods station, seawoods (east)
Navi Mumbai

How much to Love?

Maria and Tony hesitantly booked an appointment at my clinic.
Sitting in-front of me, they both seemed really reluctant to talk their problems out to a complete stranger.

Maria braved to start and an hour later, they both had vented their frustrations out their hearts completely.

The crux of the problem was Love... In this case excessive love.

Excessive love makes one think about his/her partner throughout the day. It goes through various levels.

At the start your mind is full of positive thoughts regarding self and relationship, then its productive.
It increases the love in the relationship and becomes a motivating force both professionally and personally.

The next level is when love becomes over-thinking.
You spend a great amount of your time thinking about your loved one.

A natural process is that at this stage your mind will generate expectations.
The prime expectation being - reciprocation of love in the same or more quantity and quality as what you provide.

So at this stage, you actually want your partner to be spending the whole day thinking about you... (which is impossible.. considering the stress and pressures of professional/personal life)

Since reciprocation is never 100%... There is an insecurity that develops and leads to further over-thinking.

A point comes when you start losing thought about yourself, your wants and desires in life... your basic personality...
And you look at only "Exclusive time" with your loved one as a way to satisfy your insecurity.
This satisfaction comes through increasing control over knowing -
a. the exact whereabouts of your partner
b. demand more expressions of love
c. expressing excessive love.
d. possessiveness is seen as love, when it can be masked form of jealousy, negativity and anger.
e. demand more exclusivity in the form of -  gifts, "partying out", exploring new places, or sex.

In the next stage, Over-thinking leads to one forgetting about self, and only thinking about the other.

Self-love is completely lost and mood-swings start to happen.

Even a small deviation from your want leads to anger...
there is extreme jealousy...
there is extreme fault-finding...
feeling of "claustrophobia" and "running away" from a relationship...
Need to find new "someone" who can give "true" love...

Its a war wagging inside your mind... which comes out in the most negative of all forms.

Its here where you emotionally and physically harm your partner the most.
Your over-thinking becomes an emotional cancer that is destroying you and destroying your partner.

In most cases the relationship fails at this stage, your partner might actually feel "cheated" in the relationship.

So coming again to the basic question Maria asked - How much should one love?

the answer is - love cannot be quantified.. love is not like money which one can exchange and know who has more.

but love can be qualified... there are 2 major types of love...
1. love for self
2. love for partner

love for self is loving your natural self.. its feeling proud of all that you love to do. Be it shopping, travelling, eating.. feel proud of yourself... Feel happy about yourself.

Loving yourself is your main attraction power.. its what attracts your partner to you.. its what attracts the world to you.
Never stop loving yourself ... else you destroy the main attraction power.

a true partner is he/she who understands and enjoys your professional, personal and psychological growth.

loving such partner is really easy.. because love for self and love for partner have a common goal of being comfortably together.

Love automatically becomes honesty, loyalty and patience...

No boundaries, definitions or sacrifices are needed...

You love your own self... You accept each others individuality... and enjoy the feeling of being in love.

So how much should one love... one should love himself/herself and let that love be the driving force for all other relationships in your life.

written by -


Dr.Hemant Mittal (MBBS, DPM, MD(mindmantra))
(Psychiatrist, Motivational Writer and Counselor)

email – eksoch@gmail.com
website – www.mindmantra.in

clinic address- 15, shreeji plaza, next to ice n spice restaurant, opposite seawoods station, seawoods (east)
Navi Mumbai

You are Love

Tony was going through a really bad relationship, and wasn't able to move out of it.
He tried his level best, but he just couldn't make his mind leave it.
Every few hours It always brought him back to focus on the same.

He asked Maria - Can you tell me what love is?

She looked at him.. and kept quiet!!

After a few moments he asked again - Maria... what is love?

Maria smiled and said - you are love.

Tony was perplexed...
"what do you mean, I am love"

Maria smiled... and kept quiet!!!

After minutes of thinking when Tony couldn't take it longer... He pleaded.. "Please explain what you meant by I am love!!!"

Maria said - You aren't prepared to hear that!!!

Tony like a small child - Please!! I am grown up... I want to know.

Maria smiled and lovingly said - You spend the entire day thinking about a relationship that ended few years ago.
You spend hours crying about it... Thinking what change you could have made...
You spend hours angry that your partner and the society never understood you at that moment.
But you never take a step to approach your lover.
You never take a step to break the boundaries of your mind.

Have you thought Why???

Because you are in love with yourself...
You like to do everything for your friends... Because it makes you feel appreciated.
you like to think for yourself... because you feel sympathetic about self.
You eat at expensive places, drink, smoke... talk about god.. talk about politics...  because it makes you feel in control of your life.

You are in so much love with yourself.. That when someone asks you too move out of it.. you cry.

Love is emotionally, physically and psychologically connecting with someone that you don't want to leave him/her.

You don't want to leave yourself.

You are love!!!"


original written by -

Dr.Hemant Mittal (Psychiatrist)
email - eksoch@gmail.com
website - http://mindmantra.in/services.html

personal consultation-
address- Mind Mantra wellness clinic
Shop 15, shreeji plaza, next to ice n spice restaurant,
opposite seawoods station,
seawoods (east)
Navi Mumbai - 400706

Loneliness is a disease

Latest studies have discovered that loneliness is an addiction... Just like any other addiction, its a mental health disease thats even more dangerous than smoking and heart problems.

While general public knows that loneliness is the cause for decline in physical health, immune system, hormonal changes and mood swings... but due to egoistic belief systems, they fail to accept it when it comes to themself.

The reason why it is such a dangerous disease is that, It has no single common cause, so the prevention and treatment for this damaging state of mind considerably differs.
In other words, No two people will benefit from the same Mantra to happiness.
And not every healer is ready to customize or design a personalized plan for you.


Loneliness may be categorized into three types according to its causes.

1. Situational loneliness: Socio-economic and cultural milieu contributes to situational loneliness.
discrepancy between the levels of his/her needs and social contacts, and migration of population, inter personal conflicts, accidents, disasters or emptiness syndrome, etc., lead to loneliness.

1. Developmental loneliness: Every one of us has an innate desire of intimacy or a need to be related to others. This need is essential for our development as a human being.
Apart from this need, a higher level of need for individualism also exists which is related to knowing and developing our own real self that requires some solitude too.
For optimum development, there should be a balance between the two. When a person is not able to balance these needs properly, it results in loss of meaning from their life which in turn leads to emptiness and loneliness in that person.
Personal inadequacies, developmental deficits, significant separations, social marginality, poverty, living arrangements, and physical/psychological disabilities often lead to developmental loneliness.

3. Internal loneliness: Being alone does not essentially make a person lonely.
Such a person feels lonely even among a group of people.
It is the perception of being alone which makes the person lonely. People with low self-esteem and less self-worth are seen to feel lonelier than their counterparts. Reasons for this type of loneliness are personality factors, locus of control, mental distress, low self-esteem, feeling of guilt or worthlessness, and poor coping strategies with situations.



Several researchers report treatment interventions for loneliness.

These interventions are to be personalized to expectations as per persona.
This increases their efficiency and improve capacities to socialize.
Behavioral training and feedback regulate behavior and improve the frequency and degree of loneliness positively.

Planned interventions include -
a. daily activity schedule
b. encouraging the development of relationships with other people
c. managing stress
d. encouraging sharing of feelings
e. sensitization to expectations
f. creating self-help groups
g. avoiding escapes - facing situations.

Thus, loneliness is a treatable, rather than an irreversible condition.

Loneliness has now become an important public health concern. It leads to pain, injury/loss, grief, fear, fatigue, and exhaustion. Thus, it also makes a person sick and interferes in day to day functioning and hampers recovery.

A few years back Mother Teresa quoted: "the greatest disease in the West today is not TB or leprosy; it is being unwanted, unloved, and uncared for. We can cure physical diseases with medicine, but the only cure for loneliness, despair, and hopelessness is love..."

Loneliness, therefore, is no more an event or concept or factor... Its time general public accept it.

(article in Indian Journal of Psychiatry)

for any questions you are welcome to ask @-

Dr.Hemant Mittal
(Psychiatrist,Motivational Writer/Speaker and Counselor)

email - eksoch@gmail.com
website - http://mindmantra.in/services.html

personal consultation @-
address- Mind Mantra wellness clinic
Shop 15, shreeji plaza, next to ice n spice restaurant,
opposite seawoods station,
seawoods (east)
Navi Mumbai - 400706

Cranky old man/woman!!!

A major indian mind-set is that majority of people feel the "retirement effect" after they reach 60.

More than the society, its their own psychological self that forces them to feel inactive and unproductive.
The feeling of worthlessness slowly takes over as their activity level is restricted to household activities.

Being the elder in the house, the individual feels shy or restless to talk and share their feelings with younger members.

Keeping the feeling in his/her mind adds to the emotional pain creating behavioral changes like restlessness, anger, irritation, sleep disturbance and mood swings.

Since they aren't ready to listen or talk to "younger" members of the family, most "in-house" counseling becomes useless... with them mostly resorting to the statement - "don't tell us what to do, we taught you everything.. and we are old enough to understand everything".

Higher expenditure is seen in terms of medical bills, carelessly breaking things, because of the untreated stress and lack of concentration.

The restlessness slowly becomes sadness, and the behavior changes become a further burden to handle.
The combination of the battle within their mind and the battle with the family, results into a depression which is mostly over-looked.

The common Signs of Elderly Clinical depression?

1. lack of interest in new activity. Pushing the responsibilities onto someone else, and finding pleasure in criticizing that person.

2. excessively remembering older times.
3. crying and saying that their life has been a "failure".
4. Easily irritable, might show extreme mood swings or sudden outbursts of anger on petite issues.
There is high amount of taunting.
5. Changes in sleep pattern. With more time to fall asleep.
6. Not caring about their health.
7. Excessively negative behavior like over-criticizing, over-generalizing, extreme possessiveness, etc.
8. Recent Memory problems – in which a person is not able to remember recent events. Like forgetting where he/she has placed her personal items, forgetting conversations held in the morning, forgetting to remember messages, etc.
9. repeating one action again and again.
10. Episodes of crying.
11. Constantly talking about dying or expressing desire to go away to some remote place away from the family.

Cure -
1. handling an elderly patient can be difficult, as they might be egoistic.
2. they also fail to recognize any emotional problems, as they haven't been exposed to knowledge of the same.
3. Its important to take them to a psychiatrist/counselor, who can help identify their problem.
4. If they fail to come voluntarily to a psychiatrist/counselor its important to talk to their friends. They can help to push them to visit one.
5. in many cases very mild medicines have to be given with or without their knowledge.
(proper discussion with the psychiatrist is essential)

once their restlessness and sadness is controlled, they can continue follow up on their own.

for further information, contact me -

Dr.Hemant Mittal (MBBS, DPM, MD(mindmantra))
(Psychiatrist, Motivational Writer and Counselor)

email – eksoch@gmail.com
website – www.mindmantra.in

clinic address- 15, shreeji plaza, next to ice n spice restaurant, opposite seawoods station, seawoods (east)
Navi Mumbai

Numb

Tony and Maria have been married for 6yrs.
One day Tony woke up and he found himself "emotionally numb".
Suddenly all the love for Maria was gone.
He sleeps with her, he walks with her, he laughs with her, he eats with her, he even thinks about her... but he is numb!!

He came to visit me after 2yrs of struggling with the same feeling.

A well built, serious 35yr old man, sitting in front of me... content with his life, but perplexed why he cannot feel anything for his partner.

Deep inside he just loved everything and everyone equally.

His visit to me, was more of finding a neutral person who he could tell, I am embarking in a new journey...
He didn't seek re-assurances... he didn't seek appreciation... He knew it was time to move ahead in life... And knew Maria had lost a great guy.. and maybe when she realized it, she would become very sad... But now he was just NUMB!!!

While talking over his problem he said -
" You know doc..
I'm tired of being what she and her friends wants me to be,
I may be so tough from the outside, but deep inside I have lost faith and patience in adjustments.

I wanted her to stand by me and for that I kept trying to full-fill her every expectations... A point came were I felt she was not the woman I had fallen in love with.

Thats when the only thing I could see is that she found only mistakes in everything I did.

One day, I woke up and my mind said its enough to walk in some others shoes... its time to be yourself.

Since then I am numb... I cannot feel her in my heart.
I have tried a lot..
I spend hours looking at our old photos and old memories with her.
I have created some new memories with her.
but deep inside I am numb.
As if she is just another woman lying next to me.

I listen and talk to her, but just cannot seem to relate to what she says.
All I want to do is be more me and less she.

I can see she is disappointed and struggling for happiness... but I am now numb.

I know that this numbness can be diagnosed under your medical terminology, and I know you can give me a medicine to get me out of it.

but I tell you this numbness is my friend now...
Because its the only one that accepts me for who I am!!!

I laugh, because the world judges.. and judges.. and judges.. but they cannot ever experience peace.. They are always looking for someone more to judge...

I am at peace"

written by -

Dr.Hemant Mittal (MBBS, DPM, MD(mindmantra))
(Psychiatrist, Motivational Writer and Counselor)

email – eksoch@gmail.com
website – www.mindmantra.in

clinic address- 15, shreeji plaza, next to ice n spice restaurant, opposite seawoods station, seawoods (east)
Navi Mumbai