How much to Love?

Maria and Tony hesitantly booked an appointment at my clinic.
Sitting in-front of me, they both seemed really reluctant to talk their problems out to a complete stranger.

Maria braved to start and an hour later, they both had vented their frustrations out their hearts completely.

The crux of the problem was Love... In this case excessive love.

Excessive love makes one think about his/her partner throughout the day. It goes through various levels.

At the start your mind is full of positive thoughts regarding self and relationship, then its productive.
It increases the love in the relationship and becomes a motivating force both professionally and personally.

The next level is when love becomes over-thinking.
You spend a great amount of your time thinking about your loved one.

A natural process is that at this stage your mind will generate expectations.
The prime expectation being - reciprocation of love in the same or more quantity and quality as what you provide.

So at this stage, you actually want your partner to be spending the whole day thinking about you... (which is impossible.. considering the stress and pressures of professional/personal life)

Since reciprocation is never 100%... There is an insecurity that develops and leads to further over-thinking.

A point comes when you start losing thought about yourself, your wants and desires in life... your basic personality...
And you look at only "Exclusive time" with your loved one as a way to satisfy your insecurity.
This satisfaction comes through increasing control over knowing -
a. the exact whereabouts of your partner
b. demand more expressions of love
c. expressing excessive love.
d. possessiveness is seen as love, when it can be masked form of jealousy, negativity and anger.
e. demand more exclusivity in the form of -  gifts, "partying out", exploring new places, or sex.

In the next stage, Over-thinking leads to one forgetting about self, and only thinking about the other.

Self-love is completely lost and mood-swings start to happen.

Even a small deviation from your want leads to anger...
there is extreme jealousy...
there is extreme fault-finding...
feeling of "claustrophobia" and "running away" from a relationship...
Need to find new "someone" who can give "true" love...

Its a war wagging inside your mind... which comes out in the most negative of all forms.

Its here where you emotionally and physically harm your partner the most.
Your over-thinking becomes an emotional cancer that is destroying you and destroying your partner.

In most cases the relationship fails at this stage, your partner might actually feel "cheated" in the relationship.

So coming again to the basic question Maria asked - How much should one love?

the answer is - love cannot be quantified.. love is not like money which one can exchange and know who has more.

but love can be qualified... there are 2 major types of love...
1. love for self
2. love for partner

love for self is loving your natural self.. its feeling proud of all that you love to do. Be it shopping, travelling, eating.. feel proud of yourself... Feel happy about yourself.

Loving yourself is your main attraction power.. its what attracts your partner to you.. its what attracts the world to you.
Never stop loving yourself ... else you destroy the main attraction power.

a true partner is he/she who understands and enjoys your professional, personal and psychological growth.

loving such partner is really easy.. because love for self and love for partner have a common goal of being comfortably together.

Love automatically becomes honesty, loyalty and patience...

No boundaries, definitions or sacrifices are needed...

You love your own self... You accept each others individuality... and enjoy the feeling of being in love.

So how much should one love... one should love himself/herself and let that love be the driving force for all other relationships in your life.

written by -

Dr.Hemant Mittal (MBBS, DPM, MD(mindmantra))
(Psychiatrist, Motivational Writer and Counselor)

email –
website –

clinic address- 15, shreeji plaza, next to ice n spice restaurant, opposite seawoods station, seawoods (east)
Navi Mumbai

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